


Software

by hatsuyuume (colorthefall)



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Drama, Family, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Video Game AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-23
Updated: 2014-09-20
Packaged: 2018-02-11 18:43:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 59,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2079006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colorthefall/pseuds/hatsuyuume
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That night he brought me home three mangas, a Japanese flag, and a pc game. It was called Chrysanthemum Crusade, and the object of the game was to get the main character through the mazes and to the other side of the white sea so he could be safe. Video Game AU. AmeriPan</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

There was  _never_  a day of school I enjoyed.

I was constantly bullied whether it was because of my appearance, the pitch of my voice (I was twelve, mind you), or the way I dressed (like the human versions of the superheroes in my comic books did, I hoped if I followed a similar wardrobe I would wake up one morning and magically be able to shoot webs from my wrists), there was always a reason that I would be taunted by my peers for, some that even I wasn't aware of. I didn't classify any of my mannerisms as quirks like they all did, and I was left to cry alone in my room after school trying to force my 'quirks' out of me, despite the fact that they were the only things I found solace in.

My mother was an absentee, and my father was a hopeless drunk since the day she left when I was five- because my father's parents died and didn't leave him any bit of their fortune in the will, something my mother desired. She fell off the face of the Earth and left my dad and I in our tiny two bedroom apartment to rot.

Dad wasn't  _all_  bad... I guess I just make it seem like he was worse than he really was. Looking back on it now I was probably expecting too much out of him because he was so young when I was born and I was so needy and emotional. In truth, he tried to the best of his abilities, limited as they were, to care for me properly. He his best to make sure I had my three meals a day, and school supplies, clothes... and eventually electronics and all of the video games I could desire. But he lacked seriously in the affection department. He probably told me he loved me once on a drunken occasion, but aside from that he barely shot me a "Hello".

I was left alone to seek that fatherly figure through made up people like Clark Kent and Peter Parker, having my face two centimeters away from a comic book every second of every day as I tried to filled the void my father gave me. As a result, I seldom paid any attention in school; I just sat there and doodled my own made up super heroes- based off of my dad. I called him the  _Eye-brows_ , with a batman kind of background story and a superman physique. I would show him the panels I made and he'd chuckle and ruffle my hair for a brief moment before he went back to his liquor.

When I was in the fourth grade, I started asking for various art programs to accompany my lonely laptop that would enable me to color the pictures and print them out into real comic books. I guess that's where my addiction to electronics began. I was obsessed with being in front of that computer screen, and when I was away at school I would do anything I could to get out and get back to it. My mouth practically watered at the thought of having it, just drawing or listening to music and sometimes playing PC games... I faked a tummy-ache every day for three straight weeks before someone finally caught on to what I was doing and I wasn't allowed to visit the nurse's office anymore unless I was bleeding or a bone was protruding from me.

I was smart as a kid. With the web at my fingertips I could search up anything I wanted to know, and I when I had my IQ tested my first day in middle school my principal recommended I skip a grade so that I could be "academically challenged". Naturally I declined; if I had more work to do that meant less computer time and it wasn't something I was willing to risk. When I said no, my dad offered me online school.

We had a really long talk that night at McDonald's- my favorite place to be ever. The fact that it had wifi was a plus too, and I remembered sipping milkshakes and listening to music as dad talked to me about my troubles with school. I told them about how every kid that ever looked my way said something rude, how all of my teachers hated me (my third period teacher called me a  _sarcastic fuck_  during the middle of my book report once, dad wasn't happy about that at all), and I told him how much I loved my computer.

"I just want you to be happy, Alfred." he said, smiling at me and nodding. "If online school will do that, then by all means..."

And my face lit up so bright, I had the biggest smile and the widest eyes! Dad laughed.

"I love you, son."

"I love you, too..."

I started taking my online classes the very next day- at a ninth grade level. I took English and Algebra, Geography, and also a language I'd been dying to learn;  _Japanese_. I loved manga so much. I started buying those instead of comic books altogether at one point and I fell in love with them. Just because of my curiosity about how I was supposed to read manga from right to left, I stayed up for nearly six hours learning about the culture and history of Japan, both back in the day and modern times. From there, that country became my new obsession (not that my love affair with my laptop had been forgotten).

Dad noticed my love for Japan instantaneously (he checked my grades online when he was at work and noticed I had a one hundred percent in Japanese), and that night he brought me home three manga, a Japanese flag, and a pc game. It was called  _Chrysanthemum Crusade,_ and the object of the game was to get the main character through the mazes and to the other side side of the white sea so he could be safe.

The protagonist of the game was named Kiku, and he appeared as a short boy with black hair and big brown eyes, who wore this weird Tron-esque suit with a red dot in the middle of it, carrying a gigantic gun with him everywhere he went that was bigger than he was. The villains of the game were just called "the faceless creatures", and you had to enter a certain code so Kiku could have a blind fold and be protected from their powers. If Kiku ever looked at one straight on, he would become one of them and you'd have to play the whole level over again.

I was drawn to this game immediately. I smiled and thanked my dad, took all of my stuff to my room, and popped it into the side of my laptop to start.

The screen faded in pixel by pixel, flashes of green and red grazing the screen all the while, and the logo of the game in bold white Kanji with a red sun in the background. With what little Japanese I could read, I clicked what looked like the start button, so anxious to finally play it! But none of the instructions were in English and I spent like ten minutes translating the first set word for word, understanding the basics at last.

 _Guide_ **Honda Kiku**  through the maze using the arrow keys. Press C+C+G in case of a faceless being attack. Use the spacebar to fire the gun.  
P to pause.  
R to resume.

_H for help._

But I missed something really important in the left corner of the screen that made me pissed off.

_Press VH for audio assistance._

"Are you kidding me?" I muttered to myself, throwing my Japanese to English dictionary across the room and sighing. I grabbed a hold of the mouse and hovered over the button, putting in my ear phones before I finally clicked it.

The menu disappeared and left the pixelated background, Kiku walking slowly across the screen and looking up at me with a smile.

"Ohayo gozaimasu." he said, his voice monotonous and robotic-sounding despite the lively look on his pink tinged his face. He put his hands behind his back and looked at me eagerly, tilting his head to the side in curiosity when he saw my stunned expression. It was like it wasn't a recording and he was just sitting in the screen staring at me. I was so freaked out I almost called for my dad, but I held my batman toy close to my chest and nodded anyways, Kiku frowning.

"Hello." I said sheepishly after a while, and he hummed in excitement when I finally said something. I scooted further away from the screen in fear, but he went on without noticing.

"Ah, an English-speaker. Hello." he gave a little wave and sat cross legged on the bottom of the screen, setting his gun at his side. "What can I help you with?"

He spoke with such a relaxed air to his tone, despite the fact that his voice was synthetic. I wondered if he would still understand what I was saying, though, if I didn't respond with simple commands; like I was casually talking to a person in real life. I let go of the mouse and let my hands fall into my lap, biting my lip before I thought of what to say.

"Uhm, I figured out the instructions already...? But I was wondering what the 'VH' stood for, y'know?"

I waited for the sound of "your question is not in our database" or something like that, but instead Kiku put his hand over his mouth and giggled softly.

"It stands for voice help, and that's why I'm talking with you." he said, crossing his arms in his lap just like I was doing. "What is your name, player?"

_Woa._

"I-I'm Alfred."

"It's nice to meet you, Alfred-san. I look forward to playing my game with you."

"Wh-what... are you? How do you understand me?" I couldn't help but ask. It was astounding how life-like that little program was! He understood everything I said clearly, and he had that smile of his- it was adorable, and human like. It was too real.

"I am Kiku. Would you like to begin?"

"I-..." I stammered, so confused by it all. Why wouldn't he say anything besides his name about himself. I wanted to know more, but I decided that I should just play the game instead, hoping that more details about Kiku's story would be revealed as I did."Yes, I do."

"Alright. Let's go." and with that Kiku turned until his back was facing me, holding his gun with such purpose. His face appeared like another camera in the corner of the screen and he looked so dead set on destroying whatever came his way- but he was so cute I couldn't help but laugh.

**Level One: Sapporo**

Appeared across the screen, then faded as the maze came up. Blocks were as far as the eye could see, with this eerie tune playing in the background.

"Hey what's that noise?" I asked, hastily situating myself in front of the screen and hovering my fingers over the keyboard.

"The Noberu are close, Alfred-san. That is the sound they make." Kiku said, his picture in the corner of the screen motioning downward. I followed his gaze to the up arrow key and pressed it, wandering a bit before we reached a cross road.

"Which way?"

"Whichever you think is safest."

"I don't want you to die though!"

"I will try my best not to, but I'll require your assistance."

I nodded simply and took the right side, coming across a little koi pond and a cherry blossom tree. Kiku laughed happily.

**Check point reached. Attack avoided.**

"Sweet!" I said, spinning around in my chair in triumph. Kiku's cheeks went a little red and he giggled again, dangling his feet over the edge of the pond and making eye contact with me. I froze just looking into his eyes.

"Would you like to auto save?" he asked to break the silence, resting his hands at either side of him and leaning back. He looked upward and straight at me, and I could see his face through both cams. My cheeks went a little red, too, just cause he was _really_ easy on the eyes for a program.

"Yeah of course!" I exclaimed, watching as the screen came up to load the auto save.

**Please do not shut down during save.**

"What would you like to name your saved game, Alfred-san?" Kiku asked, lying on the ground and letting his eyelids droop shut.

"Uhhmmmm. Just name it Kiku. Cause that's your name."

He nodded and closed his eyes , humming softly.

**Game saved. Advancing to level two.**


	2. Chapter 2

I felt as though I was in good hands with the new player . He played my game on the daily and took each level into careful consideration regardless of the difficulty. Sometimes he'd ask me to load the bird's eye view of the level so he could scrutinize its every detail and plan the exact route he would take me by, leaving no room for accidental turns or mistakes.

On the rare occasion we did come into contact with the faceless creatures, he punched in the code to blindfold me and protect me from their powers at lightening speed and aimed my gun at them with such precision that I was able to eliminate them on the spot.

Not every person his age could play my game, or any other age for that matter. It was very long and detailed, and if you weren't careful you could spend weeks upon weeks on the same level. People in the country it was originally produced in, Japan, resented the game for this reason and for many others, and its popularity there lasted briefly until no one wanted to play or buy it anymore. I suspected that the copy of my game that was sold to Alfred was bought online, probably overpriced, too.

Once before a level, I watched in a daze as my player spun around in his chair and doodled our escape path, sitting patiently near the check point. At that stage, we were in Tokyo, and I was sitting in a tree, looking at the makeshift scenery of my game. It was like a single tree, with grass spanning only five feet ahead before it faded away into the blank black tiles. It sometimes scared me to think about what it would be like to wander off into it and ignore my duties to respond to what Alfred ordered, like what I did when the game disk was idle and sitting on the shelves of the store that it was bought from.

What Alfred failed to realize at first was that I am aware I am a program.

I have a heartbeat, sweat, and breath the air around me, as well as having the ability to feel the things that I touch. It's beyond my means of understanding, but somehow, I detached myself from the programming, computers, and coding. I learned to ignore the commands in my hardware and act on my own free will, becoming more than just an artificial intelligence.

While other versions of myself thought of the wires and pixels as their guides, I thought of them as nothing more than training wheels, and I took them off as soon as I realized who I was and what I was capable of. I dubbed myself the real Honda Kiku because of this.

The other selves were no more independent than a human infant. I came to the realization one day, when the game disk was idle and I was absently listening to their chatter in other game disks. They couldn't speak like I can. They only spoke with basic words and built in phrases and lacked the ability to think for themselves.

I was surrounded by hopeless infant zombies. How agonizing to know that I was so utterly alone, even as much as I enjoy solitude. One can't help but yearn for companionship at some point after being left alone with their own thoughts for so long, and I am no exception to such a general rule. I waited for the void in my heart to be filled by a player, longing hopelessly for their voice, wondering what it was like to hear one that wasn't synthetic and a copy of my own.

When I was finally rewarded with companionship, the sadness that had been plaguing me since I was conceived vanished somewhere in the pixelated sea that stretches before me.

When I saw Alfred's face, I was comforted. He spoke just like I do and even appeared to be the same age as me- something I could have only dreamt of. His voice is lively; exploding with all of the feelings he felt. I hung on his every word, putting my life in isolation behind me.

"Hey Kiku," he said, grabbing my attention. I turned to him with a smile on my face. So bubbly- you could guess that much just by looking at him. His fair complexion and unnatural eye color were a pleasant sight; I found it hard when he was away from me with sleep or when he was focusing on his studies to cope without it. I never left my spot while he was away for fear I would displease him and not get to see his smile during the next game session. "What do you think happens when you die?"

The question shook me in an uncomfortable way and caught me off-guard. I didn't know if I could give him a proper summary of what dying in the game would be like because I was scared to think about it. I also didn't know if he was the type of person that would want to find out for himself, and I didn't want to give him any ideas just in case he was; the idea of my human companion that I had come to admire and enjoy being around causing intentional harm to my being was horrifying. Chills shot through my core as I trembled uncontrollably.

I was silent, trying to buy time and possibly avoid answering the question altogether. When we were silent I could hear Alfred's heartbeat. It sounded like mine. It was  _everything_  to have someone like me. This only reminded me that I was terrified of losing him, terrified of dying, and desperate to avoid answering this question.

"As you know the game would reset to level one depending on if you reached a check point." I forced myself to say, looking up at him and being greeted with the same smile as was there before. "I would be in terrible pain while game reset itself."

"How can you feel pain if you're just a program though?" he asked, making me feel horrible. I turned away from him, growing more and more uncomfortable with the conversation, but it was like he couldn't detect that and he kept on talking about it. "What's it like to be like that?"

"I..." I stammered, feeling like what walls n this world were closing in on me. He spoke like I was one of my copies.

_What's it like to be like **that**?_

Tears began to spill from my eyes.

I didn't say anything for a few moments, causing Alfred to open up the camera screen to look at my face in puzzlement.

"Why are you crying, Kiku? What's wrong?" he blurted out loudly into the mic, which led directly to my ears. He moved his face closer to the screen with a worried expression, but I couldn't bring myself to respond.

"I...-" I began, forcing myself to look at Alfred. I didn't want him to bring up dying anymore, or try to kill me, so I said the first thing that came to my mind. "It's nearing your bedtime... p-please...- just-"

"Please what, Keeks? I'll do what you say; just don't look so upset."

"Just...-" I said between my sobs, rubbing the tears away from my eyes. "... keep the monitor on so I can watch you sleep."

He was evidently taken aback by this request, which was understandable. I didn't expect him to obey me, but I knew it was so outrageous that it would make him forget about the previous subject matter. I saw him blush, then furrow his brows, most likely imagining what it would be like. It was odd to be asked if someone could watch you while you slept after all.

"Okay."

I expected him to turn the monitor off and leave me alone to ponder why I'd make such a preposterous request and exhibit such strange behavior. I was half in shock that he would accept something so crazy without even questioning me, and half relieved that I didn't have to spend another night without the comforting sound of his heart beat.

He smiled at me, still blushing, holding his stuffed bat toy close.

"If it will make you happy." he said, laughing and scratching his head. I didn't smile however, and it made him even more confused than he was originally, I could tell.

"Thank you Alfred." I whispered, looking up at him. He nodded slowly in response and removed his glasses from his face.

"Maybe we can talk about it tomorrow." he said as I watched him stand from the chair and crawl into his bed without removing his head set. "You know, about that stuff I asked earlier? But right now since you just want to see me, I want to..." he paused suddenly, draping his blanket over his head and shuffling about underneath it. "I want to hear you."

"..." I jumped off of the tree I'd been sitting on and abandoned my weapons, taking off my head gear and crawling to the bottom of the screen. It was dark in the room and it was difficult to see him from the angle where I was, and the fact that his desk chair was blocking most of him from my view. I think he picked up on that, because he rolled over and curled up in his blankets facing my direction. "B-but my voice is just-"

"I know. I want to hear it anyways though." he said again, clearly and easy to hear, his face blood red. "It's still yours, so I like it."

"I..."

"Keep talking; I'm listening." he whispered in a sweet, mellow voice, closing his eyes gently and relaxing on his bed.

I spoke with him until he became unresponsive. I watched him all night. My heart pounded hard in my chest and a sickly, sheepish grin was plastered onto my face.


	3. Chapter 3

I jumped out of my sleep to hear Kiku sigh, telling me that he couldn't see me anymore.

I sat up, sleep in my eyes and weighing me right back down onto my bed. Kiku sighed again, this time sounding more impatient. He was trying to talk to me, but he quickly came to realize that I was all but responsive and decided to just humor me instead. I squinted at the darkness until I could make out the figure of my computer chair and half-heartedly kicked it to the left so he could see me better as a I laid down.

He told me a story about a little boy who was born in a peach and a rabbit from the moon, goblins taking over mountains in Japan... the tales lingered in my dreams as I fell in and out of them.

Days went by and that was what my nighttime routine became.

I played that game every chance I got. It got to a point where I neglected my online classes and everything else entirely. All I ever wanted to do was get back to the game. I wanted to get back to  **him**.

Dad would call me downstairs for dinner and I would be cranky because it meant I'd have to be away from Kiku. I'd inhale my food as quickly as I could without gagging it back up just so I could resume the game. Dad was getting annoyed with this, on top of my slipping grades and increasingly bratty attitude, but he never confronted me about any of it.

The initial guilt I felt for being so rotten to him was melted away by my anger that he didn't live up to my expectations . He wasn't the  _Super Hero Arthur Kirkland_  I made my comics about. He was no hero at all, rather, a lonely drunk who didn't know how to handle his own kid and worked a double shift everyday and night so he could avoid his problems at home. How could I have respect for someone who was too afraid to confront their own child?

He was a zombie at that point. I went up to him one night, ready to apologize for everything in a an attempt to fix our relationship together. I told him I loved him,. He didn't say anything at all, he didn't acknowledge that I was in the room with him.

" _Dad, I'm really sorry for my grades. I know they're bad... I'll fix them, I promise. I want to make you happy like you made me happy by letting me do online school._ "

" _Hmph._ "

I ran to my room, crying. There were so many tears in my eyes that I couldn't see much of anything, but the glow coming from my computer screen distracted me from my fit temporarily.

" _What's wrong, Alfred?_ " Kiku said quietly. I rubbed the tears from eyes and saw Kiku looking at me, worry imprinted upon his face. " _Please talk with me about it._ "

I told him about my comics and how my  _Eye-Brows_  series had been on a hiatus for some time now, and he told me that I should continue to write it.

" _You can still write the comics and show them to your father. It will let him know how you feel about all that's been happening recently._ "

I weighed less than ninety pounds at age twelve and five foot two. Dad didn't show the least bit of concern about how I was damn near anorexic, but Kiku was  _constantly_  nagging me to go outside and play and to eat extra helpings at breakfast. He sometimes refused to talk to me until I went outside and did something for at least an hour, or sometimes he would threaten to jump in front of one of the faceless monsters and die if I didn't eat. I would leave my bedroom window open and go play on my tire swing in the back yard, or eat at my computer desk so he could see me do it.

One night, I fell on the floor while I was having a dream. I woke with a start to the sound of Kiku screeching.

Eventually I woke up and saw him, shaking in terror with his eyes wide.

"Alfred!"

I didn't know what was going on, but I knew I had to do something about it because he looked so distressed. I climbed into my rolling chair, confused as to what I should do before I settled for tapping the part of the screen where Kiku's head was was weird trying to comfort a little person in my computer, but I did my best.

"Alfred-kun you could have broken your back! You're so thin. Your bones are weak!" he screeched, cupping a hand over his mouth. I turned the volume down first, because without the headpiece his voice just echoed through the house for all to hear and I didn't need my dad waking up and scolding me for having my computer on so late. I tapped the screen again and smiled.

I shook my head and looked around my room, standing to make sure my door was locked before I went back to the screen. My heart was racing as I thought about it, but I closed my eyes and placed a quick kiss on the webcam, pulling away with an intense feeling of stupidity. Kiku just gawked at me and jerked away, putting his arms at his side and staring at his feet. I just shrugged and took a sip of my water to get the dry, choked up feeling out of my throat.

"The fall isn't far enough..." I explained as I put the cup back down on my desk, relaxing in the chair and trying to stop blushing. It was comforting to know he cared about me so much... I sat there with my stomach in knots, pondering how scared he was for me. It made me realize that Kiku was way more than just a video game character to me. He was the only friend I had, and the only thing in my life at the time that made me feel important.

"But-"

"I'm  _fine_ , Keeks, I promise. I wouldn't lie to you!" I said, showing him my arms. "Not even a scratch."

He nodded after a moment of silence, looking at me with this pain in his eyes, saying nothing. I tapped the screen again wanting to say something, but I didn't want to make him anymore upset than he already was, and nothing good came to my mind.

He wiped his eyes and stood up, walking back in my direction and putting his hand against the screen. I smiled and kissed it without thinking, making his whole body (or at least the parts of is body that weren't being covered by his armor) go red.

He didn't pull away that time. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, forming his hands into fists.

"I don't know why I can feel." he stated out of the blue. I was taken aback that he picked now to answer a question I asked him so long ago. "... but I can..."

I nodded slowly for him to carry on, but he blushed even more deeply and shook his head after a brief moment of what appeared to be contemplation.

"What am I thinking!?" he murmured in Japanese.

"Tell me! You have to tell me now!" I said, gripping the sides of my computer and glaring at him with a grave expression.

"NO." he spat, looking more flustered than I'd seen him before, cupping his hands over his eyes.

" **TELL ME NOW OR I'M NOT GONNA TALK TO YOU EVER AGAIN YOU BUTTBABY**!" I spat back at him, my lips quivering and my face red with anger.

"Alfred-kun-" he said pathetically, looking like he was gonna fall to his knees and beg me to forget about it, but I wasn't going to let this go.

"No, _Kiku-kun._ " I spat back with slight irritation in my voice. "Tell me!"

He sighed.

"I love you, Alfred." he whispered in Japanese, refusing to make eye contact with me.

"You what? I can't hear you?" I lied, just wanting to hear it again.

He sighed again.


	4. Chapter 4

"I'm sorry."

It was all I could say; I was so overwhelmed. It was suddenly very uncomfortable for me to make eye contact with him, and I averted my gaze to my feet in an effort to soothe my churning stomach.

"Don't be sorry!" Alfred exclaimed after a brief pause, during which he stared at me with the utmost adoration in his eyes. I glanced back up at him briefly to see this, getting flustered and looking back down at my feet, pulling the shades on my helmet over my eyes so that he couldn't tell when I would look at him. "I love you." he whispered, shutting his eyes tightly.

My heart fluttered while my stomach continued to spasm, causing me great pain. I was sure the color of my skin turned to green as I clutched my gut and closed my eyes tightly. Forget about what I'd just said; I felt like this was what dying was really like. I thought love was supposed to come easily and smoothly, bit I am sure that I love Alfred, so that assumption couldn't have been more wrong. 

How could any human in their right mind be so foolish as to fall for me? Even if I wasn't a program I would be a mess. But I supposed Alfred thought that was charming about me. He told me when he found me charming every chance he could. He said he liked the way that I was polite to the other game characters even when I didn't have to be and even though they wouldn't remember me later on. He thought it was charming how I always kept things tidy even though I didn't have to (because every time we move on to another level, the game resets itself and in a sense, this is when it's cleaned).

But Alfred isn't stupid. He's honest and wise, and even then when he was just a child, he was brilliant and would have thought of the consequences of loving someone he could never touch beforehand.

I had been in love with Alfred since he started playing my game and I'm sure he figured it out quickly (he just didn't want to say anything to spare me the embarrassment). I was so blinded by my own feelings for him that I failed to pick up on his for myself.

Even if he played my game forever there would come a point surely where he would be tired of not being able to touch me or feel me. One can only be in love with something like me for so long until I become boring. I feared for the day where Alfred would stop calling my habits charming, because that would surely me his interest in me would be gone forever. Alfred has always been extremely flamboyant about his emotions, and he tells me how he craves physical affection from his loved ones as well as emotional affection. I can only give him one of those things, so it's not like I could ever truly make him happy and fulfilled. 

"Kiku?" he said, dragging me out of my thoughts and back to the reality of the situation. He was so cute; always with a dopey but sweet expression on his face like he was thinking of something else.

"Alfred..." I  wanted desperately at that moment to wrap my arms around him, getting frustrated with the fact I couldn't. I furrowed my brows in anger, wanting to fire my gun at the screen; Maybe if I did it would shatter it to pieces and allow me to jump into his grasp. "I'm sorry..."

"Why do you keep apologizing? I'm so happy!" he continued, ignoring the crestfallen look on my face. He allowed some of his hair to fall into his eyes in an attempt to mask some of his excitement. "I-I-I- mean... I've sorta had a crush on you. And I felt dumb 'cause ... well ... now I don't feel that way anymore!"

I could wait for him forever, but the fact of the matter was that he'd eventually grow out of me and move on with his life. I didn't want to hold him back for even one second when it came to that; moving on. It was what he was made to do. I, on the other hand, I was made to obey his orders until he no longer wished to give them. I saw it as my duty to let him go. He could never have a happy life if he was dragging me and my equipment around with him everywhere.

I suppose what it boiled down to was simple; did I want to make him happy for the time being, and feel empty and alone when he moved on from me, or did I want to spare myself from the heart break and break him right then and there? 

I decided his happiness was more important to me than my own. 

"I do love you." I whispered softly, looking at him with a somber expression on my face. "... but do realize that it's impossible for us to ever physically be together."

"I know... but I don't care." Alfred whispered back, perhaps even more softly than my own tone of voice. His cheeks were light pink as he gazed down at me, tears pooling in the corners of his eyes from his emotions. But he kept the smile on his face. He told me sometimes he cries when he's happy, so I tried not to worry too much about it. I took off my helmet so I could look at him just as I was, because I felt it was only fair to show him my whole self in return. "I'm used to not being able to touch the people I love. It doesn't make a difference to me. I can always dream about you, and draw us together... right? That's enough to make me happy, Kiku."

"That's--" I spluttered, my lips trembling as I covered them. My face was heating up.  "Ch-charming!" 

His smile was so warm and gentle, his laughter soft and sweet to listen to. Though it wasn't like I could really hear it; the sound of my heart shattering into a billion pieces in my chest was too distracting. 

"I'm just so happy that I have someone who loves me." Alfred carried on, the tears that had been forming pools in the corners of his eyes finally spilling over and streaming in rivulets down his flushed cheeks. "I'm glad it's you. Nothing else matters to me. I just like to see and hear you everyday. That will always be enough for me." 

I can only hope that he always thinks this way.


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up on the morning of my thirteenth birthday a couple weeks later, rolling around absently in my bed for about a half hour before I decided to do anything. I sat up after a while and rubbed at my tired eyes, feeling around on my nightstand for my glasses and sliding them on. Once my vision was clear, I looked at the laptop on my desk a few feet ahead of me and a smile forced its way onto my lips thanks to what I saw.

Kiku was sound asleep at the bottom of the screen, curled in on himself and lightly snoring.

I chuckled to myself, shuffling out of bed and offering one last smile to Kiku before I left the room in search of something to eat.

Usually, dad would have bought my cake the night before and left it out for me to eat in the morning before he left for work, but he hadn't done so that time, which didn't surprise me one bit. What I was greeted with unexpectedly, though, was an obnoxiously yellow sticky note plastered to the refrigerator door that read " _We're going out tonight to celebrate_ " and " _If you skip your classes today I'm going to kill you,_ ".

I wanted to roll my eyes. He thought he could just neglect me for all that time and suddenly treat me well on my birthday and all would be forgiven? That was a shot in hell. But I smiled despite the bitter feelings I had for him that had been growing with each day before this moment. I scanned the note that I had taken into my hands, my eyes falling on two small words printed in the bottom right hand corner of it.

" _Love, Dad_ "

I shrugged and tried to ignore the happiness that came over me as I tossed the note in the trashcan, focusing my attention on our nearly empty pantry. All that was in there was a half eaten bag of these nasty potato chips that he likes and orders specially from England and a box of pancake mix that had to be as old as I was. I decided I would try to make pancakes to spare myself the aftertaste of those chips (or crisps, rather). I would have just poured myself a bowl of cereal, but it didn't feel appropriate considering today was a special occasion.

I turned on the stove and got out the flour, mixing it in with milk, sugar, and eggs, and waited for the pan to heat up. Suddenly, I heard a squawking noise coming from my bed room that made me jump out of my skin for a moment. I didn't recall owning a bird...

I forgot about the pancakes entirely and darted back down the hall, about to charge into my room with the same vigor, but I was halted by how freezing my room was in comparison to the kitchen. I could have sworn my bare feet were turning blue the longer they stayed on the chilly surface of the hardwood floors beneath me. I remembered when I was younger we had carpets, but we had to take them out because they were so stained with spilt liquor and various other drinks and things. For some reason I got really nostalgic thinking about dirty carpets as I eased my trembling legs into my bedroom, greeted by Kiku on the screen, who staring at my empty bed.

He looked at me and smiled in relief. I stared at him with a puzzled expression, wondering if he was the one who made the dying bird noise. I decided not to mention it as I sat at my computer desk.

"Good morning." he said quietly. I wondered why he was blushing silently, but I started blushing myself. I didn't know why but I started catching myself mimicking Kiku's actions of late. We were silent for a while, just staring at each other like we always do when we first wake up in the morning and our brains are having trouble remembering how to speak.

I rested my chin on my hand, my stoic expression turning into one of adoration. He followed suit, the smile slowly but surely tugging at his thin white lips.

"I love you." he said suddenly.

"I love you." I repeated, closing my eyes. I love it when he tells me he loves me now, so back then when he said it I just melted into a puddle of goop every time.

He sighed softly at me and tilted his head to the side. I turned away, getting flustered, but he kept staring at me even though I was trying to break eye contact. I was about to tell him to stop it when I heard a loud popping noise from in the kitchen and shot up from chair with wide eyes, my skin turning white. "I-I'LL BE BACK IN A SECOND-" I screeched, tripping over my computer chair several times on my way out of the door.

One thing I inherited from my dad was his lack of an attention span in the kitchen( though I'm definitely not as bad at cooking as he is). It's like, whenever I started to cook something, I would suddenly remember that I haven't cleaned out my closet in a while or that I should definitely take a shower before I do anything else, and I would leave the room, the whole situation completely erased from my mind. How many times I've started a house fire, I couldn't say. My dad and I probably started at least a hundred since we started living there. The people at the fire department probably had us on their hit list.

When I got into the kitchen, I was greeted by a smoking pan ('cause I accidentally left the edge of the cardboard box the pancake mix was in too close to the burner and it caught on fire a little bit. I got my friend the fire extinguisher out from underneath the kitchen sink and put it out with no problem, but I could tell since the smoke had spread all throughout the house that Kiku was probably worrying. I put the extinguisher away and turned off the burner, not really thinking about how hungry I was anymore now that Kiku was awake.

I finished cleaning my mess and put the bowl of batter in the refrigerator, bracing myself for Kiku's lecture about being careful while cooking as I made my way back to my room.

He was shaking in fear, but relief came over him when he saw me come into the room. I waved my arms around in the air erratically to try to get the smoke out of my face, coughing all the while. I picked up my sketchbook and waved it around instead, closing the door when I felt I'd adequately done so.

" **What**  did you  _do_!?" Kiku gasped, horrified.

"It's nothing, Keeks." I said absently, standing there and holding my sketchbook, losing my train of thought. Something about my room was off.

Upon further inspection, I noticed that my closet door was open, full of clothes and other stuff that weren't there the night before. Kiku followed my gaze to the closet and sighed softly.

"Your father came in while you were sleeping." he explained, muttering " _He really does have large eyebrows_..." under his breath. I was ignoring him though; I was way too intrigued by the new clothes to listen to him.

I hopped over to my closet and dug through the massive amount of presents Dad got me. I was touched that I had so many new clothes because a few months prior to that he took me shopping but hadn't gotten paid yet and couldn't get anything. From the looks of it, he went back and bought everything I tried on. I fell to my knees, a wide grin on my face as I began to dig through the pile. I had new art pencils, sketchbooks, and a wacom tablet on top of it all. I was so excited.

"Why didn't you tell me it was your birthday?" Kiku asked.

He sounded hurt. I turned to him and stood up, holding the new Batman pj's I wanted really badly in my arms.

"I didn't think about it. I'm sorry." I said. "My birthday is on a holiday, so I was thinking "Oh, it's only the fourth of July. He probably won't care about that-"" I began taking my pants and shirt off to try on my new clothes.

He gasped in shock and immediately covered his eyes, shaking his head.

" **WHAT ARE YOU DOING** ,  **ALFRED**?" he screeched, looking like he was about to faint. I stood there without putting on my clothes for a minute trying to figure out what all the commotion was about. He made a space between his fingers to peak through and cringed when he saw I was still half naked. " **P-PLEASE PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!** "

"Why are you-" I started, a little offended. I was his  _boyfriend_ , wasn't I? I didn't see what the big deal was. I rolled my eyes and slipped my pants on, making him sigh in relief.

"Thank you..." he murmured, taking a deep breath and trying to regain his composure I guess. He was just sitting there, clutching his chest, wide-eyed and jaw hanging open as he panted. I decided just to throw him off I was gonna remain shirtless and I crawled back into the computer chair, smirking at him.

"What was that all about?" I asked, making him stand up by using the arrow keys. I quickly forgot about the whole ordeal, but I'm sure it is imprinted on his mind like flashbacks from the war. I remembered that I didn't quite complete the level I was on last night because of its difficulty. I wanted to finish it. "Wanna play some levels?"

He nodded, thinking about the question I'm sure. His whole body was still red and it sounded like he was hyperventilating. I shrugged and clicked the drop down menu, continuing from the checkpoint we left off at last.

As the levels progressed, the game got so difficult that I'd been on level twenty for almost two whole days (which was a very long time for me). I was paranoid about accidentally killing Kiku before, and now I was afraid to move forward without buying him a shit ton of armor and extra lives first. I had him in so many shields and a bullet proof vest, along with a helmet that was bigger than him. He couldn't walk as fast as he used to and he sometimes lost energy just trying to lug it all around. I felt bad at first but I decided he was better this way. If he died he would come back, but he said it was painful and just like a human dying. I didn't want that for him.

We played in peace for about a half an hour or so before we heard the sound of the faceless beings approaching. He froze and I braced myself to have to deal with a mini heart attack as we fought them off.

"Close your eyes, Keeks."

"Okay..." he whimpered, doing so as I entered the code to blindfold him and protecting him from the spell of the faceless beings. I aimed his gun at the first one I saw, which was like less that a foot away from him in the game. I wished I could just jump into the game and kill them all myself, but this would have to do. It flew back against a tree and disappeared, but the attack was still on and a mob of the creatures were closing in on him. I was a little worried because they were moving so fast and I couldn't decide which ones I should kill first.

Kiku was stoic and still though, and even though he had the blindfold on he looked at me and smiled reassuringly.

"I trust you, koibito."

Well that didn't make me feel any better at all. I was ten thousand times more worried. I fired off at one just as it was about to touch him. I was so terrified of one of them touching him that I just started spinning him around in circles and firing at random, closing my eyes and hoping for the best.

Eventually I didn't hear the humming anymore and waited, not daring to open my eyes.

"Oof-" came along with a thud.

**Attack survived. Saving Game.**

"Oh." I groaned, opening my eyes and watching Kiku collapse in exhaustion, the blindfold disappearing. He sighed loudly and lay stomach first on the ground, letting his head roll to the side. I felt horrible that I fell into the trap so easily and moved the cursor over his head to pet him.

"I'm sorry..."

"No, it's fine." he whispered, curling in on himself. I reached into the inventory once the save was complete and handed him one of the little glowing heart icons that he used to regain his strength. He stood up and we started down the pathways again, running into a lot of twists and turns and some puzzles to complete until we finally beat the level at around three o'clock.

When we were at the check point and I was scribbling notes to myself about the routes and puzzles in my notebook, I noticed Kiku was frowning and looking deep in though. He glanced up at me briefly, his brows furrowed.

"You should eat, Alfred." as thought to emphasize this point, he grabbed an orange from the tree he was sitting in and began to eat it. I smiled at him and laid my head on the desk, kicking my legs back and forth underneath it.

"Nah, my dad's taking me out to dinner later."

I thought about it for a second. I didn't want to leave the house and be away from Kiku on my birthday; I guess I was just gonna have to tell dad I didn't want to go. I minimized the game screen and pulled up some of my classes online, hearing Kiku gasp when I did. I pulled up the extra cam in the righthand corner of the screen and gave him a little wink as I started my algebra test. Dad would be pissed if I didn't at least do something involving school today. Kiku looked down and saw what I was doing, so he didn't say much, he just kept eating his orange and humming quietly.

I finally finished a half hour later, and leaned back in my chair when randomly I got an email from my dad. I pulled it up and read it, Kiku looking at it uneasily, probably thinking I'd be mad if he read it but I just enlarged the font hoping that would tell him I didn't care.

_Al, good job on your test. Get dressed. I'll be home in fifteen._

_-Dad_

I wanted to tell him I didn't want to go after all but he signed out as soon as I marked it as read. Kiku and I sat silently for a while before I X'd everything out but the game and relaxed in my chair again.

"I'm sorry for reading that, but perhaps you should do as he said so you won't upset him, dear."

_Dear!?_

"Don't call me dear it makes us sound like an old married couple." I said playfully, watching him laugh back in embarrassment. I had that weird look on my face when you're trying not to smile or laugh.

"What do I call you? Darling?" he asked me, completely serious, and not at all thinking that wanting to call me such a thing was weird.

"Uh," I giggled, scratching the back of my head. "I like darling, but it makes you sound like you're my grandma."

Kiku pressed his lips together in thought, tapping his chin. He sat silently for a few moments before he looked at me with a smile.

"Sweetie?"

I was really trying not to laugh.

"My Aunts call me sweetie!"

"Well you're very difficult to please here, angel."

"Angel? I'm your angel?" he had me blushing then, but I was still just messing around with him. I smirked and curved my fingers, putting them behind my head like devil horns and sticking my tongue out at him. He did the same thing and giggled.

"Yes, you're my angel, Alfred." he was being serious, looking at me with a straight face. "I love you very much." he added with a soothing tone of voice, blowing me a kiss and winking.

"..." I nearly choked on my own spit, looking down and messing with my fingers in my lap, at a loss for words. I meant more to him than I thought I did. "You're my... baby..." I said while simultaneously breathing in, taking off my glasses and wiping the sweat from my forehead. He was just  _beaming_  up at me, a little heart popping up above his head. I laughed and licked my lips cause they were so dry, pointing to it. "Is that for me?"

"What are you talking about...?" he asked me in Japanese, looking up at where I was pointing. He looked mortified with himself, cupping a hand over his mouth. "S-sorry! I do not know why that is happening!"

"Don't be sorry!" I cooed, kissing the screen a bit longer than I usually did.

It used to make me feel like a total loser- like those lonely middle aged guys who still live with their parents and have body pillows of anime characters- but I did it so often that is started to feel normal and I didn't care anymore.

No one was ever around to see it anyways.

Kiku sighed happily and looked like he was kissing me back, and I stayed latched to the screen longer. I was curious what he was kissing exactly (I had the screen but what did he have...? Still baffles me now and he won't say so).

I guess I failed to hear the car pulling up in the drive way, and I flew backward in my chair praying silently that I did it soon enough, my dad stepping into the room, his massive eyebrows raised and his eyes wide.

" _ **Son**_ , I think we've got to have a talk." he said with no hesitation, putting a hand on my shoulder and speaking in a grave tone of voice.

Kiku squeaked a gentle  _sorry_ before he minimized the game screen.

Dad stared down at me like I was mentally ill or something and knelt down, pulling me back up with him and dusting the dirt from the floor off of my butt like I was five years old. I hastily took off my sock and threw it at the webcam while dad wasn't looking so Kiku couldn't see it, put my hands behind my back, and began to whistle.

He shot me a very judgmental glare.

"Alfred, what on Earth did I just witness?" he asked, putting his hands on his hips. "Why aren't you dressed? You got my email, didn't you?" he shook his head and walked to my closet, pulling out a white tux I'd never seen before in my life. "Here, put this on." he said, tossing it to me and reaching into his pocket. I opened my mouth to speak but he tossed a box onto the tux in my arms, and I gawked down at it.

An iphone.

I could download the game onto the iphone!

I felt like I was gonna cry I was so happy. I just nodded and started putting on the outfit. Dad smiled and kissed my forehead after he helped me tie my tie.

"Happy birthday."

"Thanks so much..." I choked out, resisting the urge to hug him. He didn't particularly like to be hugged by me, or anyone for that matter. He ruffled my hair and padded down the hallway, and I assumed that meant he was gonna give me some time to play with the new gift before we went to dinner.

I turned it on and pulled the game screen back up again. Kiku was way far back in the corner of the screen, in the fetal position. I looked up at the cam and noticed the sock fell off. He was probably too spooked cause he saw me naked again and because he was still freaked out that my dad saw us kissing. I showed him my new phone.

"Now I can take you with me places." I said happily, but he said nothing in response. I chuckled to myself and plugged the phone in to the side of my computer so it could charge, starting the game download and putting some pictures and stories and stuff to look at on there too while I waited. " _Baby_ ~" I sang after a while, shaking the mouse to get his attention. 

" _Why_?" he asked, sounding deeply troubled. 

"Why what?" 

" _Why don't you wear underwear_?" 


	6. Chapter 6

Alfred was pacing the room while he downloaded various programs onto his new cellphone.

I mistook it for him being impatient, so I busied myself with hacking into the other programs so they would download faster. He realized what I was doing and scolded me for it.

"I  _need_  it to take a long time." he stated urgently, pointing his finger in my direction and leaning over his desk. The red tie he was wearing hung loose and the edge of it was draped over the keyboard. I looked as it as he went on, feeling embarrassed. "I really really  _really_  don't want to go with Arthur."

I looked away from the tie temporarily to see Alfred's frowning face.

"Aren't you hungry?" I asked, trying not to sound worried. He hadn't eaten anything at all since yesterday afternoon, but he didn't like it when I mentioned things like that. And why was he suddenly using his father's first name while talking talking about him?

"Yeah, but I don't want to go with him. I hate being places with him..." he murmured. I was not convinced, but he was certainly putting on a good show. "I can hardly stand it when he's home as it is."

Perhaps I just never really came to terms with how much Alfred hated his father. Having no parents of my own, I guess I didn't want him to have a bad one. I always had this strong feeling inside that parents are absolutely perfect, and loving and caring... but Arthur was just the opposite of it all. I remembered once Alfred started crying talking about it; how Arthur thinks he can buy Alfred's affection, and I didn't want to believe it. The only thing I could thank him for was buying Alfred my game. If it weren't for him we would have never met.

"I have to pretend to be sick or something..."

I nodded, sitting cross legged on the ground, patiently watching him pace the room. I wanted to encourage him to go and to give his father a chance, but who was I to do that? I only know what Alfred tells me, which is hardly anything at all, and I couldn't base my opinions of Arthur off of simply that. There was so much to the story that I could never know or understand. It wasn't my place to tell him what to do.

He sat down in his desk chair, looking disgruntled as he glared at his door which stood ajar, practically twitching every time he heard his father's footsteps. From what I could hear in the hall, Arthur was talking on the phone to someone.

Alfred unbuttoned the blazer of his tux. I blushed and turned away out of instinct, even though it seemed to annoy him when I became flustered by his nudity. I will  _never_  understand that...

"What should I do...?" he asked, removing the coat and putting it behind his chair. He paused for a moment, which made me close my mouth and forget my response.

"I'll be right back."

I nodded absently, watching him run out of the room. I waited patiently for him to come back. I couldn't help myself, but as he was gone, I imagined what my own father would be like.

I hoped he would be kinder and more loving than Alfred's father was. I wondered if he would look like me, the same way that Alfred strongly resembles his father. Then I thought about  _everything_  when the silence turned into a ringing in my ears.

_If I wasn't just a character, I would have a father... I would have a whole family._

It was at the point that I was so sick of being in the game that I wanted to fire my gun at those stupid artificial trees and let them collapse onto me. I wanted to be out in Alfred's world with him- taking in the oxygen of real _living_  plants, feeling the warmth of  _real_  sunlight on my skin. As a silent form of protest, I took a deep breath and clamped my mouth shut. I would see how long I could go without breathing, and what would happen if I did.

Alfred was taking an unusually long time to return from whatever he was doing, but if I listened closely I could hear him sometimes pass by, mutter something, and then start off down the hallway to complete his task again. When he did it for the third time I got a little suspicious and sat up, making eye contact with him for a moment before he turned away. I wanted to say something, but a cherry blossom fell on top of my head and I flinched from shock, breathing in and becoming angry with myself. The petals ignored my rebellion and kept falling in a steady pattern like that until I was surrounded by them completely.

I looked up and shook the petals from my hair, watching them fall at a more rapid pace. The trees above were in a sort of canopy and bits of 'sunlight' shone through them.

Standing up and walking toward the tree, I didn't take my eyes off of those sunbeams. I knew what lay above was probably nothing but more pixels, but deep down inside of me I wanted it to be a sun. I dug my fingers into the spaces of the bark on the tree and set off climbing, glancing back at where I was sitting earlier and seeing a small circle in the mound of cherry blossoms. I climbed for what felt like forever, all the while my heart was in my throat begging for that sun. I bet the light is something that ordinary humans take for granted. How I longed for the warmth and very real shine of the star... but it was strange. Like just by imagining it I could feel it in a way.

I stood on the highest branch there was, reaching up and moving smaller ones out of my way to be greeted with a pink sky. But upon further inspection it spanned just a few feet more until it faded into nothingness. There was no sun after all.

The sadness I felt thanks to that discovery was indescribable, and my heart started beating so quickly all of a sudden. I grew dizzy and flopped down onto the tree branch, clinging to the tree trunk to maintain my balance as I gathered the strength to climb down.

As I sat on the branch and dangled my feet over the edge, my shoes fell off and landed on the ground. I kicked my bare feet back and forth, shivering at the breeze that went by then and suddenly feeling very cold. I wrapped my arms around myself and leaned back against the trunk of the tree, still shivering, my teeth clicking together and my heart still skipping beats.

I forgot about the devastation I was feeling before.

I was soaking wet but clearly I hadn't been near water!

Water was seeping through the spaces between my toes and falling to the ground, just as the blossoms did; so rapidly that within moments my shoes were slightly afloat in a puddle. I couldn't hear anything but what sounded like waves and I tasted salt on my tongue. I opened my eyes and it was like there was a cloudy film over them, and what's worse I just... started hearing voices... it was more strange than the waves themselves.

They were people calling my name.

They sounded so terrified and breathless, and all I could do was listen to their strained voices and hear them muffled by the chaotic waves. I was so frozen, so scared...

Was I losing my mind?

" _Kiku-chan!"_  they called desperately, all at once, at least three people calling my name as if begging for my attention. _"Someone go get him!"_

It was as real as if Alfred were sitting at his desk and screaming at me at the top of his lungs.

It was so frightening I resisted the urge to cry. When I tried to reply, water would pour from my mouth.

I was shaking and I felt like nothing could pull me out of this psychotic episode when suddenly I heard the voices of Alfred and his father, and the sounds of the strangers disappeared in that same ocean that overtook my body. I listened intently to this outlet from my emotions, using my shirt collar to wipe the water from my chin.

"Well _fuck you_ , then!"

"You ungrateful little prick!  **I gave up my life for you and this is the thanks I get**?"

I couldn't make out everything they were saying, but it made me scramble to grab a hold of the branch so I wouldn't fall again. I was very high up and I feared if I looked down the mysterious water would still be there waiting to drown me... so I stayed there, salt water dripping into my eyes and making me have to shut them tightly to avoid the stinging sensation it would bring.

"-you were nothing but a bloody  _mistake_!"

"-you just kill me, then!"

"If it weren't illegal-"

" **JUST KILL ME IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT**!"

I heard a shriek, a thud, and the slamming of a door. Shortly after, soft cries came from the direction of Alfred's bedroom door and I knew what had happened.

"Alfred!" I whispered, almost unable to hear his cries anymore because my own were so thunderous. I was shaken by everything; the water, the voices, Alfred... it made me feel so vulnerable and utterly useless that I couldn't do anything about any of it. 

Soon enough he came into the room, looking emotionless. He was entirely broken, that much was evident.

He had blood seeping from the left side of his face, gluing the hair to his pale cheeks. His glasses had a shatter or two in them, and a little piece of broken glass had lodged itself into Alfred's chin, probably when he made contact with the floor.

"Don't worry about me." he said, crawling into the desk chair and looking at me. He grabbed me with the mouse and brought me down gently, away from the abandoned shoes and the strange water and more towards him. I shivered looking into his eyes. They had no life in them anymore. "Please calm down."

I tried to, closing my eyes and thinking of that feeling of sun I'd always dreamed of. I felt it in my skin and through my whole body, like someone had their arms wrapped around me and we were standing in the middle of a desert. It should have been uncomfortable but it was exactly what I needed.

Alfred removed his glasses and winced in pain as he took the chunk of glass out of his chin.

"I'll have to tape those back, then."

"Won't you need to see?"

"Nah, I only need them to read."

I decided I would wait until he wanted to talk about it, at the risk of seeming inconsiderate.

"Can I be honest with you?"

I paused. I closed my eyes again and inhaled deeply before I opened them and nodded.

"I want to kill myself."

I genuinely didn't have a response to this. It was startling. To want to commit suicide, one must have an intense self-loathing, but in the time I'd known him he showed no signs of it. All I knew was his carefree and bubbly side. I was entirely unaware there was more to him until that point.

He looked so stoic and still, having great posture as he sat there. He was silent.

"Go to sleep." I stated. "Now." 

"What?"

I didn't know what I was trying to do, or what possessed me to say such a thing, but I did.

"Go to sleep." I repeated, standing by my orders despite being apprehensive of them. 

He didn't protest.

He trailed off into his bed and curled himself up in the sheets. I watched him until I was sure he had fallen asleep, and then it was my turn to worriedly pace back and forth through my area as I though of how to handle this. I fell asleep on the ground eventually, pressing my curled up body to the screen for dear life because I was afraid waves would engulf me if I didn't.

 

* * *

 

I heard a sweet tune as I stepped across the pathway. There were little red stones that made a trail on the forest floor, and I followed it.

It wasn't often that I had dreams but when I did they were very real, so I didn't question it.

The tune got louder as I hopped across the stones, and I looked down at myself when I stumbled over one and I was trying to get my balance back. I was wearing a plain white kimono. I didn't think I owned one. The only thing I had ever worn was my suit for the game, after all.

I came across a little lake in the middle this forest scene, walking right up to it without fear.

I should have been afraid but I guess my fear of large bodies of water doesn't dig deep into my self conscience.

I was about to look down into the water when suddenly the tune stopped, and I shot around and saw Alfred standing there.

I decided then that I liked that dream.

He walked over to me slowly and we both reach for each other in unison, pressing our palms together.

I decided it was my imagination playing tricks on me; I'd never felt another human hand before. Alfred's was warm and slightly damp, pink coloured flesh and the occasional tear or crease from fiddling with his paper no doubt. It must have been the way I perceived him.

He said nothing, but laced our fingers together. I looked down at the pond finally, not seeing either of our reflections. But what I did see after a while was a small body, just bobbing up and down. I held Alfred's hand tightly to let him know that I would keep him safe if he was afraid, and as he wrapped his arms around me I could feel his body tremble, confirming my suspicions. He rested his head on my neck, closing his eyes. I held him, still looking at the water, waiting for the body to turn over.

It never did.


	7. Chapter 7

It happened too quickly to remember in detail, but the thing I couldn't forget about that fight with dad was when he hit me.

He had never hit me before.

He always told me he didn't believe " _smacking the dumb out of your kid_ " actually worked, but he sure thought otherwise when he slammed the book he was reading shut and whacked me upside the head with it. I was super small and weak, so I went flying and slid a good few feet across the floor, landing on my left side and getting multiple gashes from it. Laying there, the blood pooled around me. Arthur just stared, looking back and forth between me and his hands.

He ran away from me saying " _I'm sorry_ " over and over again. I heard the front door slam.

I forgave him instantly.

Everything he said was true; I ruined his life.

He was seventeen when I was conceived. He got stuck raising me because my mom was tired of trying to make it work. They both had to give up college and become adults and parents too quickly and she didn't like that. My grandparents supported them financially up until they died and she bolted out of the door the moment she heard they had no money left to give. They'd spent it all on helping them raise me.

My dad slowly started to become more like a big brother than a father during his mid twenties when I was about seven years old. He lost motivation to be a good parent because he had no wife or parents to encourage him to do better. He started dropping me off at daycares or forcing me to join clubs at school so he could go out drinking after work and wallow in his own self pity. I can't blame him for it; I'd probably do the same. And in a way I thank him for making sure he wasn't around while he was having one of his little freak outs. I'd be even more of a fuck up if he didn't pay attention to those tiny details.

I used to blame Arthur for everything up until I was ten. Then I started blaming myself.

I wished I was never born.

I had dreams almost every night of how much happier he'd be if I wasn't.

I sometimes got the idea in my head that my grandparents would still be alive (which is far fetched because they both died of old age), and that my parents would still be together (also way out there because they were never in love, they were just together for sex I think). Once, Arthur was getting me ready for a bath when I was little and I just flopped down into the water and tried to drown myself.

That was the last time he ever really showed how much he loved me.

He yanked me out and wrapped me in a towel, sobbing hysterically, holding me so tightly I could hardly breath and calling me "honey".

" _Well yes, honey, you were accidental. But you're a wonderful accident_." he whispered to me, rubbing our noses together and trying to stop crying. I used the edge of my towel to dry off his eyes, but that made him cry more, and he pinched my cheeks.

" _I'm sorry I was born daddy. I just want you to be happy_."

" _ **You**_ _make me happy, love_.  _You're the best thing I've ever made and I thank mummy everyday for giving you to me_."

We got Chinese food and watched Spiderman cartoons until we were tired and he carried me off to bed with him. He held me close, telling me stories about all the fun things he used to do with my grandfather when he was my age. He fell asleep telling his own stories but I was still wide awake, and I looked at the little notepad on his bedside table and the pencil, his stories fresh in my mind about how much his dad loved art and taught him how to draw. I crawled over Arthur and retrieved the pencil and paper, drawing my very first sketch of  _Eye-Brows_ saving little kids from drowning at the beach.

How we went from that to " _fuck you_ " and " _you were a mistake_ " is beyond me.

Laying there on the floor, it was like all of that was pointless. I started to hyperventilate, bawling my eyes out and feeling my arms and legs fall asleep as I did. I felt like he didn't love me or think I was his "love" or "honey" anymore and that tore me to pieces.

After I had my freak out I stood up and wobbled to the bathroom.

I was going to do it finally, and he wouldn't be there to save me that time. I hovered my hands over the handle of the bathtub ready to run the water and meet my fate at last when I heard Kiku call my name. I tried to ignore it; I didn't want anything stopping me from dying. I felt like it was my time to go. All my life I'd just been a waste of space- that sarcastic fuck that all my teachers hated and the nerdy comic book boy the other students loved to pick on.

It annoyed me sometimes that Kiku thought so highly of me. I'm just a piece of trash but he treats me like royalty.

I began to run the icy cold water and sat cross legged in front of the tub, waiting for it to fill up, but Kiku started crying out for me. Even the water couldn't silence his moaning and heaving so I closed the door. It was cruel of me but I was determined.

"Alfred!" I heard him cry, and I'd had enough.

I lost the motivation to do it.

Even if I wasn't Arthur's special mistake anymore, I was still Kiku's 'angel'.

I shut off the water and darted out of the bathroom, into my room across the hall, standing in the doorway and looking at the ground really thinking about things.

When I sat down it was because my legs were too unstable to hold me up on anymore.

He only spoke with me a short while before he ordered me to go to sleep.

I didn't argue because I was exhausted and the pain in my head was becoming unbearable.

I had a crazy dream that night that I was in this forest kind of place.

It was pretty and warm, and it was a nice change of pace from my head trauma in the waking world. All around me I could hear crickets sing and birds give off those cute little cries whenever I entered 'their' territory. It was hypnotic, and with such a melody I couldn't help but join in. I started humming as I skipped down the stoned pathway, crinkling my nose when a butterfly decided to land on it and laughing. I was overcome with this weird, unexplainable happiness while I was in that dream, something that I desperately needed to keep me going.

I finally came to the edge of the pathway and saw a cul-de-sac sort of grounds, entering it and seeing a little koi pond in the middle. Sitting down beside it, I looked into the crystal clear water and saw little fish swimming around in it with gems at the bottom (it was rather shallow). I carried on humming until I heard footsteps coming my way.

When I saw him, it took me a second to realize it was  _actually_  him; it was weird seeing him from all sides.

He came from the same opening that I did, wearing all white which really emphasized how dark his hair was and made me realize his eyes were actually lighter in colour than I thought they were. He was barefoot, stepping over the stones and watching his every step with intent.

It took him a while to look up but once he did, he gawked at me, awestruck.

Naturally, I ran up to him.

He offered a curt bow before I couldn't resist any longer and grabbed a firm hold of his hands. I kissed this cheek, and we walked back over to the pond. I wanted to throw my arms around him, but there was something in the water catching his attention, so I followed his gaze to see it.

What I saw is something I don't want to remember.

I didn't look down at all after that and I was ready for that hug. Like he was reading my mind, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me in, facing me toward him and away from the pond.

He smelled sweet- like green tea and honey and maybe some cakes or candy, and he was even more warm than the forest. I felt such a sense of security there in his embrace that I let my whole body just relax, and he kept me up steady. We stayed like that for the duration of the dream; him staring at the water and me clinging to his chest trying to forget it. Being complete opposites, I always knew we were perfect together.

He never breathed a word to me. He just pulled away eventually and gave me a kiss on the lips, nose, and the forehead, like he was saying goodbye. He pulled me back in and gave me a gentle squeeze before letting me go and fading away. I woke up moments after that to a throbbing pain at the side of my head, crusted and dried blood caked to my skin. I cringed and peeled it off, getting blood underneath my fingernails and beginning to sweat at the sight of it. I always hated the look, texture, and smell that came with blood.

I rolled over onto my back and sat up, squinting my eyes to see Kiku, wide awake and sitting at the edge of the screen waiting for me.

He smiled gently and waved, and I was pleasantly surprised that I had his smell on me (although since we never actually touched it was just what I imagined him to smell like! Which was accurate by the way, but that's neither here nor there) and that warming feeling seeping underneath my skin. My heart was pounding remembering his kisses and the way he rubbed my back.

I walked to the desk wrapped in my cocoon of blankets, yawning and looking at him with a lazy grin. I was wondering why he was being so quiet; usually the first thing he did in the morning was jump all over me, asking how I slept and what I dreamed about and if I was going to eat breakfast. Instead he sat, looking me up and down and walking around trying to see my back, motioning for me to lean in so he could examine my wounds. I let him do his little interrogation (which took painfully long). He stopped and blew me a kiss with a sad look on his face, but he giggled when I pretended to catch it with my fingers and press it to my lips.

"If you took your own life you'd never be able to catch my kisses." he said gravely.

What I said that night was true, though- I wanted to kill myself. Before I found Kiku, I felt so lonely- like I was the only one like me.

The only people I was friends with were my cousins (who were like twice my age, married people with children, but I didn't get along with their kids my own age), and my aunts (three times my age, middle aged women who play bingo for fun). It was depressing to know I was accepted by everyone but my peers. Meeting Kiku was like none of that mattered anymore.

Believe me when I say it wasn't intentional that I got so attached to him. It just sort of happened. I was obsessed with him and he was my only connection to the real world and people (ironic as it is).

We spoke nearly non stop everyday for so long that it got to a point I could not even think of leaving the house or going to sleep without saying goodbye and I love you to him first.

And I wouldn't.

"You're right. I'm sorry." I said finally, sighing and resting my cheek on my hand. His lips were twitching like he was trying with everything in him not to freak out on me about what happened with Arthur the night before, but he probably didn't know if it was okay to talk about it yet.

He cares about me  _so_  much.

Looking into his eyes I spit out everything and by the time I'd finish we were both crying like a couple of overemotional losers.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't-" I spat between sobs, shaking my head.

"I'm sorry things are so hard for you but please," he cut me off, letting his helmet fall over his face with an " _excuse me_ " because he didn't want me to see him so hysterical. "...  _please_ don't ever say you want to kill yourself again and don't ever think about it because your life is  _precious_  to me!"

I laughed.

He was appalled.

"I can assure you I'm far from joking, Alfred!" he scolded me, but I kept laughing because I couldn't see his facial expression because of the helmet.

"TAKE THAT THING OFF, I CAN'T-"

"Please stop laughing you're making me feel foolish!" he sounded so confused and hurt.

I couldn't breath I was laughing too hard, and I could just imagine the look he was probably giving me.

"I love you  _so_ much." I cried, wiping a tear from my eye as I finally managed to stop laughing.

I was going to tell him about my dream, but I didn't want to scare him, and plus thinking of that cute little face of his I found it hard to believe the strong, cool, and serious boy in my dream was an accurate representation of him. Kiku was way too cute to be like that. I moved the cursor and took the helmet from his head, proving my suspicions of what he looked like correct. 

"Don't cry!"

"B-but-" he stammered, and I kissed the screen where he was.

"Let's not talk about this anymore. I promise I won't ever want to hurt myself again, okay?" I insisted, nodding until he nodded along with me. Batting his eyelashes to get the tears out of his eyes, he turned to the side and away from me. I wanted to change the subject. I'd had enough of being depressed and I just wanted to be happy with my Kiku, but I think he was having a more difficult time moving on than I was.

"Let's play some levels." I suggested, smiling.

"Okay." he said gently.

I wondered what happened to his armor briefly; when I woke up he wasn't wearing it at all. I shrugged and grabbed the drop down menu again to get him suited up, much to his dismay. I giggled lightly at him as I put his battle gear on him.

"Sorry. I'm not taking any chances." I said playfully, earning a hopeless grunt and a wave of his hand. I situated the helmet back on his head and entered the maze.

_**Level 25: Himeji Castle** _

_**Final destination** _

_Level 25 which begins at the white castle will take you out into the ocean which you much travel across. Deliver **Honda Kiku** to his destination safely. If you die during this level you have one more chance to repeat it before you have to start from the beginning of the game._

Kiku looked at the top the screen and saw these words, and when I pushed the up arrow he refused to move forward.


	8. Chapter 8

"Why'd you stop?" Alfred asked me. "Let's go." he pressed the arrow key again to move me but I stood still.

I couldn't respond correctly because I didn't know why I didn't want to go on.

I stood silently until the realization came to me. 

Looking down at the streams and flowers and whatnot that littered the pathway to the castle, I couldn't bring myself to imagine what was beyond. It wasn't like any of the other levels where I had a good idea of what was to come next. This was the most difficult puzzle of the game, the most detailed, and the one that would take the longest and have the most obstacles. If I took a wrong step, I could die. Throughout the whole game, Alfred made it a point to make sure I never had to go through the pain of dying. I feared since we'd delayed the inevitable for so long that the pain would be even worse than it would have been had we not been so cautious.

I stood stolid for a few more moments, my heart caught in my throat. Only the sound of his humming pulling me from my thoughts. It sounded just like how it did in the dream I had had the night before.

"Are you scared?" he asked, tapping his fingers on his desktop and smiling at me when I turned around to face him. He tucked some hair behind his ears so his face was more visible and he didn't look at all disturbed. I guess he hadn't thought about what would happen to me if he finished the game before then, either. "I've kept you safe this far, I won't break the streak, I promise."

"I have full confidence in you." I said at once, not wanting him to have the wrong idea before I went off of on my tangent. He looked at me expectantly as I bit my lips. "I don't know what is next. I don't know what beating the game means for me."

He thought about what I'd said for a moment, his face lighting up as he realized what I was talking about.

"So you don't want to beat the game? That's fine, you know."

"But I also don't know how long you can go on a level before you lose..."

Suddenly I remembered that when Alfred had first begun the game, he'd already translated the instructions for himself so I didn't feel it necessary to tell him the time limit on the levels that begun once you advanced past stage fifteen. You gained new privileges, like the inventory menu, but you also lost them as well, like no longer being able to ask for voice assistance and you gained the annoying time limit.

This interval was usually three weeks. If you failed to complete the level in those three weeks you'd have to start the game from the beginning again. It doubled for the final level.

The longest we could be together before I'd have to face my final destiny would be less than two months and it was the most frightening thing I ever learned about my game.

"Let's just stay here then; I don't mind." he reassured me. I shook my head, frowning.

"We can't."

I did my best explaining this newly recalled information. It was so scary- thinking about Alfred beating the game, then having my entire existence fall to pieces. I could imagine that if the game were beaten I would become like the copies of myself I despise so much and lose my self awareness. The scariest thing would be to become like that and not be able to speak with or recall my experiences with Alfred ever again...

If I lost him I would be a completely different person.

"Calm down! It'll be okay." he tried to calm me down as I was pacing back and forth, sweat dripping down the sides of my face and fogging up the glass of my helmet. He tapped the screen, which made me shake some, and I stumbled backward trying to regain my balance. "Kiku, be  **calm**." he demanded, and I looked up at him and nodded along with him.

"Calm." we said in unison, and I felt like I was about to faint. How he expected me to be calm in such a situation was beyond me.

"I have an idea."

Yes! Of course he had an idea, he was my savior after all and my noble player that would save me from my cruel fate!

"...but it involves killing you on purpose."

"Oh _, no_." I spat breathlessly, unable to process what he'd said. Kill me on purpose? Was he in a sadistic mood that day or what!? I shook my head, trembling in fear. "You can't be serious. Please tell me you're joking, Alfred, why would-"

"Hey, remember to stay calm? We just went over this. Let me continue."

"We kill you on purpose." he said, making me shiver again, but he shot me a stern glare that told me to remain silent. "In this level, it said if you die once, then we have to start all over again at the very beginning of the game."

A wave of relief washed over me.

"Yeah. See? I have everything handled." Alfred said happily and coolly, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair with his feet propped up on the edge of his desk. Meanwhile I was sprawled out on the ground haphazardly, sweating like a maniac and panting like I'd just run across the entire country, my eyes wide and red. I was relieved that there was a way to beat the odds, but the questions still remained, like an endless supply of uncertainty.

"But how will you kill me?" I asked apprehensively, still not entirely uncomfortable with the plan, but I knew I would have to do it if I wanted to stay with Alfred. I have a high pain tolerance, but death had to hurt worse than anything I'd ever felt before. I couldn't predict how well I could handle it and Alfred seemed so sure in himself then.

He smiled and opened one of his eyes, winking at me.

"Easy. We just put you in the water and you should be out in a few seconds. Then we'll be at the beginning without the time limit and we could stay that way for as long as we wanted!"

_No._

Just the mention of water made me thing of that horrible experience on the tree, and it brought the voices back and the small child in the pond in my dream came into my mind.

" _Kiku-chan, remember to-..."_

Who would be calling me? I didn't know anyone but Alfred and his horrible father! The voice sounded so misty and distant. I was again plagued with the feeling of water flowing beneath my skin the more voices that I heard.

_"Nii-chan!"_

I have no siblings.

"Kiku!"

"Stop, please!" I wailed, shaking my head. The water was thrashing violently through my veins. I felt so cold.

My eyes stung and I couldn't rid myself of the taste of salt in my mouth. The voices of the people still echoed in my mind.

He wanted to drown me... he wanted to push me into the water and watch me die!

Alfred was becoming uneasy.

"Please talk to me!" he pleaded, making the ground shake.

I fell to the ground.

The bump on my head made me stop crying momentarily.

The water rushing through my body was still happening but I couldn't cry about it anymore.

I felt like there were arms wrapped around me and droplets of water were falling onto my forehead. There was a heartbeat near me that wasn't mine. Warmth overcame me and I inhaled the scent of the being who was holding me so tenderly. I could practically see the glow of his soft brown eyes. 

" _I love you... I'm sorry..._ " this person whispered in my ear, stroking my hair back. His tears fell onto my face. 

"Not again." I whispered.

"What?" Alfred asked, confused by the situation and my uncharacteristic behavior. He put the cursor on my hand, which was off the side, wet and limp.

I didn't feel it. I only looked at it. All I could feel was the water stop, and then me being soaked, water pouring from my mouth and nose. And my body was still. I couldn't move it at all.

I could only be carried by this strange presence whose tears fell on my face. I felt him kiss my forehead, his chest shaking.

"It's okay..." I whispered, so stunned by everything that was playing out in my mind that I was ignoring Alfred entirely.

I closed my eyes slowly and was taken to a place that was very much real.

Nothing about it was apart of the game.

I was bathed in sunlight and the water on my skin was drying quickly. I looked up and saw a man coming toward me, giggling gently and kneeling down to my level. He pat my skin with a strange white cream and kissed my nose, turning me around and shooing me away.

" _Kiku-chan, remember to not go past the shore, okay? Promise?_ "

" _Yes._ " I said, turning back around to him. He kissed my cheeks before he let me wander off.

" _Nii-chan!_ " a girl from far away called to me, motioning for me to come toward the ocean with her. I knew we were at a beach when a seagull landed nearby. How I knew it was a seagull was something I didn't understand, because I'd never seen one in my life before. There were no beaches in the game and the man that kissed me and the girl that called for me to come and play had to have been strangers. For some reason I nodded and laughed, wobbling over to her.

I looked down at myself and realized I was a toddler.

The girl looked no older than I was and as I neared her, other children appeared. They were buried in the sand- two other boys and a tall woman nearby. She looked up from the book she was reading and smiled at me.

" _Well come on_." she said, and I nodded and and went over to her. She pulled me into her lap and the other children came up to us moments later, chattering nonsense and getting sand all over the chair we were in. I laid in her lap sleepily while they spoke, part of me wanting to know what kind of hallucination this was, but the other part telling me the woman was my mother and that I was safe in her arms.

I closed my eyes at the warm feeling of her hand on my head, the other playing with my hair as she told the mass of children surrounding us to calm down.

When I opened my eyes again those people were off in the distance.

I was standing by the shoreline, letting the water run over my feet, a soft smile on my face. I walked in a little closer, glancing behind me and watching the supposed couple wrestle the other children, hosing them down to get the sand off of them. I walked in a little closer, the waves becoming more powerful and hitting me with more strength, but I kept walking until the water was up halfway on my chest. I looked up at a very large wave coming at me and closed my eyes.

When I opened them I was in the man's arms, and he was weeping softly. The sadness that he gave off made me upset too. I wanted to say something but I realized I was dead.

" _I love you... I'm sorry..._ " he whimpered, walking out of the water. I could see the woman was crying, holding the girl tightly to her chest, the boys crowding around her and latching onto her legs. They were all crying, and the man's heart was thumping so fast and hard against his chest that I was surprised he was still standing. He held my body tightly and kissed my head again, whispering sorry over and over again.

" _I should have been more careful... I'm sorry I let you down, Kiku..._ "

He managed to whisper, looking into my eyes. I wanted to say something again, because I forgave him and I wanted him to know this, but I couldn't even blink and I had to remind myself I had passed.

He dried me off and held me close to his chest, rubbing my forehead gently. When he looked into my eyes, I knew he was broken beyond repair.

"It's okay." I said, and the feeling that I was being held was gone. I was back in the game, looking at Alfred who was staring at me curiously.

"What do you mean?"

"I had a life before the game." I responded, sitting up and rubbing my head. I wasn't wet anymore, the sunlight was gone, and it was back to being in this fictional universe.


	9. Chapter 9

It wasn't the craziest thing that could have happened after all, right?

There were plot twists like this in movies and comics and other kinds of media so what difference did it make if it was happening in real life?

I must have inherited dad's craziness and his ability to  _talk to the fairies_. I cringed just thinking about all the times I'd rolled out of bed at about midnight or so to get a glass of water and found him sitting at the breakfast table talking casually to the air, the table set up for two. I would just sorta back away slowly and refill my cup at the bathroom sink to avoid him inviting me to sit down with him.

Maybe that's why I accepted Kiku's claim so quickly.

I tried to think of a proper way to tell Kiku what I'd just discovered about myself when a thought occurred to me that should have been insignificant; I hadn't seen Arthur since the incident that occurred the night before.

It wasn't like I was complaining; I liked to have the house to myself and I didn't feel like listening to his speech about how he was sorry and that he shouldn't have said such a thing when he came home. Thanks to Kiku, I had already moved on from the whole ordeal and I'd already forgiven Arthur for what he did. I knew if he came home though he would just drag it out and exhaust me emotionally again.

I tried not to think about it, focusing on Kiku instead. He was probably still worried about his impending death and having creepy flashbacks of the family that may or may not exist in his head.

I tried to imagine what they'd look like as I ran the cursor absently over his head. I assumed they had his black hair and his pasty skin and his cute little nose, the whole package. I looked similar to my dad so it was a proper assumption. I was so curious about Kiku's life and his family. I wanted to ask every question that I thought of, but the clock was ticking and I needed to figure out a way to get back to level one without permanently scarring him mentally or physically.

He had never died in the game before, but he said it was painful so it wasn't something I  _wanted_  to risk doing, but it had to be done though. I'd make sure to make it as quick and painless as I could. It shouldn't have been too hard anyways; at such an advanced level, if you stepped the wrong way, it'd over instantly. I decided I would do just that. We would walk straight forward until something happened. If a Noberu came by I would just resist the urge to punch in the code to save him and he would die quickly with the least amount of pain possible.

However, I knew if I told him my plan he would have a heart attack. He hates things that aren't planned out first.

"You're being strangely quiet." he murmured, his hair frizzing as it dried. He moved some of it out of his eyes and looked up at me, his drowsiness suddenly becoming apparent. We'd do this quickly.

I had him stand. He shook himself off one last time in an attempt to brace himself before we started off down the stoned pathway which looked a lot like the one in my dream I had with him in it. His feet were bare and it bugged me some 'cause I didn't want him to step on something sharp, so I had to remind myself that it was just a game and it wasn't like there would be some random glass shards lying around in the dirt or something. I was always worried about dumb things like that...

He was still half asleep, walking without any coordination or balance whatsoever. I kept having to stop and give him a second to reacquaint himself with the task of walking before we could go on. Killing him was taking a lot longer than it was supposed to. We'd been in the last level for almost an hour and absolutely nothing out of the ordinary happened. As much as I hate to say it, I was  _bored_.

"Hey Keeks," I began, desperate to talk about something, but I didn't have anything on my mine. I waited a few moments before something came to me. I'd been meaning to tell him about my dream, and it would keep me entertained and him distracted from his upcoming expiration. "Have you ever had a dream that someone else was in with you?"

He paused and turned to face me.

"Yes, I have some. Mainly about you."

I blushed a little bit. Okay, not a little bit. I was red as hell and I started giggling like I belonged in a strait jacket.

 _He dreamed about me._ I shouldn't have been as excited about that I was considering I was the only person he knew and spoke to, so of course he was bound to dream about me. But it made me so happy. I felt like I was gonna swoon.

"Oh? What are they like?"

"Well, when we first met I had a dream that you and I were... " he trailed off, laughing at himself as he flopped down onto the ground. He rubbed the back of his hea nervously. "... this sounds stupid but, we were in a tree together. You were hanging on it by your legs and I was trying to copy you."

 _Why can I imagine this so perfectly?_ I thought, giggling stupidly under my breath.

"And shortly afterwards, I dreamed that you and I were playing in a river. It was my favorite one... " he said wistfully, tapping his finger against his chin, looking like he was somewhere else. "... we were holding hands and dancing in the water. The sky behind us was a pale blue and filled with clouds that looked so big and soft they were like cotton balls."

 _Uhm..._ I was having major deja vu all of a sudden. I kept listening, feeling a little uneasy.

"The most recent ones, however, were not so... " he stopped himself, shaking his head and waving his hand around dismissively. "Well yes, they were enjoyable because I was with you, but there was something eerie about it. In the first, we were walking together in a field with flowers and I had picked some for you. But once I had picked them, everything else faded away to dust. I was frightened, but you reassured me things would be okay and we held each other until I woke up."

_Have we really been having the same dreams all this time...?_

"In the other, we were in a forest. And you came to me singing-"

"And then there was a river with-"

"-a little boy in it."

"A-Alfred-?" Kiku was feeling weird too; I could see it in his face. He raised a brow at me, opening his mouth to speak.

"Yes." I answered him, not bothering to wait for him to ask the question. It was clear that I was even more off the deep end than I thought and Kiku was my imaginary friend slash soul mate who came to me in my dreams. That's all.

He looked even more pale than he already is, his lip quivering.

"It was really you then? That was really your singing and your scent and your skin... You're so soft..." he murmured, his trembling lips forming into a smile. The color returned to his cheeks as they heated up.

It was him all along. It wasn't just my imagination. I  _really_  held him in my arms and he held me in his. I was so excited.

"You smell like tea. And you're really freaking skinny! You have no right to tell me to eat more." I interrupted. He gazed at me with a warmth in his eyes that I had only seen before in those dreams. It was different to experience it in person.

"I'll tell you, I tried to make sense of waking up that night with chrysanthemum petals in my bed and wound up wanting a psychologist instead." I was gonna laugh but didn't have the time to before all of the happiness was drained from me and replaced with shock and panic. Just as I was finishing my sentence, he fell into a gaping hole that magically appeared on the forest floor. I swear I almost peed my pants. I shot up from the chair and screamed his name, clutching my laptop monitor as I cried. Big, flashing red kanji came across the screen reading " _game over"_.

"NO SHIT-" I screeched, resisting the urge to knock everything off of my desk and just jump out of the window.

I was so angry. All the blood in my body had rushed to me head. I thought I could faint from the sudden impact of stress on my chest. II knew it was the plan to kill him all along, but knowing that it happened by accident and out of our control tore at me inside. The screen kept flashing " _game over_ ,  _game over_ ," making me sob harder.

After what felt like an hour (when in reality it was a minute at the most) I just rolled my eyes back in my head and fell to the floor.

" **Alfred!**  Wake up, please-!"

I felt something slapping my cheeks gently, but I ignored it because I wanted to keep sleeping. I waited a few minutes.

"Oh, god, what happened to you? Starve yourself again?" the man said, his gentle taps becoming more rough. I was getting irritated.

I stirred a bit, hearing an exasperated sigh.

"Thank god. You scared me half to death."

I felt myself being lifted and he held my against his chest. It took me a moment to process it was my dad.

He kissed my forehead and rocked me back and forth gently, his tears falling on my face. Grimacing, I opened my eyes, looking up at him. I almost didn't recognize him.

He had the biggest black circles under his eyes that I'd ever seen him have in my life and his hair was sticking out in all directions. He had coffee stains on his teeth and he looked like he hadn't slept in ten thousand years. I felt a hand that wasn't his touch my shoulder gently, and then the slender fingers of whoever it belonged to traveled up the sides of my face. Its owner tutted softly when his fingers landed on the gash on the side of my head.

Arthur handed me off to whoever the other person was and I felt much happier in their grasp. He was smaller than my dad but still a lot bigger than me. He had his hair tied up into a ponytail which was draped over his shoulder , the ends of his hair tickling my nose. I smiled and he smiled back, stroking the back of my head and carrying me over to my bed.

He laid me down and put the blanket over me, rubbing my forehead gently. His skin was really soft, so much different from the rough texture of my father's calloused fingertips, so it felt nice.

"We've known each other for how long now and you never told me you had a child?" the guy said, sitting at my bedside and dipping a rag into a bucket of water that had steam coming from it. He applied the warm cloth to where the cut was. It felt nice. I sighed deeply, laying back against my pillow and reaching the man's hand, holding it tightly. He smiled lovingly at me. It felt like I'd known him for years, but I knew that I had never laid eyes on him before.

"I thought you would have assumed by the fact I have grey hairs and come to work late every day because I'm making his breakfast." Arthur said lightly, sitting beside the man and looking down at me with worry in his eyes. Arthur laid his head on the guy's shoulder and sighed, sounding exhausted. He probably hadn't slept since I last saw him, whenever that was; I couldn't remember.

" _That_  must be why he's so thin. Poor thing.. don't worry, Alfred, I'll take care of you." the guy whispered, playfully shrugging Arthur off of his shoulder and leaning down to hug me. I hugged him back even though I still hadn't figured out who he was. Dad spoke with him like he was a long time friends, so I immediately trusted him.

"Watch yourself. There's nothing wrong with my cooking." Arthur said, frowning and gently tugging at the man's ponytail. He looked down at me again and smiled when he saw my eyes were open. "Alfred, this is Yao. He's a good friend of mine from work."

"Hi Yao," I cried quietly, my voice hoarse. "Can you be my new dad, please?" I asked, making him laugh.

I was happy, feeling warm and really safe... safer than I had in a long time. It occurred to me how miserable I was with Arthur, putting a damper on my mood. When I thought about that and how sad it made me, I decided it's be better to think about something happy instead. I thought about Kiku. He was so warm and sweet smelling, and I loved it when he held me, even if he could only hold me in my dreams. I remembered everything that happened between him and I; how we met, how we became close... then I remembered our most recent encounter. He was dead.

I felt like I was gonna pass out all over again.

Yao pulled away just a little but kept a hand on my back and helped me sit up. When I looked at my desk, the laptop was closed. I wanted to scream.

" _Wh-wh-wh-"_  I spluttered.  **WHY WOULD YOU CLOSE MY LAPTOP**? "D-dad please give that to me." I pleaded in desperation, pointing to it, my hand shaking.

Yao rubbed circles into my back and pulled me back into a hug, looking over at my dad with wide eyes. I could tell he thought I was crazy, which I was, but it wasn't my fault because it runs in my family. Dad just shrugged and handed the laptop to me. I flung it open, my eyes twitching as I stared at the scree.

The start up screen appeared. When I moved my finger on the mouse pad to click continue, the word " _Downloading_ " came across the screen.

" **Please**   **do no** **t turn of** f  **your PC**." A robotic voice said in Japanese on full volume. Both Yao and I covered our ears because we were right by the speaker. A bar came across the screen and as it grew, an obnoxious click sounded.

" **Download completed. Loading Level One: Sapporo."**

The screen came back up to level one where Kiku and I first began; at a cross section with a cherry blossom tree on one side and a koi pond at the other, just like it would continue to be for the next six stages. Usually Kiku could be found sitting by the tree and waiting to be played with, but this time he was standing with his back facing me in the middle. I could tell Yao was itching to know what was going on but he said nothing. He just kept holding me in that comforting way, dad leaning in also to see the screen.

I was annoyed that they were both violating our privacy, but also a little scared to see what would happen next.

"Kiku?" I called out tensely.

When Kiku turned around, I could hardly recognize him.

For starters, he was wearing a different outfit; it was now solid black and he had no helmet, and in turn for the long white gun there was a katana hanging from a case around his waist. He was about a foot taller, and his facial features were more sharp and manly and that sweet air of cuteness was morphed into sexiness. I felt my face going red. I squirmed around in Yao's grasp, pulling the laptop in closer and situating my hand on the mouse pad.

"Hello, player." Kiku said, his voice deeper and just  _spine tingling_. I was halfway between crying and being entirely too infatuated with his new more mature self. Why did he call me player? Did he forget who I was...?

"I-it's me..." I whispered in Japanese, glowering and tapping my fingers idly against the side of the laptop, trying not to lose my mind at how hot he was. "You know who I am, don't you?" I added, my voice cracking.  _Oh no_. I was not about to cry. I swallowed hard on the lump of sappiness forming in my throat and raised my chin up, looking at him, awaiting my answer.

He looked confused for a second.

"Why would you ask? Of course I do."

"Thank fucking god." I sighed, earning a scowl from Yao, who slapped Arthur across the face. Just the look in his eyes said " _do you really just let him curse like he was raised in a barn?"._ When I turned back to the computer, Kiku was blushing slightly and looking at me longingly.

"Hey dad, Yao, I'm really hungry." I murmured. "Can you make me something to eat?"

Yao nodded and stood, setting me back down and wrapping me up in the blankets so tightly I couldn't move my arms, but that was the way I liked to be tucked in. He kissed my cheek and walked out of the room, dad following after, and after less than a minute I heard a slapping noise again and Yao going off on my dad about the cursing thing and a lot of other things.

"Kiku-" I said, somewhat breathlessly. He kept smiling. God damn was he sexy. I could hardly keep my focus; I was too busy just  _staring_  at him. It was even worse than it was before.

"Alfred, after I died I underwent such a transformation!" he said excitedly.

" **YEAH** , I can tell." I said, pulling a pillow into my lap and wrapping my arms around it tightly. "Maybe this is how they keep players after they die and have to start all over again."

"Perhaps." Kiku giggled, sitting in the same way I was but sticking his sword in the ground and leaning on the handle of it. "It's good it happened though. Now we won't have to worry about being separated."

"It's a relief. I don't know what I'd do without you." I confessed, although it wasn't much of a confession because I'm sure he knew. He blushed more deeply and shook his head a little, looking toward the ground and gasping happily.

"Oh, look, it's a chrysanthemum." he said, plucking it from its spot in the soil and holding it up for me to see. "It's blue... blue makes me think of you." he said lazily, sniffing it a little before he ripped the stem off and tucked the bulb into his collar. He ran his fingers over it absently and locked eyes with me again, sending shivers down my spine.

"I still can't believe you can age." I exclaimed. He had to be at least seventeen. I suddenly felt like it wasn't my place to be with him, but I knew that was stupid cause he was still the same age as me on the inside... probably. I hoped he was.

"I wasn't aware I did, either. Enough of that, though, I want to continue our conversation about dreams!"

I laughed, resting my chin on the pillow as I stared at him. 

"You just died and you still want to talk about dreams?" I was in disbelief. Everything about him just pulled at my heart strings and made me a babbling twat.

"Yes! I still think it's interesting we've be dreaming together all of this time." he laughed. "Now I want to sleep so we can be together again."

I leaned into the screen kinda slowly, and he did the same and we did our little pretend kiss. I just didn't want to let go even though the only thing I was holding onto was pure emotion. I liked our kisses even if it was just me being a dork and rubbing my lips onto the screen. When I pulled away it was because I heard footsteps coming from down the hall. He understood, but he was frowning from what I could see out of the corner of my eyes.

Yao came in the doorway and looked at me with a bright face.

"I made you some breakfast, Alfred. Would you like me to bring it to you?"

"No, it's okay; I can come get it. Thank you." I said. Kiku blew me a kiss before I managed to unwrap myself from the blanket cocoon. It made my legs all wobbly when I stood; Yao had to come and catch me from falling. He held my hand and led me out of the room, but he kept looking over his shoulder at the screen with a quizzical glare.


	10. Chapter 10

I still had a cloth over my eyes as I walked through the house. I didn't even want to be bothered with the trinkets that indefinitely littered the floors and that I was bound to step. Although, I have to say, that day the house was as clean as it could have ever been. The fresh scent of cleaning products filled my lungs and left a film on the floor. I slipped on it because my head was up in the clouds, landing on my back with a thud. I was pleasantly surprised to feel there were indeed no legos attempting to penetrate my skin and no litter from spilt ash trays on the back of my arms and legs as expected as I sat up slowly.

I felt so ditsy, I just stared up at the ceiling and started giggling like a crazy man.

As I took in my surroundings I smelled the most wonderful food coming from the kitchen, which had never happened before. Ever, I think. Dad is an awful cook and usually when he's trying to make us dinner it just smells like a combination of play doh and spoiled milk, and when we ate I had to put a clip on my nose so I wouldn't smell or taste anything.

The scents coming at me from all sides were distracting me from thinking about Kiku and how much he'd changed. I liked that he remembered me and was just the same as before mentally, but his new physical appearance caught me off guard. It was both arousing and unsettling and without thinking I let my hands wander to my stomach.

Yao stopped when he realized I wasn't behind him and still on the floor in the living room. He walked back to me slowly, kneeling down to my level with an arched brow.

"Why are you acting so goofy? Does he let you do drugs, too?" he asked, feeling my forehead with the back of his hand. He pulled away when he felt I was covered in whatever was on the floor. "That's weird. It usually dries quickly."

I snorted after a few seconds or so as he was taking me into his arms as I finally processed the comment about drugs, but Arthur gave a very bemused cackle and slammed the door of the cupboard he was looking through as he glared at Yao.

"Very funny." he growled, letting the plate he retrieved fall against the surface of the bar. Yao sat me down on the chair and grabbed a paper towel from the other side of the kitchen, handing it to me. Arthur put a couple of pancakes on my plate and some bacon, and my attention was too focused on the amazing food to remember that I had cleaning chemicals as a second layer of skin.

Yao rolled his eyes when I was halfway through gorging my meal and began to dab at my arms himself.

"Look. He's a savage because of your horrible parenting." he grunted bluntly. I was shocked that he was able to be so frank with my dad, but I had to remember that they had known each other for years and were obviously comfortable being honest with each other like that. My dad had to like him at least a little bit if he was willing to swallow his pride and go to him for help with me.

"Watch it, you, I'm an  _excellent_  parent. He's a savage because of his mother." Arthur growled. He began the sentence staring Yao daringly in the face, but by the end of it, he was looking off to the side nervously.

Yao shrugged. I listened intently, setting my fork down at the side of the plate and chewing slowly.

"Your girlfriend was a whore but she wasn't a savage, and I'm sure she cooked better than you can. Hell, I bet my seven year old could cook better than you."

_Oh snap._

"Will you stop with the hurtful comments!?" Arthur snapped childishly, his face flushed. "I tried the very best I could! I was all alone, and-"

"And nothing. You were not alone. I've always been here but you were too stupid to ask for my help and now look at him." Yao growled bitterly, scrutinizing me. "He's malnourished and addicted to the internet. That monitor gives him more attention than you do. That's why he misbehaves. You need to pay more attention to him!"

"I-..." Arthur spluttered, taken aback. Tears spilled from h is dark green eyes.

I turned around to look at Yao, and the passion he felt behind his words was evident in his features. His eyes flashed to me briefly again. This was most likely contemplation of saving the next topic he wanted to address for while the two were in private. He saw I wasn't taking offense to anything he'd said and carried on.

"I'm here to tell you that your best isn't good enough. When it isn't, you're supposed to get a friend or family member to help."

"You hate your brothers, you hate your sisters, and your parents are dead. I'm one of your  _only_ friends. I'm all you have right now."

"I-if you were really my friend you wouldn't be trying to break me like this!" Arthur cried, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his worn sweater. When he let his arm fall back down to his side his eyes were even more bloodshot than before.

"No, if I  _weren't_  really your friend then I would sit here and tell you everything you did is right and that there's nothing wrong with anything you do. But I am  _really_  your friend. Sometimes your friends just have to tell you you suck to get your head back on your shoulders straight."

"You suck pretty hard, dad." I chimed in casually, taking my last bite of pancakes. "I told you I loved you the other day and you said " _thanks_ " ."

"What the hell kind of an answer is that?" Yao laughed, genuinely, as if using my words as an escape from the serious air between us. "If your child says ' _I love you_ ' you say ' _I love you too_ '. It's not that hard."

"But what if his room is dirty and he's just trying to buy time from cleaning it?" Arthur said, somewhat jokingly. I couldn't really tell behind all of the tears that were pouring from his eyes. He chuckled softly, so I assumed he wasn't all that sad anymore.

"You still say it, but you also tell him to stop being a dork and to go clean it." Yao said, walking to my dad and wrapping his arms around him. Arthur still cried profusely as he held onto Yao. It was weird to see him sharing a tender moment with someone like that. Since all of my food was gone, I didn't have a reason to be in there anymore other than eavesdropping and I didn't want to do that and have Yao think worse of me than he probably already did. I silently congratulated my dad on getting a friend. As I left the room, I caught a few sentences from their talk that made me choke on my own spit from laughing so hard.

" _Did you use some special Chinese thing or whatever to clean the floors?"_

_"It's just pinesol, dumbass."_

* * *

Walking down the hallway, the uneasy feeling came back into my gut. I stopped to catch my breath. Looking at my bedroom door made me realize how much I didn't want to be in there. I mean, I was fine with the new transformation that occurred just a few minutes ago, but something about it all made me really nervous and scared.

Why did he have to get magically  _so_  much older than me? Why couldn't he have stayed the same or just aged like one or two years? Why  _four_?

I felt that maybe if I wished really hard, I would be the same age as him and the relationship wouldn't be so awkward.

And _then_  I got into a silent argument with myself that the relationship could  _never_ be awkward, because I loved him too much. But eventually, I started shaking from the cold and had to go inside to get under my covers. 

I walked in slowly, the heat of my bedroom washing over my face and making my cheeks pink. I crawled onto my bed and tucked myself under the covers, opening the laptop and seeing the background of the game.

Kiku walked up to me and smiled brightly. He had flower petals entangled in his hair and three butterflies were following him with every step he took. Even though he was older and more intimidating, he looked so cute and happy, like a little black dot running around in a green meadow.

"Hello!" he exclaimed softly, sitting down at the front of the screen and laughing when I sunk further underneath my covers until only my nose up was visible.

"Hey!" I responded with equal enthusiasm, watching him bob up and down, one of the butterflies landing on his shoulder. "You have friends!"

"Yes, I do!" he clapped his hands together, his smile fading when it flew away. He pouted a little, probably not realizing he was doing it, and turned back to me. "I don't think it wants to be my friend anymore."he stated grimly until he realized finally that he was being childish, giggling again.

I gazed longingly at the screen using the mouse to pick some of the flowers and petals from his hair and sat back in resignation. The sun in the game setting over the horizon even though it was morning in the real world.

"I'm not as happy when it's dark outside." he said softly, giving his head one final shake when I'd gotten the foreign bodies out of his mane. "I don't know why, though."

"To be honest, I'm not as happy when it's dark, too. I like mornings." I replied, my blush deepening. The way the orange light stained his cheeks made me squirm. "Plus in the mornings I'm not tired and I have more time to talk to you."

"Yes! I was feeling the same way. I don't like to sleep much anymore."

_If I could just give you one hug, I bet it would make the restlessness go away._

We both stopped talking for a while, looking at each other. I knew he was thinking the same thing I was.


	11. Chapter 11

As I was staring at Alfred, I saw a light in them which held compassion I'd never felt before. I felt small under his gaze despite being much older than him. I saw my puffy red face in the reflection of his glasses and came to the conclusion that I didn't like the feelings he was having for me at that moment, nor did I like the way they made  _me_  feel. I stood and walked back toward the flowers again to break the end the uncomfortable encounter with him.

When I stepped into the pixilated flowers, I instantly stirred a group of butterflies, sending them flying at my face. I didn't have time to process what they were before they came at me, so I flinched and fell backward trying to get away from them.

Alfred laughed sweetly at my misfortune, using the mouse to bring me back to my feet. I felt nervous thinking of that strange look he was giving me a few moments ago, but I was pleasantly surprised to see that he was back to his usual self, a dopey grin plastered onto his face.

"You're so cute." he commented in a tone that made me feel like a child much younger than he. "Kiku. It's such a cute name. Stop being cute it's making me sick."

Alfred then opened up a new tab. I thought he may have been checking his grades, so I kept quiet until he closed the extra window. He suddenly broke into a bright grin which carried a hint of deviousness to it.

"Ah, you're a  _cute_  little  _girl_." he whispered, scrolling through whatever page he was on. I was taken aback by the statement, to say the least.

"What? I'm not a girl." I protested, furrowing my brows. "Why would you think I was?"

"You have a girl's name! No wonder it's so cute." he cooed, making me more flustered and embarrassed with each word. He licked his lips, saying my name over and over again and looking off absently to the side as he did. "Kiku, Kiku," he chanted, never growing tired of it.

"It isn't!" I groaned, sounding more irritated than I actually was. I didn't want to hurt Alfred's feeling somehow because I knew he was just toying with me, but I like my name and I never thought of it as one for females.

"It totally is~ It says right here on this  _name origins_  website." Alfred insisted, reading a bit of the information from the article aloud to me. However, when he finished, I was still very unconvinced. Why would the game designers name me Kiku and make me a male if Kiku isn't a male's name? It just didn't make any sense to me.

"I am a boy." I insisted, sounding rather harsh and aggressive, but Alfred was indifferent to this and kept speaking to me in a teasing tone of voice.

"A  _girly_  boy." he murmured, smirking.

I sighed, no longer wanting to justify Alfred's childish games by reacting to his teasing. Night was falling in the game, anyways, and I was starting to get cold and tired. Alfred noticed this and wrapped me in a blanket that he pulled from the inventory. I thanked him quietly, settling into it and staring up at the pixelated moon, bright and white and making it hard to see the dim glow of the stars that surrounded it.

"I wish we could build houses or something so you didn't have to sleep outside every night." he said wistfully, staring off with an awkward half smile on his face as he did so. I wished I could read his mind whenever he had such a look because I knew he had a billion thoughts running through it. Naturally I'm nosy when he doesn't tell me things like that since he means a lot to me. "You must be tired." he mentioned, smiling softly at me. "You can go to sleep now; I won't bother you anymore."

With a nod I laid my head in my arms, smiling at the warmth the blankets brought me.

My body felt numb because I was so at ease, more exhausted than I'd ever been. Something kept distracting me from falling asleep though. It was Alfred's bedroom window- the one that opened up into his back yard that had a large apple tree and tire swing in it.

It gave me a strange feeling to be lying in a cold field in the middle of the night, while just a few feet away from me was a window with blazing sunlight coming through it. I stared out at his sunlight and longed for the morning to come again in the game. I dreaded when the night came because I always got so drowsy and didn't get to talk with Alfred as long as I would have hoped. I always was plagued with guilt because he stayed up through his exhaustion every night for so long just to talk to me and satisfy my need to see him and to hear his voice.

Alfred frowned suddenly and turned to the window I was staring at, shutting the curtains and snapping me out of my reverie of sun lust.

"You need to sleep." he whispered soothingly, putting the laptop in his lap and draping a blanket over himself until he had a makeshift tent through which I could see nothing but his face.

It was better than the sun I so longed for.

"I miss you when I'm asleep…" I said absently, my eyelids growing heavier at the comfortable darkness that surrounded me and the fact my love was so nearby. In a sense with that golden hair of his he practically  _is_  my sun and the thought of the star in the sky vanished from my mind at the word.. now when I think of a sun, Alfred's face pops into my mind.

Before I knew it Alfred has successfully lulled me to sleep.

______

I sighed; Kiku was really cute when he slept, but at the same time I felt kinda sad. He was practically my only friend for such a long time that whenever he was asleep I felt lonely. I shrugged it off and took the blanket off of my head, setting the laptop carefully on my bedside desk so I wouldn't wake him by shaking the screen.

I stood from my bed and walked over to my closet to put some real clothes on; I bet it would make Kiku happy if I went outside for a couple of hours so that's what I'd planned to do. I could just as easily lie to him and said I went outside without actually doing it, but he trusted me to be honest with him, and I couldn't imagine how guilty I would feel lying to him.

Just in the middle of putting some pants on, my door opened. A face which was not my father's poked in and muttered an apology before quickly shutting the door. By the time I realized it was Yao I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to fall.

I shoved my legs through the pant holes and remained shirtless, too focused on my need to apologize for the uncomfortable situation I'd allowed Yao to walk into to put my shirt on. Trailing out into the hallway, I saw him standing there with a stoic expression, his arms crossed over his chest. I obviously didn't make him feel as awkward as I thought I had. Maybe I was just so used to Kiku getting flustered and embarrassed when I wasn't dressed that I forgot that not everybody was like that.

"I'm sorry." he said, his blank expression turning into one of a half-smile. "I'm just used to walking into my own kids's rooms without knocking. I guess I forgot."

I smiled reassuringly.

"No, it's fine. My dad walks on me all the time, too."

I kept forgetting that Yao had a lot of kids himself. He had a daughter and a son that lived with him, and a few other sons that lived with their mom if I wasn't mistaken. I always wondered why one parent didn't just get custody of all the children, but it wasn't my place to ask. Before I stopped going to school, I had a class with his daughter, which I didn't know at the time because I'd only just met Yao. She was pretty nice... I tried to remember her name when Yao interrupted my thoughts with an invitation.

"I was going to ask you if you wanted to come to the gym with me." he said. "I haven't been in a while. Xiao Mei has been using my membership all for herself."

Oh, that was her name. Pretty.

"We could both use some exercise, don't you think?" he went on. I loved the way he talked. He sounded so comfortable and friendly to me. "But I understand if you don't want to go somewhere with me. I'm still a stranger to you. I would have liked to have met you a long time ago." he was really sincere, I wasn't used to being around that sort of person (my dad is a flake). Xiao Mei was the same way as Yao. Looking back on it, there was no mistake that that was his daughter. I wondered if his son was the same. I had never met him since he was a lot younger.

Had I even ever been to a gym? I bet it would keep Kiku off my back if I got a little muscle and just by the tone of Yao's voice I knew he really wanted me to go with him. He was always talking to my dad about how scrawny and malnourished I was for a boy of my age.

"Okay. Just put a shirt on and we'll go." he declared happily, patting my shoulder and walking down the hall to wait for me in the living room.

I was giddy with anticipation of going to a gym for the first time. I dove back into my room and threw on a red t-shirt before I found myself staring at the opened door again, thinking about how cool it would probably be. I could just imagine all the sweaty buff guys and the cool exercise equipment and whatnot; I had always enjoyed the idea of an athletic atmosphere but I was too obsessed with the internet to ever actually be in one.

I made sure the battery was plugged into my computer before I ran out into the living room to meet with Yao. He was wearing a pair of my dad's sweatpants and a white tank top, so I contemplated my decision of jeans and a red t shirt. Yao just laughed and swung a bag over his shoulder, which I assumed was for sports stuff and walked over to the front door, holding it open for me. His arm made a bridge and I walked underneath it, glancing back at my dad who was standing in the living room with a dopey looked on his face and a glazed look in his eyes. He waved absently at me. I turned back around and cringed at the sunlight, jumping backward and bumping into Yao, who put his arms on my shoulders to keep me upright as he laughed.

"I should have a pair of shorts for you at the gym." he said between his chuckles. "I don't know if mine will fit you, but Xiao Mei's will. You two are about the same size." I flushed with embarrassment at the realization that I had the same physique as a thirteen year old girl.

We waved to my dad one last time before he shut the door behind us. We lived in a small town at the time so there wasn't much excitement or distance between places and we pretty much walked everywhere, but it was still really pretty and evidently made for people of a wealthier class; big neighborhoods with precisely cut grass and bushes styled to look like butterflies, all of the fanciest restaurants in every shopping complex, and outrageous prices on everything no matter what it was. People here didn't even bat an eyelash at a twenty dollar loaf of french bread. That place was for people like Yao, who could afford a gym membership for three people indefinitely and always wore the fanciest clothes and presented himself in such a way that made him seem like a businessman no matter what he was going to do or where he was going to do it. It made me wonder what Arthur and I were doing there. He was just some british street rat, after all.

Yao, on the other hand, was definitely rich; I could tell by the scent of the cologne he was wearing and the way he walked with his chin sorta pointed upward, carrying his bag carelessly even though it must have cost a small fortune (probably because if he dropped it, he could buy a new one no problem). He also had this weird gold chain he never took off with some kanji characters on it. The word look awfully familiar; something I might have seen on the game several times, but I didn't want to make any assumptions about what it meant and make myself look stupid. I never did ask him what it meant...

His hair was really long, too, like he'd actually never cut it before, and tied back into a neat and gelled down pony tail every time I saw him. It was then, as I studied his features, that I realized he was not only wearing my dad's sweatpants, but his tank top as well, and Yao's fancy smelling cologne was masked by the smell of my dad; cigars and tea. I didn't know enough about their relationship at the time to make the conclusion that they weren't just in my dad's room  _talking_  to each other all morning, so I just thought they were really good friends and that it was normal to wind up in your friend's clothes after being in their room for two hours. After all, I didn't have much experience with friends myself. Kiku's clothes would have probably been too big on me though...

I was so tempted to ask if I could go over to his house after we were done at the gym so I could see the mansion he most likely owned, and see Xiao Mei again and meet Yao's youngest son for the first time, but decided if he wanted me over there he would invite me eventually and that it would be weird if I asked.

My face flushed when I realized he was holding my hand as we walked across the street, like I was a little kid. I rolled by eyes and stared down at the ground as we walked, wondering if he did this with his own kids. My curiosity about him was growing stronger and stronger the more time I spent with him. His grip on my hand loosened when we were back on the side walk and I quickly recoiled it and let it back at my side.

We finally arrived at the gym. I stopped for a moment while we were in front of it to gawk at how amazing it was.

There were palm trees on the sides of the building, with stone pathways that led into two tennis courts, a pool, a hot tub, and a sauna in the back of it. The front doors were automatic and the glass was so shiny that the sunlight bounced off of it and blinded me worse than I already was. When we got inside, I saw that the ceiling was really high up and the whole front lobby was colored with browns and tans and the like and a front desk where they sold all these fancy types of drinks.

Yao signed a paper and led me into the locker room which had the same color scheme to it as the lobby did, but also really,  _really_  soft carpets, and rows of lockers that were so shiny they looked like they were made out of gold. In the back there were a couple of showers, some toilets, and  _another_  hot tub. Who put a hot tub in a locker room? Rich ass people, that's who.

Yao stood at one of the lockers in the back and while he was gone I took the opportunity to lay on the floor and admire the soft carpets up close. I felt dumb and like a little kid rolling around like that but that carpet was more comfortable than my bed was.

When Yao came back with a pair of sorts and another tank top for me in hand, he just sorta looked at me like I was dead to him and told me to get off of the floor.

"Thank you." I said to him as I took the clothes gratefully and started changing. He just nodded and smiled, walking toward the door with a red and yellow tennis racket.

"I'll be outside at the tennis courts for a couple of minutes. Why don't you go upstairs and try out the treadmill? It'll give you some calf muscles so I can't snap your legs in half so easily." he said playfully, winking before he left the room. When the door shut behind him it echoed because the room was so damn big.

I had never been on a treadmill before so I changed as quickly as I could and suppressed my urge to just jump in the hot tub in the back, running out of the locker room and straight up the stairs like he'd told me to.

I stood before four rows of treadmills, only about three being occupied, and a flat screen television in front of them that had a soccer game on it. I stepped on the one nearest to the tv and stood there for like ten minutes just trying to figure out how it worked before a lady came up behind me and laughed.

"You press however many minutes you want to be running here," she said sweetly, pressing the time for fifteen minutes. "… and you put the speed you'd prefer here." she punched in some kind of number and pressed a big green button at the top of the button pad that set the thing going at a snail's pace. She pat me on the back and went back to her own station, leaving me bored out of my wits just walking at the pace of a legless ninety year old.

I watched the screen for a minute or two before I looked back down at the button pad in frustration, trying to remember where the woman had said the place to set your speed was. I pressed the button that looked the coolest and nearly gave myself an aneurysm when the treadmill just elevated three feet from the ground as I held onto the handrails at the sides for my dear life. I could hear chuckles coming from the people behind me and got kinda angry, blushing from my frustration.

I looked back at the keypad and examined it closely before I found the correct button.

It was a scale of one to ten, and a few buttons next to it that said " _Beginners_ " and " _Experts_ ".

"How hard can running possibly be?" I mumbled to myself, hitting the button that said " _Experts_ " with a new lease on life. Maybe I could be the best runner in the whole gym and everyone would know me for it!

I was horribly wrong.

The speed was insane. I tried so hard to keep up that at one point my legs went numb and I was hyperventilating hanging onto the handrails. I lifted myself up from the breakneck movement below and felt like someone had poured five gallons of sweat over me.

I took a deep breath and stepped back onto the treadmill, running as fast as I could for as long as I could. I started to get the hang of it and smiled brightly, feeling so confident in my speed that I looked back up to the screen and watched the soccer game for a while.

A really loud buzzing sound cam. I got thrown off my balance on the machine. My leg twisted the wrong way and I hit my head against the treadmill, screeching from the pain. Before I passed out, I felt the woman from before put her arms around me.

She was screaming for someone to call an ambulance.


	12. Chapter 12

I woke up in the emergency room with Yao and Arthur at my right side. Yao was running his fingers across my forehead and my dad was holding my hand. I could tell by the looks on their faces that I was pretty beat up, but I didn't want to look down or anything for fear I'd be horribly disfigured. The memory of what happened at the gym had never left my mind, even in the delirious state I was in at the moment.

"How are you feeling, love?" dad asked gently, tightening his grip on my hand just a little bit and smiling sympathetically.

I was really loopy. They probably gave me a bunch of medicine to take my mind off of the pain. I couldn't think straight and I tried to focus on my dad's face, but it was detached from his body and floating around the room. I closed my eyes, not wanting to follow it.

"Am I broken?" I spluttered, sounding like baby who'd just learned to talk. Yao sighed.

"I am so sorry this happened. I left him alone."

"It's fine. You didn't know how clumsy he was. It's not your fault."

I felt Yao's hand break away from my head and he stepped outside of the room. I opened my eyes just a little bit to see what he was doing, and from what was visible out of the tiny square window on the top of the door, he looked like he was praying. My gaze flicked to dad's face, and I was pleased to see his head was back on his shoulders again. He looked worried for Yao.

"Y _ou're_ not broken." he began softly, looking back at me and wrapping his arms around me tightly, giving me a kiss on my head. It was then that I realized I had stitches on my forehead from when I'd hit the button pad on the tread mill. "Your leg is broken. Don't worry though, 'cause the doctor says it should be okay in a few months. " he ran his fingers through my hair and kissed me on my nose, which also had a bandage over it. My lips quivered as I imagined what kind of state my leg could possibly be in. I remembered it bending the wrong way. It was so terrifying for me that that was the reason I had fainted. I held onto my dad tightly, resisting the urge to cry as I gathered the courage to look down at it.

Nothing was too out of the ordinary like I had thought. I sighed in relief and wiggled about in my dad's grasp. He let go of me and moved out of the way until I saw the end of my leg, which was covered in a hard white cast. I ran my fingers across it which upset the IV that was sticking out of my arm and my dad put my hand back in my lap where it had been.

"Be careful, Alfie. It'll really hurt if you yank one of those out." Dad warned me, rubbing circles into my back and looking down at the cast with a pained look in his eyes. I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut when the room started spinning again.

Within a few minutes, Yao stepped back into the room with a grim expression on his face, clearly still at odds with himself.

"Do you need more medication to help with the pain, Alfred?" he asked gently, sitting down beside dad. Dad wrapped an arm around him.

" **NO**." I exhaled deeply and waved my arms around, somehow forgetting my dad's warning he said like twelve seconds earlier about the IV, and sure enough, one of the tubes popped out of my arm. I couldn't feel it, but I could see there was a dark purple bruise where it had been and a little speck of blood where the skin was broken. Dad sighed, begrudgingly prying his arm away from Yao and asked him to go get a nurse. Yao obliged and came back with a couple of nurses who tended to my arms.

"Maybe we misjudged Alfred's tolerance to the morphine." one of the men whispered to my dad, wrapping my arm up in a cloth-like thing, making me squirm when he put pressure to it to stop the bleeding.

He started chattering with my dad for like an hour and during that time I tried to gather what had happened at the gym. The last thing I remembered was my leg twisting the wrong way and fainting.

Not a very good first outing with Yao, I decided.

"Alright gentlemen you're free to go home." The nurse said, handing my dad a brown paper bag full of pain medication and motioning toward a wheel chair near the door. I averted my gaze to Yao, who was pushing it toward me. For some reason, this filled me with anger and I snarled at the wheel chair.

"I don't  _want_  to be in that." I stated, crossing my bandaged arms. Yao laughed in response and put me in the wheel chair against my will.

I covered my eyes with my hands and started crying. Being high isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Yao just ruffled my hair and started pushing me out of the room, my dad struggling to keep up with his pace and draping his jacket over my head when I tugged on it; I didn't want anyone to see me crying for no reason.

It felt like two seconds before Yao was lifting me into the back seat of the car and Arthur was on the other side buckling me up. I starting kicking my good leg against the passenger's seat in protest and my crying turned into flat out whining.

They just let me go crazy in the back seat the whole way home, biting at my seat belt and playing with my dad's hair. I think I even tried to throw my glasses out of the window. I have no idea why I was being so brat but I couldn't help myself. I just wanted to scream and cry and complain.

"Be a good boy, Alfred and don't move." Dad said to me as he put me into my bed. The medicine was finally starting to wear off and my head was pounding so I was in too much pain to throw a fit.

He wrapped the blankets around me tightly and kissed my forehead before he turned off my light and left the room. I assumed he wanted me to sleep so I rolled over and closed my eyes only to be woken up by Kiku tapping against the laptop screen that was on my bedside table.

"Alfred?" he asked, sleep still in his slurred speech. I sat up slowly and turned to him, smiling softly.

"Kiku!" I cried happily. Tears really came into my eyes. I was still pretty high.

The sun was already up in the game and judging by the way the blankets I'd given him that night were scattered across the meadow, he wasn't cold anymore. I brought the laptop into my lap and winced a little when it hit the thigh of my bad leg. This didn't go unnoticed by Kiku.

"What's wrong?" he asked immediately, raising a brow at me and pressing his face against the screen to try and see into my lap. When he saw nothing was wrong he backed away, defeated that the supposed problem was out of his range of vision. "Wh-why are you crying? It's just me. You seem me everyday, Alfred-chan." his features softened and he looked at me with concern in his soft brown eyes. He spoke to me like I was a baby, just like everyone else had been doing ever since I woke up. "Please tell me what's wrong, Alfred-chan."

I knew if I told him what happened he would freak out;  _You need to be more careful! Why wasn't your father watching you? YOU COULD HAVE DIED, ALFRED._ So, I decided not to tell him. His possible nagging combined with my headache and the throbbing in my sore muscles would be too much to handle. Besides, I was going to heal in about two or three months anyways. It wasn't like I was terminal, so why did I have to tell him something that was just gonna upset him?

"I just had a cramp." I spat unconvincingly, the muscle spasm in my bound leg making me grimace because it was so uncomfortable. He gasped lightly when it happened, looking like he was so worried he'd puke.

" _Please_  tell me what's wrong." he asked, his voice demanding all of a sudden. The sweetness in the tone he was using earlier was gone. I was scared by this sudden change, feeling myself about to cry again. He saw the horror in my eyes and brought his hands to his chest, biting nervously at his lip.

"Oh, Alfred-chan please… don't cry. I didn't mean to be mean to you. I'm just worried." he insisted. "You look like you're in pain and you usually don't cry over things like this… I'm confused."

I wiped my tears with the edge of my blanket and looked at him with a blank expression. He looked so confused. I almost laughed, but that would make it seem like I was having violent mood swings and freak him out more than he already was. I moved the laptop and pointed the cam toward my leg, pulling the blanket from my cast so he could see it. His eyes widened in shock.

"What _happened_  to you?" he asked, in a horrified awe.

"I just broke my leg a little bit." I squeaked, tears welling up in my eyes again. I was getting really sick of crying for no reason. I had no control over my emotions that day whatsoever.

"I am sure that you cannot break your leg " _a little bit_ "! How did that happen!? Where were you while I was—Alfred, you could have-"

"I know I know I could have died." I finished for him in a mock tone, earning myself a stern look and something of a finger wag in my face.

"What would happen if something serious had occurred and I can't be there to know!?"

Great.

Another complication in our relationship to add to the list.

I shrugged my shoulders for lack of knowledge, but it didn't calm him down at all. In fact he looked enraged and against my will, I started bawling again, only a tiny fraction of him being visible behind my swollen eyeballs and the wall of tears

"What's wrong? Why do you keep crying like this!?"

"I… don't… know." I spat between sobs, wiping my eyes and dripping snot all over my poor blanket. I closed my eyes in a hopeless effort to fight back the tears, but when I opened them, Kiku was crying too.

" _ **I would never know**_." He began, his legs shaking and his hands balling into fists. "You could  _die_  and I could spend  _forever wondering why you left me_  without knowing that you didn't. I'd be in this game forever waiting for you to come back without knowing that you never would. I'd feel betrayed and bitter at the thought of you. Why would you leave? Did you finally realize I'm nothing but…"

"B-but I wouldn't _know_ that you'd died because I'm just… I'm just…."

He paused, looking down at his hands. He looked absolutely broken inside.

I could hear his heart breaking into pieces and see the tears that were to come.

"I'm nothing. You're my only purpose, Alfred. You give me meaning… without you I really am nothing but pixels and ones and zero's and programming and – a-and  _defective software_ that can think for himself that doesn't belong. I am a  _mistake_. I'm not supposed to be like this."

He dug his nails into the sides of his head and fell to his knees.

"K-K-" I stammered, trying to reassure him that he was going to be okay.

I'd never seen him in such agony. It was all because of me that he felt that way… it was all my fault that the one I love most drove himself crazy night and day just yearning to be with me. It was my fault for refusing to realize the complications of a romance with him and forcing him into it in the first place even though he knew it was a bad idea and would only cause us both pain, and right then I was starting to see it, too.

This outburst wasn't just because of my broken leg. It was something he'd been thinking about for a long time but tried to ignore so we'd both be happy. He'd been putting on a show for me that whole time just so I wouldn't have to worry about him. I don't think I've ever had someone care so much about me and I didn't know why.

I was just some scrawny teenager with an obsession for the internet and computer games, and sat alone my whole childhood drawing comic books and dreaming up these extraordinary beings who took the place of real friends. I had a shit family life and was too much for my poor dad to handle. I was spoiled, selfish, and lazy and all I ever thought about was my comic book characters and how much I wished my dad was a better person when in reality he was just doing the best he could. I didn't know how much he cared, just because he was bad at showing it.

When Kiku came along he just took my mind off of all of that. Off of my dad, off of comic books, about myself. But he never had anything like me. He was just a game character who always felt alone because he didn't even have a chance to have a family life. He looked at me like I was his savior and worshiped the very ground I walked on and loved me unconditionally and all I ever gave him in return was worry and many a sleepless night.

Pain.

I was causing this poor person more pain than anything else.

For a second, I contemplated letting him go to end the suffering I put him through.

"I n-need to know what you're th-thinking..." I whispered. He looked at me, smiling despite the tears in his eyes. He didn't answer me.


	13. Chapter 13

"Why don't you answer me?" I asked, my voice as steady as I could possibly make it as I tried to ignore the feeling of my vocal chords being ripped out of my chest and strummed by Alfred's actions. I wiped my eyes and stopped my tears for long enough to look him in the eyes. What was he thinking? I hated not being able to read him like I normally could. The closer we got to each other, the harder it was for me to understand his feelings because I realized that he's a much more complex individual than I'd originally thought and can't be read like a book and understood as easily as words could be understood. 

He said nothing for a long while, just laying in his bed and staring at something behind me aimlessly.

I waited a long while for him to say something, _anything_.

The silence consumed the both of us, and while the sound of his heart beating in unison with mine would have been comforting on any other occasion, this time, I just couldn't allow myself to be relaxed by it. I knew it my gut that something bad was coming. I had to keep my guard up.

"I'm thinking I don't want to drag you along like this anymore." he finally whispered.

"Drag me along?" I whispered to myself in Japanese, shaking my head, my eyes wide. Was this it? The bad thing I had been waiting for, the thing that ended the silence between us and possibly ended _everything_ forever? 

He was…giving up on me? What else could he have meant by saying that he didn't want to drag me along anymore... he certainly wasn't dragging me anywhere, so there had to be a deeper meaning behind his words. Leaving me for good was the only theory I had that made any sense at the moment. Did he think he was inconveniencing me somehow? No, that's ridiculous what better did I have to do? Have small talk with the faceless beings and watch the people in the nearby village go about their tasks the same exact way every day?

I did try to talk to one of the townspeople once, but their dialogue began to repeat and I gave up on  _that_ conversation.

"Are you… breaking up with me?" I asked, the ringing in my ears making it difficult to hear what I'd just said. It couldn't be true. He couldn't be doing that to me; never in a million years would Alfred Kirkland ever bring me any harm. He was the only person I could trust with my total safety and he cared about me more than I'd ever experienced before.

But I doubted my confidence in those thoughts because I asked the question. Something compelled me to, which meant that deep down inside, I had my doubts.

And then there was the question of why I was so stunned by this notion. I felt it coming. I had unconsciously been preparing myself for it our entire time knowing each other. I went into this relationship knowing it had an expiration date. But still, I was so shocked.

"Calm down." he said suddenly, which made me notice I was shaking. He remained composed and collected despite this. It was my worst nightmare realized; I couldn't see any concern in those vibrant blue eyes. I couldn't see any warmth on his lips and I couldn't hear the gentle beating of his heart… even with a screen between us I could only detect his coldness.

His stoic expression was driving me insane. Aren't I supposed to be the one who lacks emotion? It's like waking one morning to see everything flipped upside down or… it just wasn't natural…

"I'm not leaving you."

"But you're breaking up with me and that's just as bad." I murmured sadly, stepping away from the screen and shielding my eyes. 

"I'm not breaking up with you."

"Then why are you being so--"I choked out, clutching my throat, the dryness of it making me sting. There was a tingling sensation flowing through my limbs that made me numb within seconds. I looked up at Alfred and finally saw the concern I so yearned for, like a weight being lifted from my shoulders. I looked up and made eye contact with him, finding myself searching for any hint of emotion they could harbor.

" I'm just telling you how I feel… I'm dragging you along-"

"No you're being ridiculous and you're trying to scare me and you're trying to kill me off because you don't love me anymore." I spat out in one long breath, unable to stop panting because the feeling of my world crashing down around me was too breath-taking. I just wanted to go back to the previous night and be under that makeshift tent with Alfred as he sung to me… if I could hear him sing to me I would have surely calmed myself. 

Looking back on it, of course I was  _exaggerating_  Alfred's lack of care for me, but at the time it was worse than any nightmare or any size of a mob of noberu that the game could throw at me and I genuinely thought he could have made the decision to throw me away and it made me feel helpless. Should Alfred had decided to toss my game and never think about my game again I could do nothing to stop him and I would be all alone in that chip feeling broken inside.

It made me doubt the significance of my recurring dreams about being a human and having a family with a father and a mother and siblings and doubt the feeling of real sunlight and a real authentic breeze flowing through my hair. The idea of being human… it was so desirable to me. If I would have been human then I could be with Alfred and that was all I wanted. If having had a family meant that I could be a human and be with Alfred then I would do anything in my power to make it happen!

But Alfred was questioning his feelings for me and it made me wonder just how real that life I kept dreaming about was.

"Why would you ever think I didn't love you!? I love you so much I'm willing to let you go."

"AM I SUPPOSED TO BE THANKFUL FOR THAT? If you truly loved me you wouldn't ever even for one moment consider letting me go! You have such a strange delusion of love! If you let me go you'll prove just the opposite of what you say! You'll make me feel like you hate me and that you felt no love for me in the first place!" I screamed, clenching my teeth together tightly to stop myself from saying anything I would regret. I said what was necessary and I hoped to everything that my message had gotten through to him.

"It's so frustrating though! I'm driving you crazy!" finally I could see the emotion he was plagued with. He took off his glasses and buried his face into his hands, tears streaming down his wrists and arms as he trembled.

I paused. I was practically an adult then, and I was making Alfred cry. I was being a child. I was letting my emotions control me and I was taking them all out on Alfred, who didn't deserve that in the least. He's already so emotional himself, he needs someone that will help keep them under control. I did for a while, but my childish fears on abandonment slowly overcame me until I'd forgotten how to be strong for him. 

"I don't have any sanity to lose, Alfred-chan. I'm just a character." I said, no longer yelling. I made my voice softer to let him know that the hostility between us wasn't there anymore. I watched as he looked up from his hands and rubbed some of his tears away, smiling sheepishly at me behind them. 

" But you do!" he protested, his tone soft and apprehensive, as though he was worried I'd start yelling again.  "You're a real person, Kiku. What about you dreams and the feelings you had in them. They surpass what you can experience in the game. They are real memories that you have from when you were a human." 

"There is no record that I ever existed in your world as a real person." I began, trying to sound as authoritative as I could without scaring him. I had deceived him to believe my stories I'd told him. They weren't real. It wasn't possible. I had to get him to understand that I was just exaggerating and that dreams don't have meanings like that... that I probably created this whole back story of mine to fill the empty in my chest. What I failed to realize is that Alfred could fill that space for me. I didn't need to be a human to feel his love for me because it was so strong. That was enough for me. "I only feel real because of  _you_  and  _your_  love, Alfred."

"But what about your dreams? What about that boy in the pond? If you're so pointless as you say you are then why are we able to be together in your dreams and how could you have just created this whole back story if you've never been to a beach or swam in a pond? I  _saw_ how scared you were when you saw that kid, Kiku, there's no way you could fake that kind of fear. I have felt you, and I have seen you and you're just real okay!? I have never doubted that you're a person ever since that day so why are you?"

"You're a child, Alfred, it's simple for you to believe such a preposterous thing." I stated somewhat coldly. It wasn't like I didn't appreciate how passionate he was about my cause, but I had deceived him. I had to set him straight. There was no way any of that could be real. 

"Look, just because your body aged doesn't mean your mind did. You're not that much older than me still!" Alfred truly believed it. What was previously a blank page was now overflowing with words and I could read them all. "Your dreams are just as real as I am! There's no logical reason as to why you'd make that up or how you could! **_You're a human!_** "

I closed my mouth and let his words sink in, tears streaming down my face. I didn't know what I should believe anymore, but if Alfred believed it, maybe I should, too.

"I never want to hear you say you're just a program again. If you say that I don't love you anymore I'll put you in a frilly pink kimono and make you walk around through that village in it." He began saying, opening up a new window on his computer and scrolling through pages, typing rapidly. I wished he were wearing his glasses so I could see the reflection of what he was looking at. "If you ever think I'm gonna leave you, I'll bring this laptop in the bathroom with me when I shower-"

"How is that a punishment?"

Alfred's cheeks turned red and immediately stared off to the side, his lip quivering. 

Once he'd calmed himself down again, he started typing more quickly than ever. Silence came and went and we chatted occasionally, but he would not tell me what he was looking at.

My mind drifted back to those dreams I was having, and I remembered the one I had while Alfred was gone breaking his leg like a… hooligan.

"What are you thinking." he asked that dreaded question, minimizing the screen he was on. I had nothing I wanted to share verbally, but it was clear he wasn't going to give up because he had that look on his face.

"I-I'm considering … and there's something I need to-… never mind."

"Don't say never mind! Tell me!" he was so irritated that he rolled his eyes and threw his head back against his bed, crossing his arms and tapping his fingertips against his elbow as he waited for me to elaborate and share what I tried to keep.

"I had another dream."

"I want to hear everything. Don't ever keep things from me again."

_No thank you I'd prefer to keep this to myself._

"Does everyone in America always share everything with their significant other?"

"Yes. Everything. Tell me what you dreamt of."

_____

It probably took a solid thirty minutes before I realized I was back in the forest I was in before.

I stood among the dark trees that seemed to fall limp and downward like spikes on the ground, and it was hard to step past the because there were so many I could smell nothing but damp foliage, although I don't know for sure that the scent coming by me was what I described it to be, because I'd never smelled a damp forest before.

I tromped through the dead trees for a few minutes before a path appeared and led me to that same pond from months before. I was so hesitant on entering the circle with the pond, but I gathered my courage and walked over there, in the back of my mind hoping that Alfred had decided to take a nap and was coming to my company. I looked down, but all I saw was my reflection.

I wiped the sweat from my forehead and sat down in front of the pond, feeling light headed even though I was relieved that there were indeed no corpses in this tiny body of water. The water was warm, and I stuck my hands into it and waved them around until some fish were stirred from the bottom of the trench and came to meet me. With a smile I muttered absently to the fish and tried to pick one up.

I laid my head back onto the forest floor and stared up at the canopy of trees above, seeing birds perched up on the high branches and a sloth sleeping on one of the trees. I wondered why I was there if the dream had nothing to reveal to me, but halfway through that, I heard a crashing noise and shot up from my spot ready to defend myself from whatever caused it.

All I saw was a path that wasn't there before. I stood up and walked through it with my guard still up.

As I traveled through the damp and humid string of trees and ducked over protruding branches, swatting away insects wanting to eat my skin and blood, I started to see the forest fade away. Not the sort of virtual fading I was used to, either. I quickened my pace and before long there were only one or two trees in my sight.

I stopped when I saw a large gate in front of me and woke up.

\-----

"See? How would you know what a graveyard is if you haven't seen one before? There isn't one in the game." I said once he'd told me the story. Obviously it was a graveyard because of the way he described it. "The game doesn't have any animals in it either." I added. "How would you know what animals are like if you're haven't seen them? Next time you sleep, I'll sleep with you so I'll see it for myself."

Kiku wandered off after a while to digest the information. I was too enamored with my new mission to worry about him. So Kiku found it so hard to believe that he was a real human? I could prove it to him.

I believed with everything I had in me that he was human, so I started a search to find a birth record for a Kiku Honda. I mean, how hard could it have been to find a Kiku that was a boy with the last name of a car company that died as a toddler?

But then something disturbing occurred to me; was my game seriously based off of a dead kid?

I went through my internet history and abandoned my search of a birth record momentarily to go back to the fansite for the gaming company. When I saw the page I scrolled over to the list of games and looked under "c" for Chrysanthemum Crusade, but for some reason, it wasn't there.

I shrugged at that 'cause they do Site Updates pretty frequently and CC was made a while back, so I went and punched the name into google.

_No match found for Chrysanthemum Crusade_


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not apart of the original draft of software on fanfiction.net * v *

I was laying on the couch with my head in dad's lap, relaxing my eyes after spending such a long time staring at my computer screen, trying to find any proof that Chrysanthemum Crusade was a real game, but I didn't find anything on it. I wanted to study the box that the game had come in, but I threw that away a long time ago. I even asked dad what website it was exactly that he'd purchased the game from, but he said he didn't remember. 

Dad sipped at his tea. The strong smell of his earl grey was quickly coming to replace the smell of cigars that was usually embedded in his skin. I decided I liked the smell of his tea much better than any thing else. I yawned and stretched out my arms and legs before I curled up in his lap, closing my eyes lightly. I heard the clank of his tea cup on the tiny saucer it came with, and within a few moments his hand was on my head, stroking my hair. 

He and Yao were talking about something that I was half interested in. Yao was telling Dad how he was being forced to retire early thanks to how exceptional he was in his work, and dad joked that Yao was costing them way too much money to keep employed anyways and that he wasn't surprised that they were urging him to leave the company. Yao was their highest paid employee, apparently. 

"I guess I wouldn't mind retiring. I could spend more time with my kids." Yao said, sipping his tea as well. It wasn't earl grey, though- I think it was oolong. He didn't like english teas. I heard the clanking of him setting his cup down in unison with my dad's and laughed slightly. "But it makes me feel so old." he added, sounding like he was whining. 

"You are old, Yao." Dad teased, directing his attention to me for a moment. I looked up at him with sleep in my eyes and he smiled warmly, taking his jacket and draping it over me like a blanket. He went back to running his fingers through my hair and I nuzzled against his torso, feeling more tired than I was before. I had to wait for Kiku until I could go to sleep, though. I didn't think I was going to stay in the living room this long; I told him I'd just be a minute. But the warm, inviting scent of tea in the air and sound of my dad's voice was lulling to me sleep. I wouldn't sleep, of course, because my desire to see the graveyard in Kiku's dream would surely keep me awake. But I wouldn't be able to get up and go back to my room either. Maybe dad would carry me if I pretended to be asleep... "We'll miss you in the office though." dad murmured somewhat quietly. I cracked an eye open to see him. In the dull light of the living room, it looked like he was blushing. That couldn't have been right though. Dads don't blush. 

"Yeah. You better. I'm a joy to be around." Yao said childishly. I craned my neck around to see him smirking. His face was kind of pink, too. I reasoned that it was because the tea was hot and that they couldn't possibly be blushing and having feelings because they were way too old for that. Yao saw that I was awake and looked at me, the smirk dissipating from his pink face. I felt as though my plan had been foiled now that he knew I was up. They wouldn't carry me to my room now... "Hi there." he began, sounding much sweeter now that he was talking to me. " Want to try some of my tea? It will help you sleep." 

"No, I don't need to sleep yet." I thought to myself. It was still daylight in the game! Kiku wouldn't be able to sleep either and then I wouldn't get to be in his dream with him. 

"Alfred likes my tea better." Arthur playfully spat at Yao, pulling me up to sit in his lap. I shook my head. 

"I don't want any tea right now." my voice was hoarse. I was really, really tired, but I had to stay awake. And I had to make sure I didn't drink any tea. I always fall asleep as soon as I have some, the taste of it is way too nostalgic for me. It reminds me of when I was a really, really little kid and my dad would give me non-caffeinated teas before bed. 

"Aw, listen to you. You're tired." dad cooed. Yao nodded at what dad said, his brows furrowed like he was looking at something really cute. I wasn't cute though- I was manly and threatening. "Want some chamomile?" 

No, not chamomile.

"No... can I have green tea?" I asked. If they were going to make me drink tea with them, I wanted something that would wake me up, not put me to sleep. 

"It's too late for green tea. I'll go make some chamomile tea." Yao said, standing from his spot on the sofa opposite ours and walking into the kitchen. I sighed, rubbing my eyes. Dad held me tightly, his coat still wrapped around me. I laid against him, trying my hardest to keep my eyes open. I was already so tired that if I closed them for even a moment, I knew I would be out. Just as I was starting to feel myself wake up a little bit, dad started rubbing circles into my back, and I was drowsy all over again. 

He was silent for a few moments, just holding me and rubbing my back. We heard the tea kettle whistle, and the clanking of a new tea cup that was destined to bring me to my doom could be heard from the kitchen as well. 

"Do you like Yao, Alfred?" dad asked all of a sudden, distracting me from the taunting calls of my inevitable downfall. I was taken aback by the question, and the tone of voice that dad used as he asked it, like he really, really wanted me to say I liked Yao. I wondered why. 

"I like him a lot." I whispered, looking up into my dad's eyes. There was a weird look in them whenever he talked about Yao, something like adoration. I just thought they were really, really good friends. "He smells nice and takes me places with him." 

Dad chuckled, smiling and nodding like he was excited. 

"Yes, he does smell nice. Do you like spending time with him?" 

It was weird that dad was asking me all of these questions about Yao, but I humored him anyways and didn't allow my bewilderment to be detected. 

"Yes, I do. He's fun. He tells me embarrassing stuff you do at work, too." 

Dad's skin flushed and he frowned at this information. Yao came back into the room carrying my tea cup and set it down on the coffee table in between the two sofas. He looked up at me with a smile, though it turned into more of a smirk when he caught sight of my blushing dad. He handed my tea cup to me and I begrudgingly took it from him, staring at the pale yellow liquid inside that wanted nothing more than to tear me apart from Kiku. Stupid tea. 

I sipped at it, my eyelids fluttering at the sweet taste of the honey combined with the fresh taste of the daisies that were mixed in with the tea leaves. 

"Your dad has to work tomorrow." Yao began, sitting beside us on the same sofa this time instead of one the one across from us. "I was wondering if you wanted to stay with me at my house for the day."

"Yes." I didn't hesitate. I had been waiting for this invitation! I would finally get to see what his house looked like and see his kids again! Plus, Yao was so good at cooking. If I stayed at his house for any period of time I was sure to be rewarded with food. My mouth watered at the thought and I sipped at my tea again before I spoke. "I'd really like to." 

For some reason, my response made my dad beam. He looked so happy, his gaze meeting Yao's. Their faces were really close together for a few moments. They got closer and closer before they both laughed and pulled away from each other. 

"Okay. I'll just stay here tonight and we can go in the morning after your dad leaves for work." Yao declared. My dad smiled and nodded in agreement to this. 

The three of us sat in the living room for a few more minutes. I finished off my tea and allowed myself to close my eyes. I nuzzled against my dad's neck, and before I knew it, I was asleep. The last thing I remember was his arms wrapping around me and him standing. I guess he took me to my bedroom. 

\----

I was sitting alone in the meadow in the game, waiting for Alfred to return. He had been seriously researching something that he wouldn't tell me about. I could see the black bags underneath his eyes when he told me he was going to go and take a break for a couple of minutes. 

I didn't expect him to be gone for so long, but I didn't allow myself to feel upset about it. Alfred needed rest. I sat idly in the game and awaited his return. 

Within an hour or so, I heard footsteps coming down the hallway and Alfred's father appeared in the room, carrying his sleeping frame. Another man came in behind him, and they sat at either side of Alfred's bed, laying him inside of it and tucking the blankets securely around him. He rolled over in his sleep until he was laying on his stomach. I couldn't help but laugh as quietly as I could at the sight; he was probably exhausted to have fallen asleep despite the plan he made with me previously to see the graveyard in our dream together. 

I stayed still as I watched the two men tuck him in. I was so uneasy, hoping they wouldn't see me on his desk and try to make conversation with me... that should have been an irrational fear. When one saw a video game character, their first instinct surely shouldn't be to strike a conversation with him. Alfred's father laughed as he spoke to the man across from him and rubbed Alfred's back as he slept. He looked the same as he always did when I saw him; shaggy yellow hair, dark green eyes, pale skin... very, very thick eyebrows. The man beside him, however... I think I'd only seen him once before. Perhaps Alfred had told me about him, too. 

His name was Yao, wasn't it? He had long brown hair and eyes which resembled my own. Him being in the room comforted me in a way which I couldn't understand. He felt so familiar, his voice soothing to my ears. I sighed as I gazed at him, wondering why he was in Alfred's room when suddenly, his eyes trailed off to the side in my direction. He stopped talking, turning to face me with a face that had no expression. He locked eyes with me.

I could hear my heart beating my ears, sweat starting to drip out of my pores and onto my skin beneath the skin tight suit I wore. I wanted to look away- no, run away. Something about this man's stare made me feel like he could see right through me. I sighed again, growing very uncomfortable. Alfred's father looked at the man worriedly and stopped talking. 

"What's wrong?" he asked the other, who stared at me, his eyes growing wider. The man remained silent, standing slowly from the bed, cautious not to wake Alfred. I was gasping for air. 

I felt so nervous as he neared me, I thought I could faint. He sat down at the computer chair, tilting his head to the side as he studied the computer screen. 

"What is this?" he asked, turning to Alfred's father, who smiled at him. 

"That's the game I got Alfred for his birthday. What was it called... Chrysanthemum Crusade?" Arthur began, tapping his chin as he thought about the name of the game. "I ordered it from Japan. He was going through some of phase where he was obsessed with Japanese people, I think." 

"It's weird. I have a bad feeling about it." Yao whispered, looking down at me with his piercing gaze. He reached for the mouse and clicked on my nose. I tried very hard not to sneeze. Video game characters didn't sneeze, did they? I didn't want to bring any more attention to myself than I already had... "I don't know why... maybe it's this character. Something about him isn't right." he went on, clicking my nose again. I shook slightly as I tried to hold my sneezes in. Yao tutted and shook his head. He had a look in his eyes, something like pain... he stared at me for a long while. Arthur didn't dare come near him as he examined my every feature. I felt like he suddenly knew everything about me as he did this. 

"I'm pretty sure it's harmless." Arthur finally said to break the silence. "It's just got puzzles and the like in it... it's a maze game. I think the character is pretty cute." he continued, standing and finally kneeling beside Yao in the computer chair. They both studied me, then. I saw Arthur reach for Yao's free hand and entwine their fingers. "I know he plays it a lot but... I don't think there's any harm in it." 

"Kiku. That's really weird." Yao groaned, shaking his head, still holding onto Arthur's hand. 

"Kiku? Where are you getting that from?" 

"The game is Japanese. Chrysanthemum is Kiku in Japanese. It's a name, too." Yao sighed inwardly, never once breaking his gaze with me. 

"Huh. That is weird... wasn't that your son's name?" 

"Yeah. Maybe that's why I don't like it... I don't know. I don't want to look at it anymore." he squeezed his eyes shut as though he were fighting back tears. He was visibly shivering. Arthur frowned in worry for him and stood, urging Yao to stand with him. He pulled the other into an embrace. They stood like that for a while, every now again looking back at me. Yao had tears in his eyes as he did. 

"He has the same eyes. It's so creepy." Yao complained, burying his face into Arthur's neck. 

"You don't have to look at it anymore, Yao." he stated, taking hold of the laptop screen and pushing it shut. 


	15. Chapter 15

I woke up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee coming in through the air vent above my bed, and the feeling of a hand gently shaking me. I sat up, feeling like I'd been punched in the throat, my eyes sunken in as I stared around the room, unable to see anything since I didn't have my glasses. I heard a hearty chuckle come from the figure beside me as it slipped my glasses onto my face for me. I made the figure out to be my dad in his work uniform.

"I've got to go to work now." he said simply, smiling as he kissed my head. "I'll see you tomorrow, Alfred." 

Tomorrow? Oh, I had forgotten that I was going to be staying the night at Yao's house. I nodded. 

"Okay, bye. " I spluttered, rubbing at my eyes and pushing my glasses up to my forehead. They fell back down when I let my hands fall at my sides. Dad smiled at me and stood from my bed, walking to my doorway. He turned around and reminded me to wear pants and a long sleeved shirt today because it was chilly outside, and told me to hurry up and gather my things because Yao was ready to leave. Apparently he'd been complaining about how cramped up this house made him feel, which excited me. I couldn't wait to see his mansion. I shot up from my bed, my legs burning from being curled up underneath me all night and fell to the floor, grabbing some stray t-shirts and shorts from underneath my bed and scattered all around it to bring with me. 

Then I remembered that I had failed to stay awake last night and meet with Kiku in his dream and the smile fell from my face. I stood up, looking around until I spotted my laptop on my desk and scrambled for it, sitting down in my computer chair and opening it up. 

Kiku wasn't there.

"Kiku?" I called for him. "Hello?" 

He still didn't come. 

I didn't worry about it too much though. Where could he have gone really? Maybe he just went to the village in the game to gather supplies on his own, or decided to take a walk through the meadow. Whatever the case, I closed my laptop and put it into my backpack along with the clothes I'd gathered from the floor. I slipped on my tennis shoes and walked out of my room, into the kitchen where Yao was standing, sipping his coffee. 

He smiled at me. 

"I guess you're ready." he said absently. He moved to dump out the rest of his coffee in the sink, but I went over and stopped him, tugging on his shirt sleeves.

"Wait! Can I have a sip?" I asked. I had always wanted to try coffee, but my dad still held the belief that it stunted your growth. He looked down at me, obviously suprised by the request, but he nodded anyways and handed me the mug. I inhaled the scent coming from it; there was the pumpkin spice creamer in it, making my mouth water. I sipped it and cringed. "Ew-!" I spat; it was so bitter. It probably had like two drops of creamer inside of it and no sugar to speak of. I'd been waiting so long to taste coffee to discover it was garbage? I frowned and handed the cup to Yao, who was laughing. 

"I guess it's not your thing, huh? I don't really like it either, but it wakes me up." Yao said as he dumped it out. 

We left the house, and I was greeted with leaves that had fallen from the trees. The crunched underneath my feet with every step I took. I had ignored my dad's advice to wear pants and a sweater and shivered as the cool air of late September swallowed my exposed arms and legs whole. I held onto Yao, shivering. He took off his jacket and wrapped me up in it.  We walked in silence for a few minutes. He still held my hand whenever we crossed roads but it didn't bother me that much anymore; he was probably just worried that I would get hurt again like I did at the gym if he didn't keep a close enough eye on me. 

"You really like that game, don't you?" he murmured suddenly as we entered his neighborhood. It was a gated community, full of houses bigger than I could have ever imagined he'd lived in. I pried my gaze from a mini mansion that we were passing that looked like it was made out of gold bricks and had some old lady outside already putting up her Halloween decorations to meet Yao's gaze. 

"Yeah, it's pretty fun. Why do you ask?" I responded, holding onto his arm as a small gust of wind brushed past us. My nose was red from the cold. 

"It looks kind of weird to me." he said, looking off to the side. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out his house keys. My jaw dropped as I looked up at his house. 

It was made of pure white stone, and all of the window sills looked like they were lined with gold as well as the double door at the front of it. He unlocked the door, and as we stepped inside, the warmth of his house washed over me. The smell of some sort of sweets baking filled my nose. He took off my coat for me and hung it up on a rack beside the front door, closing it behind him. It had porcelain tiles all the way up until you went into the kitchen or up the stairs. The stairs were clad with pure white carpets and the kitchen had creamy, brown tinted tiles inside of it. The whole kitchen looked like it was out of some furniture catalog, with earthy tones and all the best kitchen appliances.

A girl was standing in front of the stove, reading some kind of book. She had really long dark brown hair that was tied back into a single braid with a white flower clip at the end of it and bright brown eyes. She looked at me and smiled brightly, setting her book down on the counter and throwing her arms around me. 

"Hi, Alfred!" she exclaimed, pulling away from our hug with a mock shiver. "Geez, your skin feels like ice. Want some tea to warm you up?"

I nodded without thinking, smiling. It was weird to see her again after not having been in school for so long. She had grown to be a little taller than I was. Yao stood behind her, pulling her into a hug and patting her hair down before she poured me a cup of tea that smelled like plums. 

The three of us sat in the kitchen for a while. Xiao Mei told me about how school was going for her and that I should really think about attending high school in person instead of taking online classes, but I had grown so comfortable with doing school work at my own pace that I had to tell her I didn't want to. She said I should think about it, telling me all the benefits of going to class in person and that I probably wouldn't be bullied that much since all of the other students would be older and more mature (that made Yao laugh) and that if anybody did try to mess with me that I could refer them to her and she would beat them up. I laughed and shook my head, imagining how dumb it would look if I needed to have a girl protect me from bullies like that. 

The oven timer went off and interrupted our conversation. Xiao Mei stood to take the cookies she was baking out of the oven. Seconds later, I turned and jumped back when I saw a small child standing in the corner of the kitchen, staring at Xiao Mei as she took the cookies out of the oven with wide, shimmering eyes filled with desire.

"You can't have any yet, Leon, you have to wait until they cool off." she told him. 

"I don't mind the heat I want cookies." the kid protested, walking over to us. He was still holding his xbox controller and wearing a headset to go with it. He looked like he hadn't slept in a day and his mouth was stained with red like he'd been drinking soda or something of the sort. He had messy hair, the same color as Yao's, and eyes that were such a soft shade of brown that they almost looked golden. It kind of reminded me of Kiku's eyes. He stood on his tip toes besides Xiao Mei, his tiny hand reaching for a cookie, but he recoiled from it and cried out in pain when he realized how hot it was. 

"I told you." Xiao Mei spat matter-of-factly at him, lifting him up effortlessly so he could stick his burnt hand inside the sink. She ran cool water over it until he stopped complaining about the pain. 

"Leon, this is Alfred, Mr. Kirkland's son." Yao introduced me while I was drinking some of the plum tea that Xiao Mei had given me earlier. I set my cup down and waved at him, smiling. He just stood there with his arms crossed over his chest, staring at the cookies. He briefly made eye contact with me, but for the most part, he was very focused on the sweets. "What are you doing?" Yao asked in that childish whiny voice that he had used with my dad the night before. "You're being rude. Say hi to Alfred." 

"Hi." he spat coldly. "I'm waiting for them to cool so I can eat them." 

"Like you need anymore sweets. You didn't let him stay up all night playing that stupid xbox thing did you, Mei?" 

"I'm sorry, baba, every time I put him to bed, he just got out and started playing again so I gave up after a while... "

I laughed as they began to argue, just sitting there and watching them. It was weird to be around other kids like that. Yao was like a second parent to me, too, so I could already tell that Mei and Leon would be like siblings to me. I already liked Mei alot since I'd known her before, and Leon seemed like he would grow on me, too. I was really content just sitting there with them. I didn't care what we were doing, and it didn't really matter how nice the house was anymore. I realized I just liked being around them a lot. 

By the time the afternoon had come, I was sitting on the sofa with Leon watching him play the latest installment of Grand Theft Auto, after having witnessed his massacre of the cookies that Mei had baked earlier. He downed a big glass of milk as he played the game. He had asked me if I wanted to play with him, which thoroughly shocked Mei and Yao, but I respectfully declined. I had my own game to play after all. I pulled my laptop out of my backpack, sitting cross legged with it in my lap as I waited for it to power on and opened up the game screen. 

Kiku was there this time. He was sitting in the same position I was, absently staring up at the sky when his gaze met mine. 

"Hello!" he said cheerily. 

"Hi!" I said with equal enthusiasm in my voice. "Sorry I fell asleep so early last night.. I was tired. I was looking for information about the game." I explained to Kiku as I dug around in my backpack for a pair of headphones. I could hardly hear him over the sound coming from Leon's game. 

Kiku nodded in understanding, waiting until I had plugged the ear buds in before he started talking to me. 

"That's alright." he looked behind me, as though studying my surroundings. "Where are you now?"

"I'm at my dad's friend's house." I told him somewhat quietly, laying back against the sofa. It was really soft and colored red, matching the color scheme in the room; red and yellow with the same soft white carpets that were on the stairs. 

Kiku nodded, the smile disappearing from his face. 

"His name is Yao, isn't it?" he asked tentatively, almost like he didn't want it to be, which confused me. How did Kiku know who Yao was? 

"Yeah, why?" 

"He doesn't like me much..." Kiku explained to me, looking uneasy as he recalled whatever experience he had with him. "He said that I was creepy." 

I was about to ask Kiku when that happened before it occurred to me that dad carried me to bed last night. They probably saw Kiku on my laptop screen. I also noticed at that moment that Leon had paused his game and was crawling into my lap, pushing the lap top out of the way. He got situated on my lap and pulled it into his own. 

Kiku looked even more nervous. 

"Who's that?" he asked me. Leon asked that same question at the same time, only he noticed I was wearing ear plugs and yanked one of them out of my ears so I could hear him better. "What are you playing, Alfred?" he asked me. 

"Uh, it's just a pc game I got a long time ago. It's really old, you probably wouldn't like it." I tried to say to him. I didn't mind that Leon was interested in the game, but I still needed to talk to Kiku about what happened with him and Yao.

"I'll like it. I want to play it." Leon decided. I knew he wasn't going to change his mind. He reached for the ear phone he had taken out of my ear and put it onto his own. "Does the character talk?" he inquired, putting his finger on the touch pad and moving it around above Kiku's head, stirring some cherry blossoms up and around him. "It has good graphics." he commented, as though he were an expert on video game graphics. I laughed, wrapping my arms around his small frame. What was the harm in letting him try to play it for a little while? I could always just talk to Kiku about his encounter with Yao later, right?

All of a sudden, I saw Kiku smile. It was gentle and sweet as he looked at Leon. 

"Hello, player. Are you ready to begin level eight?" he asked him in a professional tone of voice- the same voice he had used on me when I first got the game. Leon gasped under his breath, eyes wide as he nodded. Kiku laughed. "Alright, then. Please hit the start button at the bottom right hand corner of the screen." 

Leon did as he was told. Kiku guided him through the maze with ease, seeming to enjoy himself. I helped Leon fight off the noberu that came along, though not many were in the swarms, I noticed. Whenever he was having trouble with the level, I gave him subtle hints to help him figure out how to get out of the maze and sure enough, he was able to solve it on his own after a while. He played for what felt like hours, going through three levels almost effortlessly. He enjoyed talking with Kiku, asking him questions related to how the game worked. 

"What's your name?" he asked all of a sudden, once he had gotten to level eleven. He decided to take a break for a while at the check point. I had my chin on his shoulder, peering down at Kiku. 

"Honda Kiku." he stated simply. "What is your name?" 

"Wang Leon." 

"It's nice to meet you, Leon. Are you a friend of Alfred's?" 

They chatted like that for a while before Yao came into the room to retrieve Leon for a bath. 

"I'm just gonna get him cleaned up and then I'll get started on dinner, okay?" he said, picking up Leon from my lap. Leon was very hesitant to go along with Yao.

"I want to play with Kiku, baba!" he said, pouting. "I'll take a bath later." 

Yao stood still, looking down at me. He was obviously shocked, his skin visibly paling as he held tightly onto Leon. 

"What are you talking about, play with Kiku?" he asked, worry evident in his tone. "I told you, Kiku isn't-" 

"He is in the game." Leon said, pointing at the computer. "Can I play with Kiku later Alfred?" he looked at me hopefully. I nodded, smiling nervously. 

"If it's okay with your dad." I murmured. 

Yao stood still before relief washed over him. He rolled his eyes. 

"I hate that the character's name is Kiku. I keep thinking it's..." he began, sounding irritated. "Nevermind. We'll be back." and he turned and walked up the stairs to the bathroom, leaving me stunned, but excited to know what had happened. 

"That was weird!" I told Kiku once I was sure that Yao was not within earshot. "What's he talking about? Why did he get so freaked out when Leon said your name?" 

"I am not sure. Yao had a similar reaction to me last night. It was very unsettling." Kiku said to me, his lip quivering. "It's strange. He thinks I am creepy, but I feel drawn to him, and Leon, too. I wish he didn't find me creepy... it hurts me." 

I bit my bottom lip and knitted my brows together, pondering this. I was so confused about the whole situation, and I was sure I would only find out more if I consulted Yao and Leon. 

"Don't let it get to you too much, Keeks. I'm sure it's nothing against you." 

"I hope not, Alfred. It makes me feel bad, the way he reacts to me." Kiku sighed sadly, staring down at the ground.  "He reminds me of..." Kiku murmured, but he never finished the thought.

"Don't worry, Kiku. I'm gonna find out what this is all about, I promise! I'll know what's going within a few hours." I reassured him. He nodded hopefully. 

"I'll let you get to it, then. I love you..."

"I love you too." I grinned at him. I was really excited to figure this out. "I'll talk to you later!" 

I closed the laptop after waving at him goodbye one last time and put it back inside of my backpack, abandoning it on the couch and walking up the stairs in the direction that I saw Yao take Leon into. 

I wandered through the hallways for a few moments before I finally saw him. His bedroom door was opened slightly. I knocked on it gently before entering. It was warm in there, with a bunch of candles lit on his bedside table. His bed sheets were a creamy color. He sat on them with a book in his lap that he was staring at wistfully. He looked up at me, motioning for me to come and sit down beside him. I nodded and sat beside him, wrapping my arms around him and nuzzling against him. I could tell he was upset. 

"What's wrong?" I asked, still hugging him tightly. But that was when I looked down into the book he had open. Inside of it were pictures of a baby. He had hair that was almost black and golden brown eyes, puffy cheeks stained pink, and he was wearing a blue kimono. He was probably a toddler about two years of age. Yao looked at him, smiling a joyless grin. 

"Is that Leon?" I asked. I didn't know who else it could be. Yao had other sons, but they were all nearly grown from what I understood. It couldn't have been Xiao Mei because the baby was obviously a boy... but Leon didn't have eyes that were that placid looking, and his were just barely a shade darker. His hair was also lighter in color. Yao shook his head no, rubbing the back of my head as he did. He opened his mouth to speak when Leon called out to him to tell him he was ready to get out of the bath. He mumbled an " _excuse me_ ", hesitantly pulling away from our embrace and walking into the bathroom that was attached to his bedroom to tend to his son. I was left alone with the photo book still opened in my hands. 

I looked through it, filled with a warm sensation in my gut and my chest. I was so happy as I looked at pictures of this baby; it was really cute. In every picture it seemed like he was about wander off somewhere on his own no matter where they were at. He was always turned to the camera. In some pictures, he was hiding behind something, like he was camera shy. 

There was a picture of him with a smaller baby. This one was obviously Xiao Mei. She was laying across his small lap and he was looking down at her smiling brightly. Yao was probably taking the picture, because I could see a woman poking in from the side and steadying the toddler's tiny hand to support Xiao Mei's head. 

Yao emerged from the bathroom carrying Leon, who was clad in his pajamas. He sat down beside me again with Leon in his lap, who immediately reached for the photo book. He took it out of my hands and flipped through it carelessly, like he'd seen it a billion times. 

"That's Kiku, right, baba?" he asked Yao, who nodded as he adjusted him in his lap. "He's my brother. I never got to meet him." he said grimly, closing the book and tossing it to the side. 

"Hey, don't just throw that thing around. It's important to me. Those are the only pictures that I have left of him, Leon. Mama took the others." Yao scolded Leon, gently swatting at his hand. Leon cringed and whined even though it probably didn't hurt him. 

"But he's on the computer. Why don't you just talk to him on the computer? I got to play with him today." 

"No, that's just a character that has the same name as him." Yao reasoned, shaking his head no to Leon, who rolled his eyes. 

"No, baba, it's him. Don't you recognize him? He's bigger now. He's nice to me and I like him." 

I couldn't really speak. I just sat there with my mouth wide open, in more shock than I had ever been in my life. I wondered if I was dreaming that all of this was happening. It all clicked together in my mind like a puzzle on the game. I solved this mystery without even having to say much. I just looked into a photo book and Yao and Leon showed me the rest, just as i had suspected they would. I was swelling with happiness and excitement. I wanted to tell Yao that Kiku was in the game, but how could he believe that? He already thought Leon was being dumb and unrealistic. He would just think the same if I told him, but I had to try. 

I was still apprehensive though. I didn't know Yao's religious views or if it would offend him for me to say something like " _oh, your dead son never went to heaven or got reincarnated, he just ended up trapped in a video game and there's probably no way to get him out of it ever_.". It was the truth though. Leon could see that, and I bet Xiao Mei would be able to see that, but Yao? I had no idea. 

"The Kiku in the game looks just like your baby." I began in a hush tone. I didn't want to alarm Yao, I just made a simple observation and I would see how he'd handle it. He just sat there glaring at Leon and I, tutting under his breath. 

"What do you think this is, some kind of joke? You two are **crazy**. Probably had too much sugar today... you've been watching too much tv." he spluttered out, sounding really uncomfortable with the notion. He stood and sat Leon down on the bed with me, walking out of the room. "I'm gonna go make dinner. Don't say crazy things like that. Kiku is somewhere else now." he went on, stopping in his tracks. He trembled slightly. Though I couldn't see him from the front, I knew he was crying. He put his face in his hands. "He's moved on. He's not in some video game... that is so stupid to even say. Why would say something like that? He's gone and it's time to move on." his voice cracked. He stood there for a few more moments before he turned to face us, tears streaming down his cheeks. "No more nonsense from you two tonight, okay?" he stated sternly. "And I don't want you playing that game anymore. That means you, too, Alfred." with that, he finally stormed down the halls and down the stairs, stomping so hard that I could hear him all the way until he got into the kitchen and started banging around pots and pans instead. 

"Baba is crazy. He always talks about how much he wants to see Kiku, and now he has the chance, and he doesn't want to?" Leon began, crossing his arms over his chest and pouting. "Why doesn't he want to see Kiku, Alfred?" he turned to me, softening his tone and gaze. 

I shrugged my shoulders. 

"I'm not sure, but we shouldn't talk about it, okay?" we sat in awkward silence for a few moments. I didn't want to disobey Yao and make him upset by playing the game again, but I needed to tell Kiku what I'd just found out. He deserved to know the truth, no matter how sad it would make him. I would have to find a way to get on the laptop to see him without Yao knowing. I turned to look back at Leon to see that he was gone and sat there, confused as to how he got away without me hearing a thing. 

I called out to him, getting off of the bed and starting down the halls in search of him. Before I knew it, I saw him at the very end of the corridor, ready to run up the next flight of stairs, my laptop tucked underneath his arms. 

"H-hey! Where are you going with that? Be careful!" I called out to him, astounded at how quick he was on his feet. I followed after him, to the third floor of the house where he darted into his bedroom. When I went inside, he was already seated on the floor, leaning against his bed with the laptop in his lap. 

He stared at the computer screen and nodded to himself before he opened his mouth to speak. 

"Baba needs to see you! You need to tell him you're real." he told Kiku. I crouched down beside Leon and looked at the screen to see Kiku with a confused expression on his face. 

"Baba? What is that?" he asked Leon, chuckling. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> final chapter

I did not know what a baba was or why the player Leon wanted me to meet it. I laughed, looking at him with an apologetic smile as I shrugged my shoulders. 

"Please forgive me. I don’t think I can prove my existence to something whose own existence I’m unsure of." he stared at me, raising a brow and frowning. 

"Huh?" 

Alfred looked over his shoulder. It was evident that he was anxious to tell me something, but was probably holding back since Leon was around. I liked this child. He was very cute and was good at the game. His talents with it surpassed my expectations. He was nearly as good at it as Alfred was. His face had a familiar quality to it that comforted me, too. For some reason, when he was the one that opened the computer and greeted me instead of Alfred, I wasn’t surprised to see him. 

Alfred stood and left the room, leaving Leon and I to discuss the matter at hand. I sighed a little; Alfred had been leaving a lot lately. Our interactions with each other were getting brief, and we didn’t have time to converse about all of the things I would have to liked to. I had had a stressful couple of days with him being away from the computer so often. I had nothing to do except worry about him and wonder what he was doing and when he was going to be back. That stress, on top of the stress I felt every time Yao’s name was mentioned made me something of a mess. But I tried to appear collected and well whenever Alfred did come to talk to me, and especially in front of Leon. I felt a strong desire to be as cool as I could around Leon.

"Baba is dad. Our dad. You remember him, don’t you?" the boy asked me suddenly. 

I was confused. I was almost sure that I didn’t share a dad with this child, if I did have one, that is. Looking back on the dreams that I had of my family, Leon was not one of the children that was in it, though he did closely resemble the ones that were. When I really studied Leon’s features, I came to realize that we had many traits in common with each other, so maybe the possibility of the two of us sharing a father wasn’t as far fetched as I had originally thought. 

"You’re Kiku right?" he shot another question into the air, not waiting for me to answer the first one. "My half-brother, Kiku." 

I felt giddy as he referred to me as his brother, but I remained silent. I didn’t know how to answer him. I didn’t want to lie if I didn’t know for sure.

 

“You look like him and my baba talks about him all the time. He has a different mom than me. She was Japanese and Kiku was born in Japan... in Hokkaido prefecture." 

"That's interesting." I commented as I listened to him, not with the intent that I should have, considering I still didn't want to believe him and get my hopes up only to discover that he was wrong. After all, he looked so young; he couldn't be old enough to spit out factual information like that, could he? "In this game, level one takes place in the capital of Hokkaido; Sapporo." I murmured, trying to direct his attention back to the game. I didn't want Leon to think I was his brother, for fear that he'd get his hopes up, too, and be upset if it turned out that I wasn't. "In the game, the player guides me all the way across the country Japan until I reach the very bottom. Then, I can cross the sea and be safe from the Noberu that have invaded it."  

"I wonder how you got into the game." Leon said aloud. "I wonder if you went there when you died because you have unfinished business on earth or something. Baba thinks you're in heaven... " I looked at him, smiling sheepishly at my failed attempt of getting him to play the game again and drop the issue he was telling me about. I felt a pang of guilt in my chest. If I was Yao's son, and he thought I was in heaven... I could only imagine his devastation if he found out that I was far from being where he wanted me to be. 

"I don't think I am in your brother, Leon-kun." I whispered, for fear I'd upset him by telling him my opinion on the subject. "Although it is a strange coincidence that I have the same name as your brother, I don't believe that I am him." I tried to say to him. He rolled his eyes as soon as I had finished my sentences. "Please don't tell Yao that you think your brother is trapped in this game... please don't. It will make him very upset, I'm sure. I don't want you to make your baba sad." 

"Tch." Leon frowned, crossing his arms. "I don't care if the truth makes him sad. He deserves to know, doesn't he?" he trailed off, looking down into his lap and pondering something. The look in his eyes told a million stories as a billion thoughts flooded his young mind. "I think if you can realize that you're really my brother, then maybe you can get out of the game and then go to heaven like baba wants." 

"What a thought." I whispered. "But it seems rather far-fetched, don't you think? That sort of thing doesn't happen in real life, I don't think..." it really did sound like something that happened in Alfred's comic books, which were very unrealistic; he'd shown me them many times, and I did enjoy them, but they weren't true to life, and he admitted so himself. He explained to me that in comics and other types of media, things are exaggerated to emphasize the viewer or reader's feelings and reactions toward it. I thought it was fascinating, and we talked about it for hours on end. He even pointed out an instance in which emphasis like that was used in my game; when the noberu attacked, they grew nearly ten times in size to make them appear more frightening. Surely the theory that Leon proposed was made more dramatic to spark intense feelings in me, in the same way Alfred explained to me. 

I was about to speak again, Alfred came and sat down beside Leon, holding a large book in his arms that was colored light blue. He opened it, taking a thin slip of paper out of it and holding it up to the camera of the laptop. It took a few moments for the camera to adjust, so the picture was blurry.

It was a baby in the picture. He was sitting in the grass, holding up a blue flower- much like the ones that are in the meadow in my game. He had hair the same color as mine, and eyes that were like mine and Leon's, too. I was confused as to why he was showing this to me, but I didn't let it show. I maintained faux interest in it, cocking my head to the side to show him I was confused.

"It's you, Kiku. I thought I should show you." Alfred stated, taking the picture away and carefully sliding it back into the book, a frown on his face. "I wouldn't show you pictures of random babies." he spat under his breath, the frown quickly turning it into a pout as though he could detect that I was only pretending to be interested in the photos. I frowned, my face turning pink from embarrassment at having been caught. "This book is filled with pictures of you." he went on, taking a few more out and holding them up to the camera for me to see. In one of them, a woman with black hair that went down her back was holding an infant that looked just a few days old. "That's your mom, I think." he showed me another one, this time, the baby was obviously being held by Yao.

"I think Yao is your dad." 

Alfred, too? 

"That doesn't seem right." I reasoned with myself that if Yao was my father, he wouldn't find me creepy and avoid me like he did. I didn't want my father to treat me as badly as Alfred's father used to treat him. No, he had to be perfect. He had to love me unconditionally and consider me a great achievement, not find me creepy like Yao did. 

"It makes more sense than anything else right now, though. I mean, I couldn't find any birth records for you. You wanted proof that you existed... here it is. This is the best I could possibly find." Alfred explained to me, closing the book after setting all of the pictures back inside and holding it to his chest. "I know you probably feel unsure because you don't recognize Leon, but you died before he was born. I have to ask Yao for more information about you, but he seems pretty distraught every time one of us brings you up so it'll be a while before he's comfortable telling me more." 

If this was what Alfred had found... then who was I to question him? Though I still didn't believe him, I nodded. 

He frowned. 

"Stop pretending that you agree with me just to make me happy, it's getting on my nerves!" 

"I'm sorry..." I whined, shaking my head. "I want to make you happy, and I want to believe you, but it's just too hard for me to wrap my mind around." I explained to him desperately. I didn't want him to think I was purposely trying to upset him by faking it when I was attempting to do the very opposite. "I love you, Alfred." I told him quietly. "I love you and I appreciate that you're trying so hard to prove my existence and make me happy... but I think it's in vain." 

Leon paused, raising one brow and looking at me with eyes that lacked luster. 

"You _love_ him?" he asked, his voice sounding as though he were shocked. 

I blushed furiously, trying to avoid his piercing gaze. 

"Is there something wrong with that...?" I asked, my voice shaking. 

"Well it's just kinda weird... how would that work? You guys can't touch each other or anything so you can't kiss or hug like baba and Arthur." 

It was Alfred's turn to be surprised. He mimicked Leon, raising a brow and staring down at him in disbelief. 

"Wait, wait, wait-- dad kisses Yao? What the heck that is so so so so gross!" Alfred cried out, throwing his head back after slapping his hands against his forehead. 

I wasn't too shocked myself. I had suspected that they may be more than friends when Alfred told me that Yao sometimes stayed the night, and that they slept in the same room together. I couldn't help but laugh at Alfred's disgusted reaction. 

"WHO WOULD WANNA KISS MY DAD?" he whined, shaking his head, murmuring "no" over and over again under his breath. When he heard me laugh, he tore his hands away from his face and stared at me. "Why are you laughing? This is gross. If they got married, you'd be my step brother." 

"That's gross. You guys can't be together if baba is going to marry Arthur." Leon stated matter-of-factly. "You guys will be like country people. They marry within the family because nobody else wants them." Leon added in a hush tone, as though he would offend somebody if they heard. 

"Who said Arthur and I were getting married?" a heavily accented voice chimed in that was neither Alfred's nor Leon's. Leon suddenly grabbed the monitor and turned the computer screen toward the door. I was facing Yao, who was holding a spatula in one hand and leaning on the door way with his free arm. He frowned immediately. "And didn't I tell you two to stop playing that game?" 

"Baba, it's Kiku! Tell him he's real!" the child demanded. Yao groaned and rolled his eyes. 

"This again." he muttered as he walked over to them, leaning down so that he was on eye level with Leon. He leaned over the laptop, pursing his lips together as he held onto Leon by his chin, using his thumb and index finger to pinch the boy's cheeks. "I told you, Kiku is not in that game. He's in heaven, baby. I know you wanted to meet him really badly... that's probably why you're so convinced he's in the game."

"But-" Leon tried to say, his voice sounding muffled thanks to the way Yao wash pushing his cheeks together. "It's really him- I promise, baba. I feel it." he insisted, putting his small hands over his chest to emphasize his point. "I think if you tell him he's real and talk to him then he can go to heaven." 

Yao sighed, turning to Alfred in resignation.

"You don't buy into that do you?" he asked one last time, sounding like he hoped Alfred would tell him no.

Alfred chuckled nervously, nodding. He stayed silent, as did Leon, as Yao pulled away from them and took the laptop into his hands. He sat on the edge of the bed Alfred and Leon were leaning on, setting the laptop down in his lap and looking down at me. He was clearly dejected. 

"Well then, Kiku-" he paused, putting his hand to his forehead just as Alfred did a few moments ago. "I can't believe I'm talking to a video game character..." he whispered before looking back at me between his fingers and smiling. "Leon seems to think that you're my son. His name was Kiku, too, as I'm sure you've figured out already." 

I felt nervous as this man spoke to me, playing with the skin-tight fabric of my suit. I picked it and let it pop back against my skin, silent for a few moments. I couldn't make eye contact with him anymore; it was too uncomfortable. His gaze was omniscient and I felt like he knew everything about me just by looking at me.

"I've been told... and Leon-kun said that he was born in Saporro." I dared to look back at him, still popping the fabric of my suit against my skin absently. He looked taken aback that I even answered his question. He was probably shocked that I could carry on conversation so easily, despite being a video game character. He was shocked just as Alfred was when he first started playing the game. I felt like perhaps I should explain the way I worked to him. "I'm not like a regular game character..." I began with a nervous sigh before I explained everything to him. I told him everything that I knew, everything that i had experienced before Alfred bought my game. I expressed my feelings of lonliness, and my feelings of joy when Alfred came into my life. In time, Alfred and Leon and found their way onto the bed and sat beside Yao, Leon holding onto his arm and Yao using his free hand to stroke the boy's head. Alfred smiled at me encouragingly, causing me to speak for much longer than I had to. 

Something about Yao comforted me, I had recognized that since the first moment I laid eyes on him. His gaze, though intimidating and all-knowing, was warm and welcoming all the while no matter what else his face expressed. It was all balanced out perfectly in the end. 

I told him how I've been with Alfred all that time, even daring to explain my true feelings for him, which caused him to giggle a little bit but not enough to stop me from talking. I had never spoken so much before in my life, even to Alfred, and it was all in one breath. I couldn't stop myself if I tried. It felt like I'd been trying to get that out for a while but I never could because Yao wasn't there or listening. I told Yao that I didn't want Alfred to become my step brother because I was in love with him, and he didn't seem to know how to react to that. Normally, the discomfort he was obviously conveying to me would have made me stop, but I didn't. I shamelessly carried on, moving onto the dreams I had of a man holding me after I'd drowned. His warmth, even as he sobbed over my death, holding my small body with trembling hands... it reminded of Yao. I told him this. 

I rendered him speechless. Silence filled the air as soon as I had finished telling Yao my life's story. Leon had fallen asleep in his lap, and Alfred leaned into his side, looking quite tired as well, but he had a happiness in his eyes that told me he was proud of me for sharing my experiences with Yao. 

"You don't have to believe it... I'm not quite sure I believe it either." I said softly too him, grinning sheepishly just as I always did when I was unsure of what the person's reaction would be. 

"It's just a lot to process, is all." he said calmly, looking very tired all of a sudden. He looked down at the keyboard, absently tapping at the keys on it. "I guess. I guess I'm glad that I could hear you say that. It just seems so unreal. Why would you be trapped in a video game?" 

"If I knew, I would tell you." 

"And you dreamt of me... after you died?" he asked suddenly, his voice cracking as though he'd cried. I nodded. "Does that mean you heard my apology?" Alfred wrapped his arms around Yao. I didn't know why he was holding him so tenderly until I looked back up again, watching as the man sobbed violently. He seemed well held together just a few moments ago, but fell apart just as easily, thread by thread. His sobs grew harder, and Alfred rubbed his back gently to try and get him to calm down. Leon laid undisturbed, still fast asleep with drool dripping down his chin. 

"I should have watched you better... I shouldn't have let you wander off." Yao choked out between his sobs. He was absolutely crestfallen. "If it's really you, and I don't know if it is because this is all so crazy-" he spluttered, wiping some of the tears from his eyes and holding the computer screen as he spoke. He said it all quickly so he wouldn't start crying again in the middle of saying. "If it's really you, I want you to know I love you. I love you so much. I always have and I still do. I think about what happened every day of my life; the guilt never leaves me. I pray and pray that you're okay wherever you are, but I know it's not enough to send my best wishes to you... I know it won't change the fact that you could be here right now." 

"We were so poor when you were alive. And now I'm rich. I could give you everything if you were here, just like i give to your sister and brother. But I'll never be able to. I'll never be able to treat you as well as I treat them... it makes me feel so guilty. It's not fair. You should be here with me right **now**." 

"Please don't be upset, Y-Yao..." I whispered. I didn't know what to call him now that he'd accepted me as his own. I tried everything I could to console him. "I forgive you." I said more loudly. I needed him to know that I felt absolutely no resentment in my heart toward him; all I felt was love and longing to see him again. " _I love you_..." I cried, tears pouring from my eyes. "I wish I was with you, but I'm not. I'm here. I don't know why I'm in here. I hate it. I'm alone." I cried, and it seemed I had fallen apart too. 

"Kiku-" Alfred looked at me, concern in his eyes. "Please don't cry. You'll be okay." he whispered. "I know it doesn't help much now, but I really believe it. I believe you're going to be okay. You believe in me, don't you?" 

I nodded slowly, trying to compose myself. I hated it when I lost control over my emotions. 

"I believe in you, Alfred." I forced myself to say it aloud so I couldn't take it back later. "I believe in you with all of my heart." 

I closed my eyes, breathing in.

When I opened them again, I was alone. 

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I JOKE I JOKE I wouldn't REALLY end the story like that

The screen went black.

I screamed so loudly, waking up Leon and startling Yao. I sobbed violently, my eyes so filled with tears that I couldn't see anything. Xiao Mei had run down the hall in her pajamas, looking like the scream had woken her up and asked me what was wrong, clearly worried about me.

"The battery is probably just dead." Yao reasoned with me, rubbing my back in the same manner I had for him just a short while ago. But that was wrong to say. I had had my charger in all night the night before I came to Yao's house, and I had only used my computer for two, three hours tops as I let Leon play them game. I had that computer for ages then and I knew that it had a better battery life than that. I was left to wonder why it had just shut off like that, left to wonder why fate would render me of my happiness in such a cruel way.

I fell to my knees, my arms shaking as I held the laptop in my arms. Mei looked down at me with a pained expression on her face. She was about to come to my aid when Yao stopped her. I managed to bring myself to my feet and ran past her as quickly as I could, down the stairs to the second floor to find my laptop charger, hoping in vain that if I plugged it in, it would work again. I fell to my knees in front of an electrical outlet after fishing the charger out of my bag, sitting with the laptop in front of me as I waited desperately for the start up screen that would never come.

In that moment, I thought that maybe Leon was right.

Maybe Yao and Kiku finally recognizing each other for who they really were finally let Kiku's earthbound soul free, and he went to heaven just as Yao had thought he was at all along. But I was selfish. If I had known that their confrontation of each other would have taken Kiku away from me, I would have made it a point to make sure they never met each other. I thought this bitterly as I stared at the laptop screen, waiting and waiting, but I was never greeted with the start up screen, only blackness.

" _WHY!?_ " I cried out dramatically, banging my fists on the floor in front of the outlet that I'd shoved the charger into. "Why won't it come on?"

"It's your computer; there's something wrong with it." Mei told me, her voice calm and steady as she knelt down beside me and took the laptop gingerly from my shaking hands. She tried her best to get it to work again; she pressed the start-up button in every way that she could, pressing and holding it down, pressing it once, then more than once, but none of it worked. My screen remained blank and my laptop lifeless. Panic surged through me as I shook my head, too distraught by the situation to appreciate Xiao Mei's determination to console me and make me happy despite not having the slightest idea of what I was on about.

She pressed the button on the side of my computer to eject the game disk from it, but it didn't open unless the computer was turned on. She dug her nails into it as deeply as they would go, tugging it outward with a frown on her face. It quickly turned into a grimace and she felt the nails she'd used to pry it open break. They bled slightly.

She used her non injured hand to hand me the game disk.

"You can try it on my computer, come on." she insisted, helping me to my feet and walking me back up stairs to the third floor where we put the game desk into her desk top computer.

I could feel Yao staring at our backs.

I knew that he was upset, too. Who wouldn't be, if they had the chance to talk to their beloved son again, only to have something unfortunate take him away from them again? But I was being self-absorbed, too concerned with my own feelings of helplessness to care about what Yao felt. I needed Kiku. Kiku was the only reason I was happy, I thought, I was convinced... I needed to wake up to him every morning and see him before he went to sleep at night. I needed him to share my ideas with, to talk with, to give my love to. If I didn't have Kiku anymore, what did I have? I felt like I didn't have anything without him.

**Game Disk could not be read.**

The screen said simply, in white characters.

**See website for more information and assistance.**

It was useless. I had already checked the website and CC was not even in their game database.  
  
Xiao Mei looked defeated. She stood beside me, resting a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Alfred. I wish I could help you."

But she'd already helped me so much. She'd done for me everything that could have been done.

I tried to put the game disk into every computer I came into contact with over the next few months, but still, the same words came across the screen.

**Game Disk could not be read.**

It was as though it was scratched up; I guarded that thing with my life in the time that I owned it and I scarcely took it out of my computer.

In time, my laptop starting working again, but the game wouldn't work on it either, and any links or icons of it on my desktop were just dead links.

**The file _Chrysanthemum Crusade_ could not be located on your computer.**

I looked forward to my dreams every night, hoping that maybe Kiku would be in them, but he never was. I was alone in them and they usually nightmares.

I was depressed but I was slowly coming around to the idea that I had lost Kiku forever. Yao tried to talk with me about it. He thought that telling me he was in heaven would make me feel better, because that's what made him happy since he had accepted Leon's theory about it. Yao prayed every day, and he encouraged me to do so with him.

We'd sit face to dace with our legs crossed, and he would have my hands in his own and whisper sweet words to Kiku under his breath, also praying for his other family members who'd passed, and praying for god to watch over me and Leon and Xiao Mei. He was really devoted to his religion. I thought maybe if I was the same way that I'd be happier.

"What are we?" I asked my dad one day in December, when we were sitting at the breakfast table eating before we'd leave to Yao's house to put up christmas decorations. I had been silent for days on end because of my depression at losing Kiku, so he was shocked to hear me speak. He put down his newspaper and sat up straight in his chair, looking at me with a sheepish grin.

"What do you mean, love? We're English..." he murmured, tapping his fingertips against the tabletop. I said nothing. I didn't feel like explaining what I meant- I just wanted him to KNOW like Yao does. "And... you're American, too..."

"Are we christian?" I elaborated finally, sitting in the same manor he was, with my hands on the table and tapping my fingertips against it. "I want to get more involved with religion like Yao is. He says he practices Taoism or something like that... but what what do we practice?"

"Oh, that's what you meant." dad laughed, rolling his eyes. "Well... I'm not entirely sure myself... I could never decide between being catholic and protestant, but I guess denominations aren't important. We are christian, to answer your question."

I nodded, taking a spoonful of my instant oatmeal (dad had tried to make me some from scratch but I didn't feel like having a bad taste in my mouth and a stomach ache all day so I told him I didn't want him to go through the trouble of it) as an excuse to stop the conversation. I kept in my mouth for a while so he would try to ask me any questions. Dad had the tendency to turn a brief conversation into a really long one... I used to do the same before I met Kiku.

Kiku was always to-the-point in conversations, only speaking the bare minimum of what he should, and the rest of the time we sat in comfortable silence. Comfortable silence was so foreign to me, because I was raised around Arthur, who always talking and was never close enough with anyone to enjoy a peaceful silence without feeling awkward. I frowned, forcing my food down my throat which tightened at the thought of him, and closed my eyes which threatened to spill tears over my sadness of having lost him.

"Are you alright?" dad asked me, concerned. I'd been crying out of turn a lot lately. He knew about the situation with Kiku thanks to Yao... and Leon... and Mei... who apparently didn't know how to keep things to themselves. He knew this was probably the reason why I was upset, but every time, he still asked. I didn't know why. He stood up and hugged me tightly. I held onto him, resting my head on his shoulder as I tried to fight back my tears.

He rubbed my back soothingly, whispering as he spoke.

"Kiku is in a better place now, love. You should be happy for him. It's where he was meant to be along."

"I know... but I miss him." I cried out, sounding like a little kid. He nodded, chuckling.

"Naturally. But you'll move past the sadness you're feeling right now with time, and then when you remember him and miss him, you'll feel happy. You should feel happy because you got the chance to meet him instead of sad that you didn't get to know him for as long as you wanted to." he explained to me. He must have been taking pointers from Yao. I felt my heart slow down, beating at a normal pace again. My eyes didn't sting like I was going to cry anymore. For the first time in a long time, I was genuinely comforted by my dad's words. I pulled away from him and smiled.

"I love you, dad. Thank you." I told him. "You're right. I am happy that I met him. I hope I stop being sad soon."

He ruffled my hair and winked at me. 

"That's my boy." he said, standing to his regular height again and taking the last sip of his tea before he turned toward the front door. "Let's get going. Maybe putting up christmas decorations will help cheer you up." 

We walked out of the door and into the chilly December air. I held onto my dad's hand hoping he'd be warm, but he was just as cold as the snow on the ground was and wondered briefly he was actually some sort of undead creature like a vampire. I recoiled from his hand and shoved it into my pockets instead, but that didn't make me any warmer. Dad murmured something about "I told you you should have worn mittens", and I ignored him, my eyes railing off to the side as I looked at all of the buildings in the nearby shopping plaza. They were freshly decorated for the upcoming holidays, sparkling white lights hanging from the buildings and a large Christmas tree with purple and gold ornaments hanging on it. I couldn't help but smile. December was always one of my favorite times of the year because even people who were grumpy all year long (like dad) we cheery and happy because of the holiday season. Stress was low since everyone was out from work and school. People who weren't ordinarily kind would give you things, too. 

" **ALFRED**!" dad screamed at me. I had wandered away from him while he was looking at a newspaper stand and I didn't realize how far I'd gone. I turned turned around to look at his figure, which was small because of the distance I had formed between us. I was confused when his kept screaming something that I couldn't quite understand. 

I was yanked backward suddenly, nearly falling on my back as someone pulled me onto the sidewalk. I was startled, looking around in confusion when I saw a car speed past me, inches away from where my feet were, honking like crazy. 

"You need to be careful!" a timid sounding voice yelled in my ear; or at least it would have been a yell if whoever was yelling wasn't so soft spoken. Hands were under my shoulders and I was pulled to my feet, turning to face a kid that looked a year or two younger than me. He had blond and curly shoulder-length hair and something resembling a french accent as he spoke. His eyes were a pale shade of violet and filled with worry. "Y-you could have died!" he added, sounding mortified at the idea of me dying even though he was only a stranger and my death wouldn't impact him in any way. 

That kid have saved my life. 

My dad was way too far away to have gotten to me in time and nobody else was close enough to pull me away either. I certainly wouldn't have been able to run out of the way either, since I was so distracted by dad's yelling and was trying to decipher was he was saying. 

"Thank you." I choked out, feeling tears stinging my eyelids. I threw my arms around him, holding his thin body against my tightly. He smelled like pancakes, which only encouraged me to prolong our sudden embrace. "Thank you, thank you-" I kept whispering when my dad had arrived at our side. 

"Thank god you're okay." he was crying, too. He looked down at the kid I was hugging, tears pouring profusely from his eyes. "Thank you so much. You really saved him there..."

The kid just nodded and murmured something that was too quiet to hear, patting my back gently as he hugged me. He hugged me like he had known me for years, like he was just as relieved as my dad was that nothing bad had happened to me. When I pulled away from our hug and rubbed at the tears in my eyes, dad leaned down on one knee and hugged him, too. 

"Thank you, thank you," he kept whispering just like me, rubbing his back. " What's your name, dear? I can't thank you enough..." 

"Mathieu." the boy whispered, his accent getting heavier all of a sudden. Or maybe he was just using his normal speaking tone, I couldn't tell, considering his yelling sounded like a normal speaking tone to me. Every time he spoke, he sounded like he was trying to hide it, like he was embarrassed about it. But he was nervous now that he was receiving so much praise; he obviously wasn't given this much attention on a regular basis and he was very, painfully shy. He hugged my dad back as best as he could with his arms and legs shaking. 

"Matthew? Thank you, Matthew. I don't know what would have happened to Alfred if you weren't there to save him. I can't repay you for what you've done, but please know I'm thankful." 

A man came over that was nearly identical to him, only his own curly hair was tied back into a low ponytail and he had the beginnings of facial hair on his chin. He was carrying a loaf of french bread as well as a plain white box full of sweets from the bakery nearby, probably.  He looked confused as to why my dad was hugging Matthew and why he and I were both crying. 

"Excuse me?" he murmured, his accent even thicker than Matthew's. "What are you doing with my son?" 

This guy had obviously not witnessed the scene that had just played itself out. He probably thought my dad was a freak at that moment, and I couldn't let him think that. Dad was still too choked up to explain himself as he reluctantly pulled away from Matthew, whose face was red from embarrassment. 

"He just saved me." I spat, looking up at the French guy with a crazy look in my teary eyes. I reached for Matthew , holding him by the shoulders. I clung to him, actually. "I almost got hit by a car and he saved me." I elaborated. Matthew was blushing so furiously that he covered his face with his hands. I ignored his discomfort and gripped his shoulders more tightly. 

Dad stood beside me, nodding. 

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to thank him." he said as he tried to wipe away his tears. The man's face softened all of a sudden, a sheepish smile creeping up onto his face. He shifted all that he was carrying to one arm and reached for his son's hand, holding it tightly and looking fondly into his eyes. 

" _Bon travail_ , Mathieu." he said. I didn't know what it meant but he said it sweetly. I let go of Matthew hesitantly, scurrying to my dad's side and holding him tightly by the waist. I was still in shock over what had happened, but I knew I was relieved to be able to hug him again. To think that I certainly would have died if it hadn't been for Matthew terrified me. I may have been depressed over losing Kiku, but at least then I knew that I wasn't sad enough to completely give up on my life. Dad brought his hand down onto my head. 

"I'm so thankful. Is there anything I could do for you in return? I know anything I do wouldn't compare to what Matthew's done, but it'd be something..." dad began. The man shook his head 'no'. 

"Your thanks is enough. I'm sure Mathieu understands your appreciation." 

I listened as this man talked to my dad. They kept talking for what felt like forever, exchanging phone numbers and such. I kept looking at Matthew and smiling. He was so shy though that every time I tried to make eye contact with him, he'd swiftly look away and pretend to be very interested in the concrete that he was standing on. I wanted him to know he didn't have to be nervous around me or embarrassed for what he'd done, but I didn't know how to. I was so unused to interacting with kids who weren't Mei and Leon. 

"How about we have you over for dinner this Saturday?" dad proposed. I felt my stomach drop and my eyes went wide. 

" _ **No**. Please_." I whispered, knowing full well that my dad's cooking would end these two french people forever. Why would you repay someone who had saved your's son's life with cooking that was so bad that it would kill them? 

"Actually, I am a chef at the bistro next to the bakery... I'l admit I am very picky when it comes to food and I wouldn't want to offend you if I did not eat it..." the man let him down gently. Dad just nodded in understanding. "How about I cook for you instead?" he suggested, but dad refused, saying something about how they'd already done enough for us. 

We parted ways just a short while later. I waved good bye to Matthew after giving him one last hug and dad and I continued on our way. He was really shaken by the incident, though I had more or less recovered from it. He held onto my hand and didn't let me even think about leaving his sights, lecturing me about how stupid I was for not paying attention to the busy road in front of me, that I could have caused a car accident. What would have happened if Matthew wasn't there? I'd be gone. But we tried to put this past us. We certainly wouldn't be telling Yao; I didn't want my dad to get beaten by him. Yao always whacked him upside the head whenever anything even remotely unfortunate happened to me and called him a bad parent.

We spent the whole day at Yao's house. I was way too cold standing outside, though it was amusing to watch dad and Yao struggle to put up the lights. Every time they tried, they just fell down on top of each other and lights came unhooked from the tiny hooks they were using to hang them and fell to the ground alongside them. Both of them were getting really short-tempered with the whole thing, barking at the lights as they fell and yelling at each other, pushing past each other to put up the lights the way they felt was most sufficient. 

Eventually though, Mei came outside. While dad and Yao bickered about what the were going to do about the lights, she climbed the ladder and successfully hung every single one of them in their hooks. By that time, the moon was already in the sky and engulfing our town covered in white with darkness. The neighborhood was lit up with red and green and blue lights, though. At Yao's house, they hung gold and white lights which reflected beautifully on the snow. Yao and Arthur stood back to look at the lights, both looking more than relieved that they didn't have stress about it anymore. They held the ladder down at both sides as Mei dismounted from it, standing back to admire her work with a smile on her face. 

"You know, next semester of school starts in January." she said to me once we were all inside. Her and I were sitting at the bar in the kitchen, drinking hot chocolate, and both in our pajamas since I was staying the night. "You could ask your dad to enroll you in school." 

"I don't know..." this again? I had already told her so many times that I didn't feel ready for the stress that school had to offer me. I didn't want to get picked on anymore. I was already depressed. "I don't think I'm ready for it. I've been doing online school for three years now. I feel like I'd be uncomfortable." 

"Then maybe you can try to start school next fall. You could come to my high school with me and we'll both be new and uncomfortable." 

"Maybe." I murmured before taking a big sip of my drink. I didn't want to discuss the matter anymore. I already knew that all of them thought that I should give up online school and start attending a real one. Since I lost Kiku, they'd been saying things along the lines of "he's got no social skills, he needs to interact with kids his own age", but it wasn't true. I was just sad. I just needed time to recover from my loss... it had only been three months after all. Did they expect me to get over something that meant my world so quickly? 

"I won't push you to do it anymore. Sorry." Mei whispered apologetically. "I just want you to cheer up. I think if you went to school and saw that people aren't as bad as they were when you were younger, you'd feel much better." 

 I considered this carefully. If there kids my age that were as kind and caring as Matthew and Mei were, then maybe school really wouldn't be as bad for me as it was in the sixth grade. My thoughts were interrupted when my dad came and stood on the other side of the bar, looking at us, grinning. 

"Are you two excited for christmas?" he asked. "I'm getting you two really nice gifts." 

"What do you want?" I asked him suspiciously, narrowing my eyes. Mei was confused. I knew dad wanted something out us though and I wasn't going to play along until I knew what for. 

"I know you guys know what Yao got me for christmas. He told me you went with him." he was honest, at least. He leaned over the counter and whispered to us. "I'll tell you guys what I got you if you tell me what he got for me." 

 "He told us you would tell us that." Mei said, wide-eyed. "He gave us both twenty dollars to not--" 

"He got you a pair of tweezers and a card that says "You're welcome". Now go away, dad, and stop trying to ruin your surprise." I laughed, trying not to spit out my drink. I thought I was hilarious, at least. Mei laughed too after she got over the initial shock of being interrupted. What I said wasn't a lie; that was a part of what Yao had gotten him, as a joke, of course (he'd also gotten him a "cooking for dummies" book to further poke fun at him). 

Dad glared at me. 

"Very funny." he murmured before walking away.

I could hear him yelling at Yao in the next room over and chuckled to myself as Mei turned worriedly to the direction of the noise. 


	18. Chapter 18

Christmas came and went. Dad and I had wound up staying at Yao's house until the day after the holiday. I returned home with copious amounts of great gifts from Yao. He'd given me two new gaming systems along with games to go with them, a Japanese-English dictionary to perfect my knowledge on the language, and a really nice necklace of a cross because I had told him that I wanted to get more involved with my religion. I thought it was really nice that he'd get something for me like that and I felt bad that I couldn't give him anything in return. He told me I was too young to have to worry about getting people presents and that I could just pay him back some other time. 

New Years was just as fleeting, flashing before my eyes like a firework in the sky. Dad and I easily watched them from out of the living room window after having decided that it was way too cold to stand outside and watch them. 

I started my online classes again a few days afterward, and I was just as good at them as I had been before. I felt so weird this time around though, just knowing that I wouldn't be able to open up the game and play with Kiku after I'd finished my studies, and knowing that I could be going to real school with Xiao Mei instead. I felt pathetic because I was so anxious when it came to thinking about attending a real school in person and everything. I explained these feelings to my dad and he told me not to worry about it, but I still did. I knew he was fine with me just taking online classes, and for a while I was, too, but my mind was slowly changing. 

February came. On the eleventh, I was home alone reading some excerpts from _The Tale of Genji_ for my Japanese class. I had my bedroom window open and early morning sunlight came in from outside, soft yellow rays shining on my bed and warming the hard-wood floors beneath it. The room was silent aside from the sound of my heart beat. I only half paid attention to my reading assignment; my thoughts were of Kiku.

I had trouble not fantasizing about him during the day, recalling the soft feeling of his hand in my own, the sweet smell of tea he naturally gave off. I missed him daily. He never left my thoughts, no matter how hard I tried to keep him out of them because I knew it would only depress me and that it was a lost cause. He was gone, in heaven like Yao and Leon and even my dad insisted he was. I should be happy, but I wasn't.

I sighed, minimizing my classes and leaning back in my computer chair, bringing my sketch book into my lap. I began to draw the soft features of his loving face, putting extra detail into the glinting of his eyes and colored his cheeks pink like they always were whenever he saw me. I put texture into his hair, making it look soft, because that's how I recalled it feeling from the dreams that I'd shared with him. I drew him in real clothes instead of the suit he wore in the game. I drew him in a school uniform to help me see what he would look like he was a real person, as well as the uniform of the bookstore that was in town because I could easily imagine him working there. 

I stared down at my sketches in sadness. I longed to feel him again, and I missed the sweet sound of his gentle, synthetic voice.

" _Anata ga inakute sabishii desu_." I whispered to the air, holding my finished drawing against my chest for a few moments before I tore it out of my sketchbook and pinned it to my wall. 

After I'd finished hanging up the picture, I heard the jangling of keys at the door. I walked out of my room and was greeted by Yao standing there, who was holding a container.

He smiled at me but said nothing as he walked over to the kitchen counter and opened the container to unveil a home-made, Japanese-styled strawberry short cake. I walked over to Yao and looked at it, confusion written all over my face. 

"Today is someone's birthday." he said finally, taking off his coat and throwing it to the side. He prepped the tea kettle and set it on the stove to boil as I pulled up a chair to the breakfast table and watched him. 

"It's not yours or Mei's." I said; both of their birthdays were in October, and Leon's was a few days before mine in July. I sat there, puzzled as he walked over to the breakfast table with two fresh cups of green tea and a jar of honey to put in them. He walked  back to the counter and whispered something with his eyes closed before he dug a knife into the side of the cake, pure white frosting smearing on the steely gray of the tool. He carried two plates of the stuff over to the table, sitting one front of me. I dove for the strawberry on it.

"It's Kiku's birthday." Yao said finally, doing the same as me and eating the strawberry on top of his slice of cake first. He then had a sip of his tea, setting the cup down and smiling at me when a sad look made its way onto my face. "Today he's sixteen." he took another sip of his tea before he continued, smiling sympathetically at me.  
  
"Don't look so sad. He'd want you to be happy." 

It was true. Kiku would have scolded me for looking so sad at the mention of him on his birthday. I nodded, trying my best to smile despite my tears.  
  
I missed him so much. Every time I thought about him I was filled with a sadness like none I'd ever experienced before. I figured this was that feeling of having your heart broken that those shitty romance novels were always mentioning. How could Yao be so cheery knowing that Kiku should have been alive and well and having cake there with us? I would never be contented so long as he wasn't beside me. I wiped away my tears and I took a bite of the cake Yao had made, my face lighting up at how sweet it tasted. 

"This is the same cake his mom and I made for his third birthday." Yao said before he took a bite himself. He reached over to me and dabbed at my tears with a napkin.  
  
I guess I was crying for the both us. I felt like I was experiencing all of the sadness Yao should have had for him. I kept crying, and he kept reaching over and wiping my tears away. I maintained the bittersweet smile on my face through all of it.  
  
"He didn't actually eat it. He stuck his hand in the middle of it and then took off all the strawberries and ran away with them. He hid them." he said with a laugh as he recalled that. "The house smelled for weeks and I kept finding them in the weirdest places." 

I laughed too, imagining the baby from the pictures I'd seen doing that. Yao had given one of them to me; the one where he was wearing a blue kimono. It must have been taken the same year he'd died, which only mad me even more upset. It was sad that he didn't get to live past being a baby, and even more sad that his soul didn't immediately pass on and instead got damned to some kind of stupid computer game. 

Sometimes I wished I had never played it. Not because I regretted meeting Kiku, or falling in love with him, or being his friend, but because I hated the feeling of emptiness I had in my chest now that he was gone for good.  
  
I didn't want to have a life without him, which paled in comparison to one with him in it.

"Cheer up, Alfred. Today is a day to celebrate, not to mourn. You've been mourning long enough, don't you think? It's time to give yourself a break and be happy." Yao encouraged me, walking over to my side of the table and pulling me into a tight hug. When he pulled away, he clicked his tea cup against mine in a sort of toast. "To Kiku." he whispered, kissing my forehead. 

I nodded and clicked my cup against his again, repeating what he'd said to myself.

"To Kiku." 

He held me in his arms until I stopped crying. He offered me to come to his house so I wouldn't be so lonely until my dad got home from work, but I declined. I needed to be alone for a little while and I knew he would respect that. He made sure I had everything I needed; a fresh pot of tea and another slice of cake. 

"Don't burn the house down or anything okay?" he told me on his way out the door. "Lock this door behind me, too. Don't let anybody in if they knock." 

I nodded, laughing. He sounded like my dad before he left to go somewhere. I caught him by his shirt sleeve before he could leave, looking up at him with the tears more or less gone from my eyes. 

"Thank you for everything, Yao." I murmured almost shyly as I hugged him. He smiled warmly and ran his fingers through my hair, waiting until I pulled away to speak. 

"Anything for you. I care about you, too, you know? Just as much as I care about your dad and my own children." he reassured me. I nodded in thanks again, giving him one last hug before he left. 

He had left me with the cake. I kept eating it until I felt sick. Something about its sweet taste made me nostalgic for the story Yao had told me about Kiku's last birthday, even though I wasn't there for it. My mind flooded with images of him, memories of when the game was still working and we played together. I sat at the table drinking tea all day, thinking of him, talking to nobody about how much I loved him and missed him. 

I remembered that I had never finished my reading assignment for my Japanese class and went back into my room eventually to do so.  
  
As I sat there, alone, reading the text with a bemused look on my face, I decided I would be starting school with Mei that fall. There was no use in sitting alone in my house all day and being upset. Every time I did my online classes I was reminded of my desire to see Kiku once more because he'd been with me the entire time I took them. 

I turned fourteen over the summer, and Leon turned eight. Since our birthdays are so close together, we celebrated it on the same day.

By August, I found myself at the town's high school for registration, sitting with Xiao Mei in the principal's office as our fathers filled out paperwork at the desk in front of us. I was called over to them by the woman working the front desk. I hesitantly stood and walked over to them, putting my hands on the counter top absently. 

"Yeah?" I asked. I had a feeling in my stomach that told me this couldn't be good. 

"She wants to know how you'd feel about skipping a grade." dad explained to me under his breath. "She's looked at your online transcripts and thinks you should start out as a sophomore so you'll be more challenged." he went on. I looked up at the woman, stunned, even though I really shouldn't have been. I had always exceeded what was expected of me when it came to school work and it was only natural that an opportunity like this arose eventually. I thought for a few moments, Yao looking over to me encouragingly, and my dad doing the same. "You don't have to, but I think you'll really be happy you made the decision in the long run." 

I was expecting to be in the same grade as Xiao Mei all that time, though. I was hesitant to go to school without her by my side, but the way that dad and Yao looked at me was making me kind of nervous and pressuring me to make a decision quickly. 

"O-okay." I spluttered finally. I turned to look at Mei out of the corner of my eyes. Her face showed mostly encouragement, but there was a hint of disappointment in it as well. I think she was kind of nervous to start school without me, too, but there was always lunch and in between classes that we'd see each other, right? Maybe we could take some of the same electives, too.

That proved to not be a possibility when our schedules were printed and given to us just as we were walking out of the door. We tried our best to pick classes that we'd end up in together, but as promised, I was placed into all sophomore level classes, even for electives. And since our last names were so far apart from each other in the alphabet, we didn't have the same lunch period either. It'd pretty much be impossible to see each other during the day. 

"That sucks." Mei said on the car ride home. "You could ride my bus home though, so you can stay at our house until your dad gets off of work." she suggested. I nodded, smiling despite the feeling in my stomach that told me to frown. Xiao Mei was the only reason I thought of going back to school in the first place; she was one of my closest friends. If I wasn't going to be around her at all during the school day, I was apprehensive of how I'd be treated by my peers. 

We went back to school September first. 

I woke up early in the morning with my dad at my bed side. He had a cup of tea for me and a piece of toast that was, surprisingly, not burnt, smothered in butter and strawberry jam. It wasn't even a little burnt around the edges. I was stunned that my dad was able to do this, taking it happily from him. I bit into the toast while I was still underneath my blankets, and took a sip of my earl grey shortly afterward. 

"Good morning." dad finally said, handing me my glasses. I put them on and smiled at him. 

"Good morning." I recited. 

"I would drive you to school, since it's on the way to my work, but Mei insists on the two of you walking there. Yao will be dropping her off soon." he went on to say, getting underneath the covers with me since he was still in his pajamas too.  
  
I leaned on his shoulder and closed my eyes again. I was still really tired and never succeeded in repairing my damaged sleep schedule over the summer. 

"If you ever need anything, just call me at work or call Yao at home. I'm within walking distance of the school, you know." dad told me, wrapping his arm around me. "Even if you're just feeling a bit nervous, I'll come and get you. I don't want you to be afraid of school like you were when you were younger." 

I thanked him, giving him a hug before he left the room to get dressed for work. I stood from my bed after I finished my toast and located my clothes, which were ironed and folded neatly over my computer chair. I changed into the school's uniform; a long sleeved white collared shirt with black slacks and a black blazer to wear over it. You also had to wear a tie with it which could be red or blue.  
  
It was interesting to say the least. My middle school hadn't had uniforms, and I usually just wore a t-shirt and jeans to school everyday. 

Within a few minutes, Xiao Mei peeked her head into my room. She was wearing the female variant of the uniform, which was exactly the same except with a plaid skirt to wear instead of slacks. She smiled at me when she saw that I was ready to go. 

"Morning!" she said to me before she stepped into my room and pulled me out of it with her.  
  
We stood in the living room with Yao and dad before us. We were all dressed for school and work respectively save for Yao, who was officially retired. Leon was dressed too, although his school didn't have uniforms and he wore a minecraft t-shirt with jean shorts and sneakers. He made it clear he wouldn't be walking with us, but riding in the car with my dad instead.

They smiled at us. Yao stepped to the side, holding the front door open for us. 

"You two have a good day." he called. We walked out of the door and continued along the sidewalk, where tons of other kids were already walking down in uniforms identical to ours. Xiao Mei stayed at my side, chatting up little things until she saw a girl nearby. Her face lit up as she pointed to her. 

"That's my friend, Michelle!" she said excitedly under his breath.  
  
The girl she was pointing to had long black hair tied into twin tails with two bright red ribbons. She was holding a smaller kid's hand who didn't resemble her at all and was not in uniform; he was probably a middle schooler.  
  
Mei called out to her, and she and the kid whose hand she was holding turned to us. The girl smiled at Mei and let go of the boy's hand, who was left standing there, looking confused. 

"Mei!" she called out. She had a french accent, which reminded me of somebody I met last Christmas. Michelle and Mei ran up to each other and hugged tightly, and I walked over to them, too, smiling. I looked past them and realized that the middle school kid was Matthew, the boy who had saved me from getting hit by a car that Christmas. 

"Hey, Matt!" I said excitedly. He blushed and looked away from me, holding tightly to the straps of his back pack. 

"You know Matthew?" Mei and Michelle asked in unison. 

Michelle introduced him formerly as her brother, turning back to look at him. 

Matthew and I ended up walking alone, Michelle and Mei having run off to meet with their other friends I guess. I was a little hurt that Xiao Mei abandoned me like that, but I couldn't blame her for wanting to be with her friends after not having seen them for an entire summer. 

The middle school came before the high school did, so I walked Matthew up to the entrance. He seemed even more nervous than I was for school, even though he'd already been going there for two years. He had told me that he was bullied a lot, too, because of his accent and because he was so shy. 

"You'll be okay, Matthew. I promise." I reassured him. "If anybody messes with you just ignore them." it was quite a piece of advice to give, considering i was never able to do it myself. But really felt for him. I understood how he was feeling then. He nodded, though, as he played with the edge of his shirt. 

"Goodbye, Alfred." he muttered bashfully, allowing himself to look up at me. He smiled.

"Have a good day!" I said, gently ushering him inside of the school and waving to him before he turned to walk to wherever his class was. 

I turned back around myself to see the sidewalk in front of the school.  
  
It wasn't filled with as many kids as there were before, maybe one or two, walking in herds like wild animals. I scratched the back of my head nervously as I started toward my own school again.  
  
A raindrop fell on my glasses. I looked up at the sky as I wiped off the lenses on my blazer.  

" **HEY!! Watch out**!" some kid screamed at me.  
  
He ran toward me and jumped on me, sending me to the ground. I landed on my back with him ontop of me, staring up at the sky, my glasses in my hand still. I felt shards of glass digging into the skin of my hand and knew that they had shattered on impact with the ground. It took me a few moments to realize what had happened; I had walked into the road while a car was coming again, only this time it wasn't a car that was speeding off and honking at me; it was a large truck.  
  
"You're gonna get yourself killed if you don't watch where you're going!" the boy who had saved me said, getting off of me. He grabbed my hand and helped me up. 

He had white hair and dark red eyes, which startled me quite a bit. I would have thought he was some kind of angel of death or something had he not been wearing my school's uniform.  

"Th-th-thanks." I muttered, shaking where I stood. I couldn't believe that I'd allowed myself to have another near death experience less than a year away from the last one. 

"You're a mess." he said to me, putting his hands on his hips and pointing out that I was now sopping wet from water in the puddle I'd landed in, dirt all over my pants and shoes, my glasses shattered in my hand, which was now dripping with blood. "And you're late for school. Come with me." the guy said, pulling me along like a dog on a leash toward the school. He took me straight to the nurses's office, where she tried her best to clean up my uniform and picked out the tiny shards of glass that had embedded into my skin. Once she'd finished, she disinfected the wound and wrapped it in bandages, handing me my broken glasses with a frown on her face. Even after the school bell had rung, the kid who saved me never left my side, he just stood over me, an unreadable look in his eyes. 

"Sorry, but you're going to have to get new lenses. Luckily, we don't do much work on the first day of school so you should be alright without them." she explained to me, spinning around in her chair toward the computer on her desk. She dialed my dad's phone number to let him know what happened, talking to him on the phone as she filled out tardy slips for my savior and I. "Hold on a moment," she said to dad as she put the phone down and looked back at us. "What's your first period, Kirkland?" 

"Uhh, it's geometry." I said as I struggled to remember my teacher's name. I had to hand her my schedule and she wrote the name down herself. 

"I have that class too. We'll just go together and use the same pass." the kid said, his arms crossed over his chest. "Last name is Bielschmidt." 

"Could you spell that for me?" the teacher asked, a bemused expression on her face. 

I found myself walking down the hallway with the german kid close at my side, towering over me. I thought I was getting bigger, but compared to him I was nothing. 

"My first name's Gilbert. Your name is Alfred, right? Are you new here? I didn't see you here last year." he suddenly bombarded me with questions. I nodded to him. 

"I... went to a different school last year." I lied, not wanting anyone to know that I **a)** skipped a grade and **b)** did online school for all of middle school. 

"Well it's good you met me. Everybody loves me so nobody will mess with you about being the new kid." Gilbert declared matter-of-factly, tucking his thumbs inside of his pockets and walking with his chin up in the air. I raised a brow as I looked up at him, snickering. Somebody was certainly confident in themselves.  
  
I wondered if people really did like him as much as he said when we approached our classroom. I peeked inside and froze. Everybody was already sitting in their seats, the teacher at the front of the room already teaching... how embarrassing was it to show up late on the very first day of school and have to stand up in front of everyone as we handed the teacher our pass from the nurse's office. Gilbert brought his hand against my back suddenly, very hard, knocking the wind out of me. 

"Don't be nervous. You'll be fine. You can sit next to me." 

He then tugged me by my jacket sleeve into the classroom with him. Our teacher stopped his lecture and stared at us expectantly. 

"Wow, Gilbert's late for class. What a shocker." A girl with long brown hair in the front row said loudly, causing the entire class to laugh. Gilbert stood snarling at the girl as he shoved the slip of paper into the teacher's hand. It took the guy a second to uncrumple it and read it. 

"You guys can sit anywhere you want, then." he said cheerfully after a while, setting the paper on his desk and turning back to the board where he was writing the Pythagorean theorem. Gilbert dragged me to the very back row with him. I tried to protest; I wouldn't be able to see from that far away, but he insisted that I sit with him. 

Turns out Gilbert and I had every class together except my Japanese class. He proceeded to drag me around with him all day. I felt like my arm was gonna fall out of its socket with how hard he was tugging me along, introducing me to all of his friends. I was exhausted by the end of the day, and sat in my Japanese class with a placid smile on my face at finally having a break from him. Don't get me wrong, he was cool. But I had gone so long without having to be social like that that it took a lot out of me. I finally got to seat myself in the front row so I could see. We all filled out little info cards about ourselves and stood up and explained why we were taking Japanese. 

"Well," I said as I stood there, still smiling even as I was put on the spot. "I'm taking Japanese because a friend I had once spoke it." I decided was a good explanation. I talked about Kiku briefly without mentioning his name.  
  
My teacher smiled at me, glad that my reason wasn't so I could watch anime without subtitles like the kid next to me had said.


	19. Chapter 19

"School... carnival?" I asked nervously. Gilbert was standing in front of me, waiting patiently for me to answer his question, but I wasn't sure if I was hearing him correctly. I was blushing like crazy at how close he was to me, one arm leaning against the locker behind me and the other tucked into his pants pocket.   
  
It had been about three months since school first started and Gilbert had quickly become one of the best friends I'd ever had. Or at least I thought he was just my friend. The look in his eyes and the pink color of his cheeks said otherwise. He smirked at me. 

"You want me to go on a  _date_  with you?" I finally spat out, shocked. I didn't take Gilbert for the type to like other boys, or anyone but himself, really.

"You heard me." he chuckled under his breath, his face nearing mine. I wanted to shove him away. I was still in love with Kiku. I wanted to tell him I had a boyfriend, but I didn't think he'd buy it considering I never once told him about Kiku in the entire time we'd known each other. 

I was silent, staring down at my feet at a loss for words. I wanted Kiku to suddenly become a real person and come and get Gilbert away from me. I blushed as I imagined how jealous Kiku would probably be if he knew about this... 

Gilbert took my blushing as a " _yes_ ", cause then he smiled at me and laughed, pressing his lips swiftly against my burning cheek. I tried not to visibly cringe. 

"I'll pick you up at your house Friday night." he said, winking at me before he started down the hallway. 

I literally had no words. I tried to say  _ **NO**_ , no way would I go out with you! But I was afraid of the kind of reaction I'd get from him if I said that. I liked him a lot; he was a good friend, even if he was self centered and obnoxious most of the time, when it came down to it, he gave his undivided attention to his friends and loved ones and helped it out as best as he could. I didn't want to lose him. I don't know what I could have possibly done to make him like me; he'd seen milk come out of my nose because I was laughing so hard, and we regularly talked about gross stuff, like _friends_ would. But somehow he had feelings for me which stretched beyond what I felt for him. Why did he have to go and make things awkward like that? 

"We have to move. " I said to my dad that night at dinner. He had ordered Chinese and we were sitting at the breakfast table. He was fixing my plate for me when I told him that we had to leave the country and go back to England. 

He laughed at me. How could he laugh when I was being so serious? 

"What do you mean we have to move? What happened at school today?" he asked me, sounding playful as he sat his plate down in front of me. I was not hungry. I was ready to leave; I already had my bags packed in my room. 

" _Gilbert_ has a _crush_ on me." I stated gravely, poking at my orange chicken with a dull look in my eyes. Dad looked like he was about to bust a gut from laughing, the corners of his mouth quivering as he tried to hold it back. 

"You're _quite_ the babe magnet aren't you, son?" he joked, finally realeasing his laughter. He mocked me. I didn't appreciate that. 

" **THIS ISN'T FUNNY DAD HE'S GROSS AND WEIRD AND I DON'T WANNA BE HIS BOYFRIEND**." I cried, moving my plate away and banging my head on the tabletop. "He asked me on a DATE. He said he's picking me up on Friday. He knows where we live." I emphasized the last part, my eyes wide as I sat up and looked at dad. "We have to move. I've packed my luggage." 

"Luggage? You're bonkers. You're going to have to put all of that away after dinner, you know." 

I couldn't believe that he wasn't going to let us move. I was getting desperate. It was already Wednesday night so my date was fast approaching if I didn't do something to get out of it quick. 

"I'm moving in with Yao." 

"No you aren't. Stop being crazy. " 

" _I'M RUNNING AWAY_ \--" 

"Gilbert will find you no matter where you go. " he joked with me, lowering his voice and smirking at me. I screamed and buried my face in my hands as he laughed. "But in all seriousness, just tell him you don't like him like that." 

"GREAT ADVICE, DAD, YOU SHOULD BE A COUNSELOR." 

I stood from the table and ran to my room, falling on my bed and burying my face into the mattress. I was defeated. I had no idea what I was supposed to do to get Gilbert away from me. I hugged a pillow to my chest, falling to the floor and leaning against my bed. My eyes shot up to my wall, which was by then filled with pictures I'd drawn of Kiku. I whined under my breath.

"Please make him go away." I sighed, knowing it was hopeless. 

He sent me notes ALL DAY LONG in class on Thursday, calling me gross pet names that I hated. _Babe?_ Really? I was appalled. Didn't he know anything about charming people? He needed to be more like Kiku and call my sweet things, not stuff like that. I kept all of his notes at my desk. I didn't respond to them, and I'd even let him see me throw them away after class but even that didn't help deflate his swelling ego. The smirk never left his face as he followed me from class to class. He tried to put his arm around me at lunch and I made a loud gagging noise, but that didn't discourage him. 

He cupped my cheek with his free hand after I'd made the noise, pulling me in close to his face and staring at me with a look of concern in his ruby eyes. 

"What's wrong?" he asked me, his voice deeper all of a sudden. I wiggled out of his grasp and fell to the floor, crawling underneath the table and curling in on myself. He knelt down on the floor and tried to console me, but I blocked him out. 

Friday finally came and I tried to convince dad to let me stay home from school. I would have pretended to be sick, but he knew better. I'd pulled that so many times in elementary and middle school that he could recognize my fake coughs and sneezes from the next town over. 

"So today's the big day, huh, _stud?_ " he teased me as he put his tie on in front of the bathroom mirror. I stood beside him and put my tie on too, screwing my face up and making myself look nauseous when he said that. 

" **Shut up dad**." I spat coldly, taking my tie off just to hit his arm with it. I walked out of the front door and into the cold winter air, shutting it behind me and spinning around on my heel. I screamed and fell backward against the door, sliding down until my butt was on the icy cold porch. I panted as I looked up at Gilbert, who was standing there, smiling at me. 

"Mornin'." he laughed, reaching his hand out to help me up. "Happy to see me?" 

I sighed, putting my gloved hands over my face and groaning loudly. I could hear my dad laughing from inside of the house. 

I stood but said nothing as I walked alongside him. He just casually went on, talking about everything we would have normally talked about, asking me if he could copy my homework for geometry because he "didn't have time to do it" the night before, when really we both new he was probably up late playing on the xbox or something. He also needed to copy my homework for chemistry, but this time he was more honest about it. 

"I just don't understand it." he said, the smirk fading temporarily from his face and being replaced with a pout. The look of disgust on my face finally changed as well, but he kept talking before I suggest that we just skip the carnival "date" tonight and he come to my house so I could tutor him instead. "When I think of chemistry, I think of what you and I have." he smiled, and I could have sworn I detected a hint of nervousness in it. I mentally screamed at how cheesy that was for someone who prided themselves on being smooth and cool all the time. "Not chemical equations and shit." 

"Dude." I murmured under my breath before I pulled my scarf up to my nose to hide the blush that was creeping up onto my face. I felt secondhand embarrassment for him, and firsthand embarrassment for myself because I was the one he'd said it to. I rolled my eyes and elbowed him in the side. He chuckled nervously. 

"How about instead of just copying me, I help you with it?" I continued, trying to change the subject. "Chemistry isn't hard. It's just hard for you because you don't pay attention in class. I could tutor you after school." 

Gilbert smiled at the suggestion after he thought it over. 

"Yeah. We could do that after our date." he declared happily, nodding his head. He'd already decided that this was the game plan. "Well anyways, we should hurry up or we'll be late for class." he stated out of the blue. I tried to figure out why he was suddenly concerned with being late for class when he ordinarily didn't care at all about school or being punctual when I realized he just used that as an excuse to hold my hand. He grabbed onto it and started running for the school doors, pulling me along after him. 

Before I knew it, the school day was over and I was collecting my things from my desk in my Japanese class. I wanted to leave the school as soon as possible so that Gilbert wouldn't try to walk me home or _worse_ ; drag me to his house with him. I'd been to his house before; I met his brother and his grandfather and they were both really nice. But now that Gilbert had made his feelings for me quite clear I could imagine how awkward it would be to face his family again. I swung my backpack over my shoulder and hurried out of the room after the rest of my classmates. I was ready to bolt for the door when I saw a familiar looking kid with curly hair, trudging the halls, struggling to carry a big box filled to the brim with food. 

"Matthew! What are you doing here?" I called out to him, rushing over to him and relieving him of his baggage. 

"Hi, Alfred!" he said, sighing in relief once I'd taken the food from him. He stood straight then. His hair was tied back into a pony tail like his father's usually was and he looked like he was wearing some type of uniform with a color scheme that mimicked the French flag. "I'm here to help my dad and my sister with the carnival. We have a booth that we're going to sell food at..." he blushed furiously when he looked down at his outfit. "They made me dress up as the Little Prince for it." 

I laughed under my breath, hiding my face behind the box so that Matthew couldn't see me. 

"That's really cool, dude! Where are you taking this box to? I'll carry it for you." 

"Thank you, Alfred. I was taking it to the courtyard. They're setting up the booth there." 

I followed Matthew in the direction opposite my escape route. I didn't want to rush him, but I ended up walking ahead of him as fast as I could to avoid Gilbert, who was probably walking toward my Japanese class to get me. Matthew held the door for me and my eyes fell upon the courtyard, where various club members were already gathered to help set up. I saw the French club booth out of the corner of my eye. Francis was standing wearing his uniform that he wore at his bakery, and the French club members were huddled around him in their club shirts helping him prep the booth for cooking and baking. Francis looked over to Matthew and I and smiled, walking over to me and taking the box full of food from me. 

"Hello again. Thank you for helping Matthieu." he murmured before he went back behind the stand. He clapped his hands, and when he did, all of the French club members dropped what they were doing and walked out from behind the booth, standing in a line in front of it. "He barked something at them in French, and they all stood around, confused and worried when they couldn't figure out what he had said. He repeated the command more slowly, and they all finally nodded in silent agreement after looking at each other and ran off into the school to go and get whatever Francis had told them to get. Matthew stood beside me, chuckling the whole time. 

Michelle popped up from behind the booth and set a mixing bowl on the counter with a whisk inside it. Francis thanked her and began pouring ingredients for some type of sweet inside of it. 

"Do you want to stay and help us cook, Alfred?" Matthew asked me hopefully, smiling. I shook my head _no_ , patting his hair down absently. 

"No, sorry. I have to get home." I said. The smile faded from Matthew's face as his disappointment sank in. "I'm actually trying to hide from someone... otherwise, I'd definitely wanna stay and help you guys." that seemed to make him feel a little better and he nodded in understanding. 

"Does that mean you're not coming to the carnival, though?" he asked me then. "We're making all kinds of sweets. You'll miss out if you don't come!" 

"Who are you trying to hide from? Are they bothering you? I'll kick their ass." I heard a deep voice murmur into my ear. I shivered, my eyes going wide as I felt arms wrap around me. Matthew stood before me, dumbfounded. "And he _is_ coming to the carnival with _me_ tonight." 

I knew I should have just ran from the school when I had had the chance. I pushed Gilbert away from me, wriggling away from him and standing behind Matthew. I put my hands on his shoulders, using him as a sort of human shield. Gilbert was looking peeved, his arms crossed over his chest. 

"I was looking all over for you. I wanted to walk you home..." he said, slightly irritated. "Did you want to leave so quickly because of this person that's bothering you?" 

I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was the one that I was trying to get away from, but he should have been able to piece it together. Even Matthew understood, and he was years his junior. The kid in front of me had a grave look on his face as he drew the sword that was a part of his costume from its sheath. He turned and placed it in my hands. 

"You need this more than I do." he whispered, nodding, his eyes closed. He gave me a hug then. " _Bon courage, Alfred! À bientôt_." and ran back to the booth, leaving with Gilbert and trembling hands that struggled to maintain their grasp on my newly acquired plastic sword. 

Gilbert smiled at the sword in my hands. 

"He's cute. If I didn't know any better I'd say you were brothers." he murmured before he shook his head and remembered that he was supposed to be upset with me for not telling him that I was being harassed by somebody. The smile faded from his face and he walked in front of me, pulling me into his arms. "Tell me if this guy bothers you again, okay? I won't let anyone mess with you!" he declared. I wriggled out of his arms again and held the plastic sword out to him. It bumped him the chest and bent sideways. I withdrew my weapon with a bemused expression on my face. Gilbert looked confused for a moment before he laughed and grabbed my hand, leading me away from the courtyard and starting on his way to walk me home. 

We walked in relative silence. He held my hand, and I no longer had the energy to try and pull it away from him. I was just glad that most of the other students had either already walked home or had stayed at school to help with the carnival and weren't there to laugh at us. We got to my house and dad wasn't off of work yet, so I fumbled around in my pockets for a few long moments before I found my key. The whole time I was terrified that it wouldn't there and Gilbert would insist that I go and stay with him until my dad came home, which meant I'd have to be at Gilbert's house until seven pm. That sounded horrifying. 

"Who is that?" he asked me, referring to the pictures of Kiku that were pinned to my bedroom wall. Some were just regular pictures of him in various outfits, and some were panels of the comic that I was making starring him. I had been working on the project for months then. He walked up to one of the panels and eyed it curiously. He turned away from it with a frown. "Why do you draw him kissing this character that looks like you?" he growled under his breath. 

I felt my cheeks heat up. 

"Uhh, what're you talking about, dude? That character looks nothing like me." I dismissed him with a wave of my hand and looked back down to what I'd been drawing. I blushed even more when I realized I was drawing another picture of Kiku and I together. Gilbert was nearing me and I threw it across the room so he wouldn't see it and continue his interrogation of me. 

"What's wrong with you? Why are you being so squeamish around me all of a sudden?" he asked me, raising a brow. He pulled a chair up to my computer desk and sat in it backwards in front of me, a serious look of concern in his eyes. "I'm not gonna try anything weird on you if that's what you're worried about." he laughed. I laughed along with him, but it sounding creepy and forced and it made him look at me with even more worry. "Are you nervous about our date tonight? I know I'm you first boyfriend. You must be nervous." he reasoned with himself, not waiting for me to answer him. 

Gilbert wasn't my first boyfriend. And even if he was my boyfriend, he wasn't my first. Kiku was. God, I missed Kiku so much. My eyes trailed to my computer screen. My desk top background was a picture that I had drawn of Kiku, in his uniform from the game and wielding a samurai sword. Gilbert followed my gaze, trying to read me, trying his very best to understand what I was feeling. He must have really liked me. He reached for my hand and pulled me closer to him, kissing my cheek and making me freeze.

"You don't have to be nervous. It'll be like it always is, except now I call you my boyfriend so other people don't try and snatch you from me." he winked at me. My face was stoic as I stared at him. 

By six pm, the sun was setting, its rays no longer shining brightly into my room and warming my bed that I was laying on, looking through my sketchbook at all of the pictures I had drawn of Kiku and mentally apologizing to him for getting myself into this mess with Gilbert, who was at my desk watching game walk throughs on my laptop. He stood suddenly and smiled at me, walking over to my bed and laying ontop of my sideways, trapping my legs underneath him.

"You ready to go?" he asked me. Once again, he didn't wait for me to answer before he stood from the bed, taking me up with him and leading me out of my bedroom. I had a chance to look back at one last time; the way my blue comforter lay slightly wrinkled atop my bed, the walls filled with my drawings of Kiku, and my laptop sitting on my desk wide open, never to be closed by me again. I had this weird feeling stirring in my chest. I didn't close the door as I walked with Gilbert out of the house. 

The whole walk to the carnival, the sky looked beautiful, painted with the usual deep orange colors of the sunset. It was peaceful. The street lamps slowly flicked on the more the sunlight faded from the sky. Soon, the white glow from the moon shone above us. But the feeling in my chest and stomach remained all the while. I was afraid of something. I stopped walking for a moment, causing Gilbert to look down at me. 

"Alfred?" he asked me. I didn't respond. I looked up into his eyes and studied him closely. Why was I so afraid? It was as though I wanted Gilbert to be the reason I was scared, but he wasn't. "Are you okay?" he whispered, shocked when I wrapped my arms around him. I held onto him, fighting back tears. 

"You're my best friend, Gilbert." I whispered, my voice muffled by his jacket. We stood engulfed in the cool night air. His hands rested on top of my back, and he rested his chin on top of my head. He could tell that i was really close to crying, but he didn't know if they were tears from anxiety, fear, or happiness, and he didn't want to make the wrong guess. 

"You're mine, Al." he said gently. He pulled me away from him, keeping me at an arm's length. "If you're really nervous, I will take you home. We don't have to go to the carnival." 

"No, I want to go." I whispered, wiping the tears away from my eyes. I forced a smile. He smiled sympathetically at me and held my hands in his own.

"Just let me know if you feel like going home. Don't worry about it." he said softly.

When we got to the school courtyard, it was illuminated pleasantly by all different colors of lights. The booths were fully set up. There was a water tank that people were being dunked into and a carousel in the middle of it all. Various games were being played by the people that were there. Overall it was a nice, relaxing atmosphere, but I couldn't relax the whole time I was there. I held tightly onto Gilbert's hand, still maintaining my smile as he led me over to a game booth. 

A bunch of empty bottles were set up inside of it and he bought a few balls to try and knock them down with. He gave three to himself and three to me. He went first, putting on an elaborate show as he prepped himself to through the ball and wound up missing all three times. Despite the nervousness brewing in my stomach I laughed at him. He was muttering all kinds of curse words under his breath, and the lady standing next in line (the mother of two very young children) slapped him on the shoulder and told him to knock it off, making me laugh harder. 

"You try, then!" he said in mock annoyance, thrusting the baseballs toward me. I took one into my hand and hurled it at the stacked bottles, knocking all of them down on the first try. He stood with his jaw hanging open in disbelief, and the student running the booth laughed at him. 

"Choose your prize!" she encouraged me. Above the booth was a row of toys, ranging from tiny toy cars and play cellphones to large stuffed animals. I picked the ugliest stuffed animal in my opinion; a fat, pink unicorn covered in purple and white sequins and gold glitter. The student handed it to me and I shoved it into Gilbert's arms, promptly strolling away from the booth, bursting into laughter when I heard Gilbert curse loudly at me, and then screech in pain when the woman standing behind us whacked him in the face with her purse. 

I walked up to the French club booth, where Francis was chatting with various people and handing out free samples of sweets and other foods that he sold at his bakery. Matthew stood behind the booth as well as Michelle, and he sort of hid behind her, not liking being showered with attention by the older people. 

"So cute!" they'd say and crowd around him, playing with his hair and asking him all sorts of questions. Students a bit older than me shrieked whenever he spoke, his accent evident in his tone, because he usually had trouble hiding it whenever he got nervous. I rushed over to the booth and ducked behind it, pushing past the female students and picking up Matthew in a hug. I spun him around before I set him back on his feet again. He was startled at first, but he was relieved to see me. His purple eyes shone with gratitude when the people around him began to flee. 

I sat in a chair behind the booth beside Michelle, pulling Matthew beside me, and laughed as the three of us watched Gilbert frantically search the courtyard for me. I hid in the booth for a few more moments before Gilbert spotted me hiding myself behind Francis and ran to us, about ready to push me out of my chair and scold me for hiding from him like that. 

"What was I supposed to tell your dad? That I lost you?" he growled at me. He opened his mouth to say more but I shoved a chocolate covered croissant into his mouth so that he couldn't. 

I was having fun. I stepped out from behind the booth and I was attacked by Gilbert. He grabbed me and spun me around like I had did to Matthew, and I couldn't help but laugh as he did. His face was as red as his eyes from both anger and embarrassment and he when he set me down on my feet, he was even more red. 

He pressed his lips against mine to silence me. His cheeks were burning as they came into contact with my own. I felt my blood boiling underneath my skin. I was too afraid to pull away. Was this what I had been fearing was going to happen all night? That feeling of anxiety was back, plaguing my body. He pulled away from me, his eyes glazed over as he looked into my own which were filled with fear. He came out of his reverie, worried that he had done something horribly, horribly wrong to me. He hadn't in reality, he didn't do anything wrong; he thought we were boyfriends and he thought that we were on a date. What was so wrong with kissing your date? 

That kiss was my first. I had kissed Kiku in my dreams before, and though they meant the world to me, they were not tangible and my actual lips remained untouched by another person's. And now they were burning and tasted like chocolate because Gilbert had kissed them. I was horrified. 

"I'm sorry, Alfred, I didn't realize-" Gilbert began as I started to cry. I sobbed. Gilbert looked ashamed in himself for causing me to feel this way, but he shouldn't have been. He didn't deserve to feel so bad about kissing me. He had no idea he was doing anything wrong. He didn't know I didn't return his feelings for me. He didn't know about Kiku. And there I was making him feel like a piece of trash for his ignorance. 

"It's okay." I choked out, confusing him. I looked at him and that at the booth, where Francis stood. He set his stuff down and came toward us. 

"Why are you crying, Alfred?" he asked me. I shook my head. 

"It's okay." I repeated helplessly. I knew I was confusing everyone. I didn't want to be there anymore. I was utterly terrified.  

"Alfred, what are you talking about?" but I didn't have time to answer for him before I bolted in the other direction with the intent of leaving the school grounds.

" **Alfred**! _Come back!_ Don't wander off on your own!" Francis shouted at me, but I didn't care anymore.

I kept running, without any idea of where I was going. 

I found myself far away from the school when I finally came to my senses. I stood in front of a small patch of woods. I didn't know where I was, I just knew that I was devastated. I was glad to be away from everything, away from all that was troubling me, but it didn't change the fact that I had been kissed by someone who I didn't want to be kissed by. That I was in love with someone who was long gone. The relief that I had felt at being away from the carnival was quickly replaced with that feeling of sadness again, sadness that was eating away at me from the inside. I ran again, tears in my eyes. The sound of my feet padding on pavement was all I heard for a while. I turned to the left and ran, intending to walk on the other sidewalk. 

A horn sounded, interrupting my thoughts. I stood still in my spot, which I failed to realized was the road because I was too busy staring at the sidewalk across from me. The sound of the horn got louder and I turned to see a car just a few inches away from me. 

I didn't hear anything else after that. When I opened my eyes, the black sky greeted me rather than the sidewalk or the car. My head was wet, and so was my chin as a hot liquid seeped down it. Someone sat beside me, asking me questions that I couldn't comprehend in this state, all except one. 

"Are you okay!?" they asked. 

"Yeah, I'm okay." I choked out. I wasn't in pain, so I said I was okay.

I closed my eyes, just for a second, just to rest them, the glow of the moon too bright for me. 

"No, _please_! Stay with me!" the person said. 

 _I am right here._.. I thought. _I **am** with you_. 

I tried to open my eyes again, but they were glued shut.

I never opened them again.


	20. Chapter 20

I assumed the laptop's battery had died when I opened my eyes to see that Alfred and Yao and Leon were no longer in front of me.  

So I waited. I waited patiently, glued to my spot, because I was sure that Alfred would have shot up from his own to and go retrieve his laptop battery so they could continue to talk with me. 

_I believed in him._

So long had passed. So long I spent staring at the palms of my hands, studying all the creases and folds with intent. My heart had calmed. My tears had stopped. 

 _Where are they?_ I wondered when night fell in the game. And then I wondered if they would ever be coming back. _No, I can't burden myself with that kind of thinking._

I stood from my spot finally, staring back at it one last time before I went to sleep. I kept telling myself that they would come back, because if I didn't, I knew I wouldn't have been able to sleep. 

_They'll be here when I wake up._

I told myself this every night before I went to bed for what felt like years, and every morning that I woke up, they were not there.

So then I awaited Alfred in my dreams. 

Every night I would dream of that same cleared patch in the forest, sitting on a log by the pond. I waited to hear the sweet sound of Alfred's humming fill my ears and fill my heart with a feeling of adoration and love. I waited to see his face as he crept around the corner change from content to complete happiness. I longed to feel him in my arms, holding onto me tightly. I wanted nothing more than to feel his soft lips upon my own and taste their sweetness. 

Soon, when I woke up every day from dreams filled with empty hopes, I cried. 

Every time I woke up I had tears in my eyes because I knew that waiting for him was hopeless. Perhaps he would never come. Perhaps he had grown tired of me... 

But those sorts of thoughts were ridiculous and did nothing but burden me with an indescribable feeling of sadness. I didn't need to be telling myself that Alfred got sick of me. It didn't fit with the situation. 

My last memory of him was him having that fearful look in his eyes. What was he afraid of? It didn't settle with me. I wanted to remember him for what he truly was; vibrant, bubbly, his soft blue eyes filled happiness and energy. And instead I remembered him being scared and nervous about something. It wasn't fair. If I had known that would be the last time I'd get to see Alfred I would have tried to do something to make him smile. I craved his smile more than anything at those moments that I found tears trailing down my cheeks. 

I never once believed that Alfred wasn't real, though the notion was tempting. Maybe i had just imagined him out of grief and loneliness. After all, he was perfect. Maybe I created him to help fill the void in my heart. He was just some character I had made as my perfect match, wasn't he? I considered it, but I never accepted it as fact. Alfred was very real in my heart and mind. I didn't create him. Somebody like me couldn't even dream of someone so wonderful, and I would be flattering myself if I thought that I made him up. 

My sadness was replaced with a feel of content over time, though. I felt like things were alright with Alfred, wherever he was and whatever he was doing. Things were looking up for him. 

I hoped selfishly that he missed me. But would mentally chastise myself for thoughts and hopes like that. He needed to be happy. He shouldn't have to miss me and be filled with sadness whenever he remembered me. Alfred deserved all of the happiness in the world. 

I shouldn't have been upset at the thought of him, either. I should be filled with joy that I had ever met such an amazing human being. His image in my mind should bring me nothing but giddiness and plaster a grin onto my face for the rest of the day. Even if I didn't leave him on good terms, there were so many other times that we had together that I could be thinking about instead of our last one. What about first time meeting each other? The first time we realized that we had been seeing each other in our dreams? The first time he'd kissed me? The moment that he confessed his feelings for me, and the moment that I did the same... and I was dwelling on the last one?

I lived peacefully in the game then.

Alfred was always on my mind; when I was wandering into town, when I was roaming the meadows and picking up chrysanthemums, even when I was thrusting my knife deep into the bodies of the faceless creatures. Cheerful memories of Alfred plagued my brain through it all. I remembered there was a time that I had difficulty showing expressions on my face, but then all I could ever do was smile. Why wouldn't I smile when my heart is filled with his light? That void I felt before I met him now had a brightly shining sun inside of it that warmed me to my core. 

Time went on.

The noberu attacks were beginning to bore me and there wasn't much to do in the towns. Curiously, though, new items were available for purchase in them and I bought a notebook that resembled the ones that Alfred used to draw in. I took up drawing myself. 

I was very bad at it for a long while. I would try to draw him, but it would always just come out as a blob with a pair of glasses and a piece of hair sticking up from its head. It looked like a mochi. 

I got better with practice though, and soon I found my own drawings resembling Alfred very closely. I would hang them along the walls of my small home. I eventually started drawing the two of us together, and I would lay in my bed every morning after I woke up and simply stare at them. I daydreamed of him, of us being together again... it was bliss for me to be able to conjure up various scenarios with him and I in it in my mind. 

Peculiar things began to happen in the village. 

One day when I left my home with the intent of purchasing more notebooks and ink to make drawings with, the shop keeper sparked up a conversation with me. 

"Good morning." he said. "You looking to buy some paper? Two packs for just 500 yen." 

I wasn't sure what yen was. For as long as I could remember the only currency we used in the game was golden coins. And never before had the shop keeper deviated from his usual greeting of "What would you like to purchase today?" 

"Forgive me, but I don't know what yen is." I told the man, and his sighed and shook his head. 

"Oh, of course. I meant gold. Let's see... it'd be 3 gold coins for two packs of paper." 

I nodded and handed him the coins that I was carrying in my parcel. I took the paper from him as well as a few bottles of ink and put them into my bag, turning from the stand, dumbfounded at the way the man was speaking. I paused and took a look at the village, feeling something off about it. 

 _New faces?_  

There were so many new people. I had never seen a woman with curly, light brown hair before, and her eyes were bright green. Beside her stood a man towering over the rest of the people in the village, which was strange because most characters in the game were shorter than I was. They were all chatting happily with each other, their speech patterns mimicking Alfred's and Yao's, and everyone else that I had ever heard speak from Alfred's world. 

On my walk home, I passed my many huts and houses that I had never seen before. They were multiplying each day, and more new faces began to line the streets, less and less noberu attacks were occurring, and before I knew it they weren't around at all. Two homes sprouted up beside mine in the time that I was in the village with people inside of them, talking happily, cooking and cleaning, children playing... I smiled to myself as I sat inside of my hut with my pictures, drawing to my heart's content, even painting some of the pictures that I had drawn of Alfred. 

A child poked her head inside of my hut one evening. 

"Hi, mister." she said. She spoke English, which startled me. 

"H-hello, there..." I spluttered, setting down my paint brushes and turning to face her. 

"My momma wanted me to tell you that we're having a town meeting soon." 

"Town meeting?" I said, confused. I supposed the villagers were more acquainted with each other then and wanted to establish some sort of government. I was intrigued, so I thanked the little girl for telling me that this was happening. I slipped on a pair of boots and wandered away from my neighborhood, into the main town were a man in a green kimono stood on a podium and other members of the community sat in rows of chairs before him. 

"We are electing a governer." he announced, speaking loudly so that all of us could hear. I sat in the very back row of chairs and watched, amused by this. What was the point in having a governor in the game? 

"I think it should be whoever has been here the longest." a woman standing beside the podium voiced her opinion, and many people in the audience nodded in agreement. 

"Who has been here the longest, Nagayama-san?" the woman asked, turning to look up at the man in the green kimono. He held a scroll before him, looking through it until he set it down and looked at the crowd. 

"I have a list of the names of all of us in this city in the scroll, the first being the most recent to arrive, and the last being the first to arrive." he explained to us.

I sat up in my chair, my eyes wide. Why did I feel as though he was going to say...

"Honda-san. Please step forward." he asked me, his deep brown eyes locking with my own. I stood from my chair begrudgingly and walked to the podium, stepping up onto it like he had instructed me to do. 

"You are the last person on the list, which means that you've been here for the longest amount of time. It is only fair that you are the governor of our city." with that, he bowed to me. 

I turned to look at the crowd, and they had all stood from their chairs and bowed before me just like he did. The woman below us bowed to me as well. I was deeply confused by all of this, but still slightly amused by the idea. 

"I am honored." I whispered, bowing to him first, and then turning to bow to everyone else as well. "Thank you for electing me as your governor." I couldn't stifle a few laughs as the audience began to applaud me. "I must say, I am rather confused... this village isn't the way it was when I first arrived here." 

"What do you mean?" the man, Nagayama-san asked me. He urged me to step up to the podium and explain what I meant to everyone in the audience. I obliged, clearing my throat and trying my best to project my voice so they could all hear me. 

"When I first got here, everyone looked the same. They all said the same things over and over again and were unable to communicate properly with me. For a very long time, I was the only one that could think for myself. I'm confused as to when others, like you, began to arrive. Now, everyone looks different and everyone thinks for themselves. " 

They were fascinated with my story, even though it was brief. I spent a long while up there at that podium. 

"I don't know how I got here." the woman standing in front of the podium said. The audience ceased their chatter for her and listened as she spoke. I was just as interested to hear her experiences as they all were. "I remember I was living in Tokyo. I had to take some medicine because of a sickness I was battling, but I got it mixed up with another medication that I wasn't supposed to take. I thought I would be okay, so that night I went to sleep, and when I woke up, I was here, working as a shop keeper selling pharmaceuticals."

Turns out, many of the villagers had stories like hers.

The man that had sold me paper a few weeks before told us that he was working for his nephew at an art supplies store. The lights in the shop were flickering, so he went into the back of the shop and tried to fix it himself and got electrocuted. He passed out and when he woke up, he was at the stand in the village and saw me approaching him to buy paper. The little girl who had told me that we were to be having a town meeting that evening said that she was outside in her front yard playing with her ball. It rolled in the street, and she went to go get it. When she finally retrieved her ball, she was in the middle of the street in the village. She said she had never known her mother in the place where she was before she came to the village, but when she wandered out of the street and into her hut, she saw a woman standing, cooking dinner, and instantly knew that it was her mother. 

Hours we sat there, discussing our last memories of life before the village. The sun set in the sky and the moon crept up upon us. A few villagers left and came back with lanterns to give us light as we shared our stories. We arranged the chairs into a circle, listening to ever villager's story until they finally came to me, their eyes falling upon me and looking expectantly, waiting for me to tell my story. I hadn't thought about my death since the last time I had spoken with Yao though, and remembering it made me feel uneasy. 

"I was young. I was playing by the ocean, and a wave swept me up into it. I drowned... but I don't remember when I woke up here. It feels like I have always been here." I stopped, my eyes widening at the realization that occurred to me; every single one us had died in an accident. Several people were hit by cars, one other person besides me had drowned, that woman that was standing beside the podium had accidentally overdosed on a medication and the art supplies salesman had died trying to fix an electrical issue in his nephew's shop.

None of us were meant to die when we did. 

But that still didn't explain why we all came here... 

"Perhaps we are being given a second chance to live." I said to myself in shock. "This village... these people... our way of life... it's all to compensate for what we lost in the real world." 

We all agreed that this was the reason that we were all put in the village after our deaths. We didn't know why we were being given a second chance, nor did we know who had given it to us, but nobody was complaining. They were all beyond pleased with their new lifestyles, even if it was much different from the ones that they had in the real world. Everyone in the town was kind to each other. There were not thefts and no dishonesty. Eventually we established schools for the children to go to and built sturdier, more elaborate houses and shops. Many people planted gardens and grew crops. I remained the governor of out little sanctuary. Every morning I would report back to the sight of our town meetings and check the scroll to see if anybody new had arrived, and many people did.

I tried my best to greet them happily and explain their situation to them. Some were pleased with the prospect of being given a second chance... but others were very upset that they had to be given a second chance in the first place. They were remorseful. Some missed their families, and some were angry with themselves for dying to begin with.

"I knew it! I had no business driving in that kind of weather!" a woman cursed herself, bursting into tears when she had arrived in the city and I explained to her what happened. I held her, trying to console her, but her sadness remained.

Sometimes I was upset by the people who came by, too. So many were young, very, very young. One morning I was wandering through the fields and saw a toddler sitting among the flowers, drooling on one of it's hands and reaching for a butterfly with the other. I had tears in my eyes as I took him into my arms and cradled him, looking into its soft grey eyes sympathetically. He was only a baby. What sort of accident could he have been involved in? I had no way of knowing, because he couldn't speak for himself and he wouldn't be able to remember what happened by the time he was old enough to speak. And what was his name, anyways? 

I carried him in my arms into town, bringing him to a nursery that we'd created for all the very young children that arrived here. The woman, Lily, who ran the nursery was always just as upset as I was whenever I came by with a new baby. She took the baby from me, holding him gently, running her fingers through his dark brown hair.

"I insist you name him, Honda-san." she said softly to me.

"His name will be Hajime-kun." I said to her. She smiled and nodded before she carried him into another room to get him established in the nursery.  

It would make me feel a bit better whenever one of the babies would be adopted.

The little girl who had first told me of the town meeting, Miyuki, and her mother Midori went to the nursery one day and I saw them leave with Hajime-kun in Midori's arms. The man in the green kimono, Nagayama Izanagi-san left the nursery one day carrying the newborn baby that had arrived in the town just a day before that I had named Kimiko. Even the solemn young woman who had arrived that got into a car accident while driving home from work one night in bad weather, named Akemi, went to the nursery one day and left with a three year old little girl who remembered her name to be Sora.  

I was shocked one day to learn that Akemi and Izanagi were in love. 

"We would like to have a wedding." they came to me and said. "We would like you to marry us, since you are our governor." 

I didn't know how I could refuse them, or what authority I had to marry them, but surely I did. They were married at the town meeting spot and all of the villagers were there, even the parentless babies from the nursery. Everyone took part in the celebration, and I was very happy to see Akemi and Izanagi would raise Kimiko and Sora as their own children. I had never dreamed that there could be love and a family in my town, so seeing it happen overwhelmed me with emotions. 

I grew to love my town. We all took very good care of it and looked after one another. To think that the place that filled me with longing, hatred, and regret now gives me such joy is something that I never thought would happen. 

I rolled over in my bed one morning when the sun had yet to rise in the sky and darkness still filtered in through the curtains on the window my hut. I couldn't sleep any longer, so I stood from my bed, dressing myself in a blue and black jinbei with sandals to match it. I made myself a cup of tea and walked out of my home, wandering through the dark, sleepy streets of my neighborhood awaiting the sun to rise. I sipped at my tea, sitting by the tree that once acted as a checkpoint in the game and gazing fondly at the sky.

I thought of Alfred.

There was a time that he told me loved the mornings, and I had always felt the same way about them.

I stood after I had finished my cup of tea and wandered through the meadows full of flowers. I planned to go to the spot where I used to see Alfred most often- the spot that was the last place I'd seen him. As I neared it, I thought I saw something in the grass. I got closer and realized that whatever it was was a person, and they were lying on their back, sleeping peacefully. I wondered what villager would be sleeping in the meadows like that... and then I worried that a new villager had arrived and because I'd failed to greet them, they had no house and no bed to sleep on that night. I felt my stomach churn at that idea, running toward the figure then. 

I knelt beside this person, studying their features.

His skin was soft to the touch, his hair golden like the sun, and had glasses over his eyes. I pressed my hand against his chest; his heart was still beating. His scent was familiar, almost nostalgic. 

His eyes fluttered open slowly, revealing their deep blue color. He looked up at me, his lips curving into a smile. I pulled his head into my lap, cupping his cheek as tears filled in my eyes. My heart was caught in my throat. 

I shook my head.

"No," I muttered to myself. "You can't be here..."

He stared at me for a few long moments, seemingly unable to speak. I continued to cry.

"Alfred..." I whispered, my voice cracking. There was only one way Alfred could have come here... "What happened to you?" I asked him, pulling him upright and taking him into my arms. I sobbed against his neck, and slowly, I felt his arms coil around my shoulders. He pulled me away from him, his own eyes filled with tears. 

"Good morning." he said, his voice small, as though it was very hard for him to speak. 

I tucked my arm underneath his legs and carried him with me. He rested his head against my chest, wondering why I wouldn't speak to him. I carried him back into the village, where Izanagi was standing at the podium as though he were waiting for me. He read the scroll, his face twisted into a confused expression. 

"Alfred Kirkland?" he asked me.

I didn't want to believe it. I tried to stay calm as I tightened my grip on this boy, who was still only fourteen years of age and still rather small in comparison to me. I looked down into his eyes. He was smiling simply, looking up at me, craning his neck up toward me. 

I sat him down upright on the small stage beneath the podium and stared deeply into his eyes. I held him by the shoulder with one hand, brushing some of the hair out of his eyes with the other. 

"Alfred.." I whispered.

He leaned forward, closing his eyes, wanting to kiss me. I blushed faintly, glancing out of the corner of my eye to see that Izanagi was still watching us curiously. I pressed my lips against Alfred's cheek gently, and pulled away just as quickly as I had done it. My heart skipped a beat when I touched him and I couldn't fight back the giddiness that was quickly overtaking my body. He frowned at me, tilting his head to the side. "What do you remember?" I whispered to him. 

He didn't speak. He just reached for me and grabbed me by my shoulders, pulling me toward him until our lips were pressed together. I could see the horrified look on Izanagi's face as my own neared Alfred's. The boy pulled away from our kiss and looked content, touching his lips. I had waited so long to feel his lips on my own again... I felt dizzy from all of the adrenaline that was running through me at that moment.

"I'm happy now."  he whispered, refusing to say anything more as he stood from the stage and ushered himself into my arms.

All I could do was hold him. 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
